Twin Tourney Topical Division Semi Finals: fraze vs ACTIVATE SELF - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Dominate]

Welcome to the Twin Tourney - Topical Division!

This round we have four competitors duking it out for a coveted spot in the final.

Due Dates:

Verses this week are due Monday
Extensions are 24 hours

Line Limit:

16 Minimum, 32 Maximum

Topic:

@fraze @ACTIVATE SELF

[fraze]

Check. Good luck

Edit (12/08/24): I have a lot of stuff going on this week, I will likely need the ext.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Check. Likewise.

[ACTIVATE SELF]

editing

[ACTIVATE SELF]

In The Company of Shadows

Chapter II

…Eleanor came hurling through the void…
Her body crashing onto the cold, jagged stones down below.
Her skin scraped and exposed, her bones aching from the blow.
Yet... s l o w l y she rose.
The air was thick and corrosive, suffocating, oppressive—
there was no mistaking this place for somewhere pleasant, like Heaven.
She felt a devilish presence—something as ancient as night—
as staircases unfolded right in front of her eyes.
Pillars hung from a sky that was hardly divine,
the stars darkened with time.
The steps arching like spines, charred and coated with slime.
This primordial site was so bizarrely designed,
that it was hard to describe. It seemed partly alive;
she felt it watching in wait—
like a Black Widow spider when it's stalking its prey.
There was a pulsating quake, like a heart-thumping sound,
causing ripples and waves as it pumped in the ground.
While the faintest of whispers seemed to swirl in a mist
that surrounded the remnants of a magnetic disk—
it was eldritch in nature, a non-mechanical compass,
that spun erratically fast until the Shadow Man stopped it.
His rotting eye sockets and abominable grin
could strike fear in the hearts of the mightiest men.
"Eleanor," he sneered, jaws dripping with tar,
"You’ve returned to the Hollow, after veering too far."
"The Hollow?" she echoed, her voice trembled with dread.
"Yes, the Hollow," he hissed, as the mist turned red.
"It's not a place, IT’S A THING," he sporadically screamed.
"A primal hunger that feeds on your psychotic deeds."
Insanity's pull began to tug at her mind
as the compass transformed into a carnival ride.
She was back to the night that the fire took place,
wearing a hospital gown, and a crooked smile on her face.
Kerosene in a can with a lighter in fist;
fuel spilling behind her before igniting the tents.
“So you remember it, child,” the Hollow intoned,
not the voice of the Shadow, but distinctly its own.
"I was present at birth, and when you killed your first pet,
for every person you murdered without a shred of regret."
She tried her best to reject it—but she knew it was true.
She saw the blood in her nails, and her face on the news,
and she remembered the smell of the hospital food—
her prison cell of a room, and all the antipsychotics
that would help her forget, that she was always a monster.
She wasn't locked in the Hollow; it was something she fostered—
deep down in her conscience, she was part of its roster:
a cosmic evil incarnate, a living vessel of death,
an antediluvian darkness, transmuted to flesh.
Not possessed by its essence—but enmeshed and enthralled.
She accepted her calling while the Shadow Man crawled
into the depths of the fog, and the Hollow dissolved.
She saw the hospital walls and fluorescent white lights—
and she was back on that gurney, where she had medically died.
But to the nurses' surprise, she went from dead to alive,
as her vital signs rose, and the doctor apprised,
"I think we've gotten a pulse."
Eleanor awoke, fully conscious again,
with a glint in her eye and a monstrous grin,
psychotic and twisted, reminiscent of his.
And when the doc leaned in, he could see it was crucial—
the Shadow Man smiling in the pits of her pupils.

—> Part 1

[fraze]

[Narrator]
In the infinite impossible, the secret realm where worlds collide
Only strength survives, weakness is defined as born to die
Beauty thinks its born for flight til fate’s sting changes hornet’s stripes
From caution warning signs to unmarked graves tracing the borderlines
Grace replaced with morbid sights means more bids placed as merchant pace
Venom dripping glares give way to bared fangs with a serpent’s haste
Blades that wave like workmans spades to pave the way to better lives
Victory made bittersweet… by aftertaste that chases bettors’ highs
In dead of night, debtors might… find necks under the threat of knives
It’s gambling with your life to take that chance when you won’t get it twice
Second hand advice is like a kingless knight or stringless kite
Yet eagles never soar before they spring to test their wings in flight
No pain? …I’d maintain that yields about the same as nothing ventured
When champions take field against you, can’t escape with nothing injured
In arena, front and center… star… or candle flame that came and went

[Fight Night Intro: Bizarro Bruce Buffer]
With no more ado ladies and gents… you’re welcomed to the main event!
Light on horizon splits darkness like a rising sun… spectators rise as one
For a challenger whose time has come… the Violent Giant… Tyrant Xun!
Opposing the corona sage… he takes the stage with throne at stake
Can’t roll over this boulder mage… it’s Valinar the Stone of Rage!

[Narrator]
As bells tolls… the cracks form… a solar halo shrouds a black form
Stone slabs stack forming platforms… then a light’s born like lightning in flash storms
Powers collide with a clash… a moment as fragile as shattering glass
Clouds of dust hide who’s standing at last… but that’s what crowds are gathering to ask
Blow trumpets and cue feathered bands to harken with their harps in hand
The blackest heart plays hearth to sparks from a magic lamp as carpet lands
And strands twisted by arts of devilish artisans sift shifting sands
A watchful eye gives northward glance, while pointing trembling crimson hand

[Outro: Parley Pete]
Then an object is lifted, but how come? Not that it shifted the outcome
Nothing is scripted, come to your senses… but this should signal the end of the trial run
I’ve completed preparations. Now the calibration’s excellent.
But make no mistake… well at least I won’t… at the next event.

