*ITT: I will tell you what defense mechanism(s) you frequently use, and possibly why you use them*

[Objective]

Originally Posted by The Mind Assassin

so you feel dependent, but aren't?......

Exactly. I have a bunch of friends, family members that cares. But still I feel dependent on extremely few people as opposed to just letting things go and break connections when I know it's hurting me in the long run. You feel me?

I feel like I have to keep these connections because human relations are extremely important to me on any level, even if they're bad.. If that makes any sense. Even I realize how fucking stupid it is to continue such friendships but I still can't get myself to break them because I'm somewhat afraid of what'll happen after that. I think it's because I think I'm not in charge, when in fact I am.
I don't really look upon myself as someone that's insecure since I often am the center of attention at parties and I don't give a shit if people I don't know talk shit behind my back. I was closed up in elementary and satisfied with the friends I had, but now it's switched and I feel like it's a race to have as many friends and groups of friends as possible and attending parties every weekend and being the ''cool guy''. I think I've turned into the male version of a fucking teenage attentionwhore in my mid twenties while not reaching the level where it's easilly identifiable and/or annoying to those around me.

It's also extremely important for me to have different impulses from different people; I know skaters and I've been skateboarding for quite some time so I know at least 20 skaters in my local area where I skate with 5 of them on occasion. I hang out with anti-weed people and mormons only to go to parties where people don't do shit but smoke a few days later. Ya feel me? If just 1 connection should break it's as if my world would crumble and I'm afraid that it's the start of something where I'll lose the rest as well. So I'm keeping unhealthy friendships based on that, read: the friendzone I'm dealing with atm being the main issue right now. I can't get myself to break it because I know me and her are extremely alike and we have fun when we're hanging out together. We know eachother and understand eachother on a level I can't with others, yet I can't seem to get rid of the feelings I have for this particular woman even though there's other options available at this very moment. It's frustrating.

This on top of dysthymia is extremely challenging to me as I'm having a shitload of fun when I'm outside, only to come home and be miserable for no fucking reason. I often find myself to deal with sudden depressing feelings when I'm hanging out with people or watching movies by myself as well, I'm a master at concealing it so it has never occurred to my friends, even the close ones, that I'm dealing with shit like this. (the reason I realized that manic depression might be a realistic diagnosis to me and why I googled it to read more about it). Either way I am in no position to self diagnose myself, I aint Freud either.

I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment allthough I absolutely should, I'm sick of seeing shrinks to be honest since I've been to a few already. Starting a new relation with one seems to be a shitbunch of work as I more often than not end up not being there due to my random sleep cycle, so I don't think I'll make any appointments until I get my sleeping pattern on track which I hope to do with the prescription given. What you'd say here is to go see one either way and get it started, but it's hard to keep it up due to the situation I find myself in at the moment.

So, do you think my plan is good to go and something I should aim towards? Basicly; What would be your advice to do from here on out?