FUCK YOU

Dabble MC · 03-16-2016, 09:21 PM

Hey Lars, first and foremost thanks for all your help today. You and Sharp are two cool ass motherfuckers and are fantastic assets to your community. now that we got that shit out the way let me check this verse

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need me to spell it out for you depressive writers and clones?
there's a reason I shelved this bullshit, I've a style of my own
don't act like what you've wrote is any rawer than mine is
I just take the highs with the lows, then put it all in my writing
every one has a story behind it that's based within fact
I can talk you through five 'em since you haters have asked
prayed for my dad one Christmas as I was sat on my own
too scared of facing the fact he'd just had him a stroke
family, close friends, all there fearing he'd die
that's when I wrote the Lonesome Snowman with tears in my eyes.
-----

I dont know you from a hole in the wall, but as a writer I thought this segment was dope. I missed out on all the fun that sparked it, but I felt you conveyed a sense of authority dismissing anyone who questions your pen/life. I think it was an Obie Trice song but on the hook he's like "Since they wanna know!" thats the feeling I got from this. or a Jay-Z million and one vibe. to transfer a 'feeling" merely from words is really good writing. scheme held well and your flow was apparent. Good shit Lars.

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staring straight through your eyes not knowing your name
- locked away with the psychopaths and the local insane.
my father broke down and caved & I wasn't used to seeing that
the docs diagnosis had came back as "Neurasthenia"
in truth, I feel this had the biggest impact on my life...
used to conceal the fact and put it to the back of my mind
thinking that by denying it, I'd distance myself from the truth
it took a long passage of time for me to tell this to you.
you don't know the hell I've been through, or the scars that map out my soul
so don't ever assume you know someone off face value alone
-------

I never had to go through that, but I can imagine its a constant struggle. I also liked the wedding cake bit - technically, because it said alot. two words told an entire story. I am a fan of slick subtle hints that paint a vast picture. so far as im traveling on your journey I get the sense that you make the best out of the worst and its something I also attempt to do. really sick read so far Lars. I hope just jotting this down lifted a bit of the weight.

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i'm not looking for sympathy either, I'm just keeping it real
never needed to deal with this bullshit so bluntly before
or seen the appeal in me pouring out my guts for you all
always put them in stories and developed them though
maybe now you'll look at them all & see I was telling my own...
------

perfect closing to a tremendously personal but extemely relatable piece. I commend your efforts. you covered alot of ground in which felt like a short verse overall. first read from you and I can say I dig your style alot man.

in closing - technically all the mechanics were drafted well. I think the highlight of your writing style tho, comes from your lack of need to over complicate things. The wedding cake was a perfect example. it was just a quick nod but told so much story. glad to have been able to check your art out.

and again, thanks for all the help Lars.

03-16-2016, 09:21 PM	#19
Dabble MC Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Location: BAMF-Ville Posts: 44 Rep Power: 79524	Hey Lars, first and foremost thanks for all your help today. You and Sharp are two cool ass motherfuckers and are fantastic assets to your community. now that we got that shit out the way let me check this verse ---- need me to spell it out for you depressive writers and clones? there's a reason I shelved this bullshit, I've a style of my own don't act like what you've wrote is any rawer than mine is I just take the highs with the lows, then put it all in my writing every one has a story behind it that's based within fact I can talk you through five 'em since you haters have asked prayed for my dad one Christmas as I was sat on my own too scared of facing the fact he'd just had him a stroke family, close friends, all there fearing he'd die that's when I wrote the Lonesome Snowman with tears in my eyes. ----- I dont know you from a hole in the wall, but as a writer I thought this segment was dope. I missed out on all the fun that sparked it, but I felt you conveyed a sense of authority dismissing anyone who questions your pen/life. I think it was an Obie Trice song but on the hook he's like "Since they wanna know!" thats the feeling I got from this. or a Jay-Z million and one vibe. to transfer a 'feeling" merely from words is really good writing. scheme held well and your flow was apparent. Good shit Lars. ---- staring straight through your eyes not knowing your name - locked away with the psychopaths and the local insane. my father broke down and caved & I wasn't used to seeing that the docs diagnosis had came back as "Neurasthenia" in truth, I feel this had the biggest impact on my life... used to conceal the fact and put it to the back of my mind thinking that by denying it, I'd distance myself from the truth it took a long passage of time for me to tell this to you. you don't know the hell I've been through, or the scars that map out my soul so don't ever assume you know someone off face value alone ------- I never had to go through that, but I can imagine its a constant struggle. I also liked the wedding cake bit - technically, because it said alot. two words told an entire story. I am a fan of slick subtle hints that paint a vast picture. so far as im traveling on your journey I get the sense that you make the best out of the worst and its something I also attempt to do. really sick read so far Lars. I hope just jotting this down lifted a bit of the weight. ---- i'm not looking for sympathy either, I'm just keeping it real never needed to deal with this bullshit so bluntly before or seen the appeal in me pouring out my guts for you all always put them in stories and developed them though maybe now you'll look at them all & see I was telling my own... ------ perfect closing to a tremendously personal but extemely relatable piece. I commend your efforts. you covered alot of ground in which felt like a short verse overall. first read from you and I can say I dig your style alot man. in closing - technically all the mechanics were drafted well. I think the highlight of your writing style tho, comes from your lack of need to over complicate things. The wedding cake was a perfect example. it was just a quick nod but told so much story. glad to have been able to check your art out. and again, thanks for all the help Lars.