[symetrik]

ACTIVATE:

dope piece. crafted an interesting story out of a the topic that still felt tightly connected - and instead of making the entire piece about it, instead it played an integral part to it.

nothing much to say except consistent with the multis, good story, and smooth flow throughout - I feel like I've definitely seen your stuff before, but this one seems to me to be one of the best.


fraze:

a far far more abstract take on the topic - decent rhymes and some multis, but because of the abstraction, you felt comfortable also abstracting the smoothness of the sentence structure which, against a polished and smooth read, feels jarring. this hurt you.

also, despite a similar "expanded on the topic beyond the topic's presented scope" approach, I couldn't connect the topic nearly as neatly to your take as to your opponents.

all said,
mvgt ACTIVATE

[brokenhal0]

Activate
Not your typical style, you know what I mean? It's infectious. Honestly, I feel like ChatGPT is both a gift and a curse it should be treated that way within the creative process. Still, this was superb writing. The tie-backs, the writer's voice shining when it needs to, and just the right amount of emotional connection. That said, I did find it a bit bland at moments. You know how a protagonist like Elanor doesn’t really spark imaginative curiosity for me.

But you’re a pro at this. The world building? That’s real storytelling. I tend to enjoy more technical aspects of hip-hop for their sake, and that emotional connection you lean on sometimes trips me up. You rely on it more, but in your case, it works. It’s well written albeit less momentum or engaging as the previous not the style I prefer from you. Still, I see what you’re doing here, lol.

Fraze
Techinaclly, once again, I notice a pattern here one I admit I’ve suffer from myself. Hopefully, it won’t destroy the Netcee/online writer community as we know it. The ChatGPT connotations, though I could be completely delusional from my lack of sleep, food, sex, or oxygen for the past 23 months—but I believe you and Activate may have had some help from ChatGPT. Let’s be real, we all do at this point.

It was written well, but it leans toward what I prefer ut lacks the story coheasion and substance the topic pretty much is not as solidifed. Now, here’s the messed-up part: if Activate had used his words with your flow, I think that would’ve been my ideal verse. But as it stands, I’m giving it—by the slimmest margin—to Activate.

MVGT: Activate

[Dominate]

Alright first of all I have to apologize to fraze, because ACTIVATE you’re way over the line limit here man. Even allowing 15 x 32 = 480 words to account for your shorter line format you’re well and truly over at 561 words compared to fraze’s 404. I should have noticed earlier and asked you to trim it down. It’s unfair to fraze in two ways - first because he has to compete with less material, and secondly because it makes this more of an effort to vote on which turns people away from doing so and means he gets less feedback on his verse. Fraze - I’m sorry man. I dropped the ball here with not intervening early. It’s still open to you to take the DQ win if you want to.

Aaaaanyway, onto the verses themselves.

ACTIVATE:

I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of a verse in a new round continuing on where the previous one left off. I suppose I’m okay with it if each verse works on its own and the prior reading isn’t NEEDED to understand the present verse. Which I think is the case here, so that’s okay. That said I’m still not sure about the take on the topic - I’m not getting this dark/horror/psychological thriller vibe that was present in your verse from this picture at all. For me the theme of this picture is more like… “uncertainty”… “Which direction to take?” … But I acknowledge that this is subjective. You ticked the box of connecting to the topic by describing elements that were in it, like the stairs and compass and figure/shadow man. The premise was interesting - the mind of a monster cast as “The Hollow”. I note that you stepped it up with the multi syllable rhyming this week. Points for that. There were some words choices that weren’t quite right for me, but overall I think this was pretty well written. The pacing was good. The visuals were clear and compelling. It held my interest all the way through and again on a couple of rereads.


Fraze:
This took me longer to get the idea of what you were writing about. Epic, mythic battles in a surreal/dreamlike landscape. That works, with the two figures shown in the picture and the misty/cloudy weirdness of it. I think the opening lines especially would have benefited from plainer language to clarify the idea ASAP, because at first I had no clue and it felt like too much work trying to decipher the meaning of the abstract language and poetic imagery in each line. I think you’ve lost some of the other voters this way. Once I figured out what this was and reread it I enjoyed it more. Your rhyme schemes and mechanics were a highlight, and I enjoyed some clever turns of phrase throughout like the morbid/more bids line. It’s interesting your opponent continued on from his verse last week and you used the same idea of jumping around from the narrator to different character voices. As with last week, I think you’ve succeeded there with making the voices sound distinct from one another. I feel like the narrator got too much airtime this week. Maybe a verse from the point of view of Tyrant Xun or Valinar would have been good, would have given us a bit of “action” which I think would have lent itself really nicely to the epic-ness of what you wrote about. Have to be honest - I don’t really understand what the Parley Pete verse was.


It’s definitely close, but I’m giving this one to Activate. I generally prefer more plainly stated language and to understand without toooo much effort what every line is about. There was a ton of creativity and linguistic prowess in fraze’s verse, and I had him ahead in mechanics, and probably take on the topic too. But the more grounded and coherent narrative with clear emotional stakes in Activate’s verse was ultimately more enjoyable to me.

[Dominate]

Activate wins 3-0