Disfigured hand

[UnbornBuddha]

This is a disfigured hand structuring itself as it clasps particles.
Deformities are shaped anew by upgrading outclassed arsenal.
Angst is marginal when fulfilling all the past karmic goals of your passed departed soul.
As for me, art and prose has consumed my very life, my heart a harnessed poem
A modern scroll depicting useless facts passing Go, monopolizing my cerebral cortex lobe.
Its info summarized as encoded notes of gnosis that takes on a corpus form.
In search of eternal growth archaeologists excavate more corpse bones
An endeavor grounded in the hopes of uncovering the source of our worldly woe.
Social media has become a standard for horrible posts
For I’ll rather take the burden of harboring deplorable ghosts
Than read any of the gross articles you quote.
One cannot use their regular eyes to see the garden’s portable door.
So awaken the pineal and charter immeasurable shores.
Being a mortal involves an incredible resolve in the farthest part of your thoughts.
Rebirth as any other incarnate bears a marvelous loss
Humans are one of the few to stare at Sephirot’s gust.
To give this up means to wear out every one of your suns.
Must you be so quick to shun the nightmare that you've got?
Perception can pluck despair into luck.
I dare thou not alter the fate that the heavens cast.
Accomplishing my mandate precedes any second task.
All else is an irrelevant strand of atoms yet to react.
The segmented plan of the cosmos may beckon wrath
But to smile in spite of it is how Bodhisattvas set their path.
Heart set on never transgressing the pact to bless all lands,
Even those realms exuding hellish gas.
Deliverance is seen in those eternally doomed to be bled and lanced.
Selfless acts are how a cripple led the pack of warriors into death and back.
Next time that reflected mask you see in the mirror is eye to eye -- don’t forget to laugh!

Every time I torture myself in film my camcorder stops.
Androids have sympathy, yet despite their adroit likeness they're sort of dumb.
Who would have thought a reporter’s thoughts will open up Pandora’s Box.
Ideas of self divinity brought upon culture shock.
An impact signified by massive femoral blocks
The naysayers state the fallen masses all had corrosive faults.
In the name of habitual ferocious lust the narcissistic breed wants to stand over God
Perpetually desiring a plague to spread in all that their black auras touch
Poisonous spores erupt, but they cannot penetrate the guardians that the earth has trust.
Sadly I expectorate pulmonary blood because I’m not an honorary one.
Demise being near I find true comfort folding origami art
These birds and swans born from the heart are ergonomic charms.

[UnbornBuddha]

For some reason my post was posted twice. Mods please delete one.
Thank you.

[theMuzzl3]

This post had me all over:

google: define "xxxxx", at the first few lines.
I had to use google to define at least 10, probably 15 words.
That in itself, I like.

The content that was written was written well, and it had a message that if one reads with full attention, will bide them well. Over-all creativity = 10. Execution = 9. Corrections in English (not that this matters) is provided below, for the author to consider.

Some advice on correcting the English:
On line 10, "I'll" should be "I'd".
"nightmare that you got" -- you should be "you've gotten"
"is eye to eye don’t forget to laugh!" should be "is eye to eye -- don’t forget to laugh!"
"the guardians the earth has trust" -- "the guardians that the earth has trust"

[UnbornBuddha]

Thank you Muzzle, by the way i took some of your grammar suggestion into consideration.

[Witty]

Please don't pay too much attention as what he is telling you is meaningless, pointless, and actually quite incorrect.

I have no time for pedants within the realm of creative writing.

[Certain]

Hi, I still owe you some feedback from your votes on the Short-Verse Topical Tournament semifinals, so please allow this to equivocate. I liked parts of this verse quite a bit. To a degree, it came across like a braggadocio verse with a very uncanny set of reference points. There were flashes of just about everything, from transparent writing to overly opaque, from great rhyming mechanics to stilted phrasing. The one consistent is that your lines seem very self-containing. You don't carry over thoughts or metaphors or even sentence structures very often from one line to the next, which can create a jarring feeling and make a verse read almost like a list. Your content builds on itself, but your diction does not. Improving that will have your verses more smooth and readable.

With that said, I'll break this down segment-by-segment with some thoughts:

This is a disfigured hand structuring itself as it clasps particles.
Deformities are shaped anew by upgrading outclassed arsenal.
Angst is marginal when fulfilling all the past karmic goals of your passed departed soul.
As for me, art and prose has consumed my very life, my heart a harnessed poem
A modern scroll depicting useless facts passing Go, monopolizing my cerebral cortex lobe.

I liked the introduction quite a bit. The opening line presented an image, and you built on the idea with the next line. Then you got a bit cynical and introspective. Phrases such as "As for me," might seem colloquial but really help with relatability in contrast to some of your denser passages.

Its info summarized as encoded notes of gnosis that takes on a corpus form.
In search of eternal growth archaeologists excavate more corpse bones
An endeavor grounded in the hopes of uncovering the source of our worldly woe.

Very verbose section here. The rhymes were off, and it seemed not that difficult to edit this down to be less of a mouthful.

Social media has become a standard for horrible posts
For I’ll rather take the burden of harboring deplorable ghosts
Than read any of the gross articles you quote.
One cannot use their regular eyes to see the garden’s portable door.
So awaken the pineal and charter immeasurable shores.
Being a mortal involves an incredible resolve in the farthest part of your thoughts.

This was mean, and I liked it. I especially liked the duality of the insult here, with the first and third lines bludgeoning fairly directly with the rest was a little askew. Also, the first three lines are a good example of writing with more connectivity.

Rebirth as any other incarnate bears a marvelous loss
Humans are one of the few to stare at Sephirot’s gust.
To give this up means to wear out every one of your suns.
Must you be so quick to shun the nightmare that you've got?
Perception can pluck despair into luck.
I dare thou not alter the fate that the heavens cast.
Accomplishing my mandate precedes any second task.
All else is an irrelevant strand of atoms yet to react.

Here you seemed to be defining humanity and defining yourself as beyond human. The Sephirot gust allusion kind of went over my head. I know what the Sephirot is, but I don't know what its gust is. This section is a good example of that stacking feeling that comes when you end a thought on every line, but some of those thoughts were really interesting, particularly in the middle.

The segmented plan of the cosmos may beckon wrath
But to smile in spite of it is how Bodhisattvas set their path.
Heart set on never transgressing the pact to bless all lands,
Even those realms exuding hellish gas.
Deliverance is seen in those eternally doomed to be bled and lanced.
Selfless acts are how a cripple led the pack of warriors into death and back.
Next time that reflected mask you see in the mirror is eye to eye -- don’t forget to laugh!

Some of the Buddhism goes way over my head, and there's a bit of a detachment in this section. It was not my favorite. The end of the last line felt forced, not really in stride with the tone of the work.

Every time I torture myself in film my camcorder stops.
Androids have sympathy, yet despite their adroit likeness they're sort of dumb.
Who would have thought a reporter’s thoughts will open up Pandora’s Box.
Ideas of self divinity brought upon culture shock.

This was probably the best section in the entire piece. The ideas here are really crisp, with your commentary not being in-your-face but also being a bit more discernable and approachable. I think this basically sums up what you were going for with most of this verse, and I enjoyed it.

An impact signified by massive femoral blocks
The naysayers state the fallen masses all had corrosive faults.
In the name of habitual ferocious lust the narcissistic breed wants to stand over God
Perpetually desiring a plague to spread in all that their black auras touch
Poisonous spores erupt, but they cannot penetrate the guardians that the earth has trust.
Sadly I expectorate pulmonary blood because I’m not an honorary one.
Demise being near I find true comfort folding origami art
These birds and swans born from the heart are ergonomic charms.

Ending this way fits, I guess, in that it's very dense. When you use so many big words, even the ones that aren't at all challenging, they lose their impact. Take out "habitual ferocious" in the third line, and it reads smoother and puts more of an emphasis on "narcissistic." Most intellectual writers flood their work with adjectives and adverbs as a way of showing how smart they are, but they don't serve the reader well and instead muddle the point.

Still, I've seen some improvement in your writing since you joined. Thanks for the work.

[big baby]

I like how you think. It's good.

[UnbornBuddha]

Thank you Certain for such a thorough breakdown, and very good suggestions on building the piece with more fluidity. I also agree that I have improved since joining this site. This site has amazing writers, and although I don't really participate in the social aspect of things in this site mostly due to being busy as of late . I am appreciative on being able to interact and read the work of other fellow writers.

And thank you Big Baby, by the way you are quite a character, lol. Embodying the first earthly form archetypal traits that we call an infant is quite amusing. Babies are hard not to like especially since babies represent pure innocence; it takes a cold heart to dislike babies.

[brokenhal0]

keep writing the way you write you know what time it is step into the light peace!

[Pharaohs Army]

Originally Posted by UnbornBuddha

This is a disfigured hand structuring itself as it clasps particles.
Deformities are shaped anew by upgrading outclassed arsenal.
Angst is marginal when fulfilling all the past karmic goals of your passed departed soul.
As for me, art and prose has consumed my very life, my heart a harnessed poem
A modern scroll depicting useless facts passing Go, monopolizing my cerebral cortex lobe.
Its info summarized as encoded notes of gnosis that takes on a corpus form.
In search of eternal growth archaeologists excavate more corpse bones
An endeavor grounded in the hopes of uncovering the source of our worldly woe.

if you want my honest opinion, this beginning section could stand alone as a "whole piece", and is quite a work of art. flows great.

the rest is good, but not As good-- the beginning outshines it all.
i'm going to take the liberty of guessing that perhaps you had the beginning part already written, and added the rest of it, or wrote the rest of it afterwards at a later time.


then later,

Every time I torture myself in film my camcorder stops...
...Who would have thought a reporter’s thoughts will open up Pandora’s Box.

This is one of the dopest couplets but it required me removing the line in between them...

i never would want to "edit" or "change" anyone's work. but i HAD to show you that couplet. come onnnn. read it. lol. you wrote it not me.

perhaps i'm self-absorbed, but another reason i like the pandora's box line is because it reminds me of our spars.

anyway what i'm about to say is subjective, since it's text not audio. but, the beginning part, aside from being the best writing of the piece, requires less effort to rap. the rest is good but one has to "decide" more often which parts to enunciate or emphasize.
that "diagnosis" is different for You of course, since you wrote it. i'm speaking of me, and probably speaking for other "speakers" as well.

heh heh. keep on writing. use your own style but keep improving it,as you are.

[Pharaohs Army]

@Muzzle I like you but you're a fking moron. Lol.

[UnbornBuddha]

@Pharaoh
Yes that couplet does sound better with that middle line omitted, lol. Also I write everything in one venture, not in segments, perhaps I was morose inspired at the beginning. Thanks for reading my buddy from the digital world.