i killed cupid and buried his little ass in my basement

Just Write · 01-31-2014, 01:04 PM

I've known you for years, since we were sixteen and stupid
Both believed in cupid; Serene conclusions.
Life was music. closed eyes as i swayed to your rythm
But memories that were, now fade in the distance.
Your ways were sadistic, always playing the victim
But only you and I knew what you portrayed wasn't fiction.
the reasons are vague, but you were strangely addictive
And i was way too persistent with making you mine.
Tie a rope around my neck and hang me tonight
As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride
It's only right i confess in a letter & never in person
Where you'd tear out my heart; maybe it would lessen the burden
All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning
Seem to be exponentially essential in the steps to maturing.
Hopefully apart we can both be a better person
Baby you'll always be in my heart, even though you don't deserve it

Frank · 02-02-2014, 03:15 PM

Good shit kid. You're getting good

Keep at it

Dove Dozer · 02-02-2014, 08:40 PM

This is dope man. I love this style of writing rather than all the abstract blabber I see on there that has no topical compass at all. This here was on point with a focused thought process. Loved the vocab on this, just overall a great read. props

Certain · 02-02-2014, 10:30 PM

This was perhaps the best of these short tomes to heartbreak I've read from you. I really liked the beginning, You dabble in cliché quite a bit, which can be difficult to execute. The "roller coaster of emotion" phrasing was really weak, but you bounced back from it. But I do think you'd be better off working to develop your own set of images and turns of phrases instead of working in such trodden ground. You're good at starting off verses well, perhaps because you usually keep things straightforward instead of burying yourself in metaphors that build on each other. The penultimate line bothered me because "we can both be" needs a plural object ("better people" instead of "a better person"), and I think that's one of those instances where even non-grammar nerds would fumble with the phrasing. But your rhymes are consistent and well-patterend, giving you a really natural cadence.

I'm hoping you will be back for Season 3 of the Art of Writing League, which I'll be running starting in about two weeks. Obviously, your personal life interfered, which is completely understandable and worth offering condolences for, but you had a strong run going at the start of Season 2.

Also, if you have time, Split Eight and I would appreciate a vote on our Battle Arena topical match: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49829

Exis · 02-04-2014, 07:49 AM

Your ways were sadistic, always playing the victim
But only you and I knew what you portrayed wasn't fiction.
the reasons are vague, but you were strangely addictive
And i was way too persistent with making you mine.
Tie a rope around my neck and hang me tonight
As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride
It's only right i confess in a letter & never in person
Where you'd tear out my heart; maybe it would lessen the burden
All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning

^^Flames.

Dope read, stay upwards.

CopyPat · 02-05-2014, 05:39 PM

deep bro. good honestly. nice reflection. solid rhyming etc to go with it. hard to really give feed on something so personal, can't really say WOW THIS IS AWESOME, or can't really say yo this was wack as fuck.. it is what it is. and i hate that term lol. u did ur thing. good poem steez ahaha. maybe u can show this to ur next chick and she might s ur d for it??

Cereal_Killa · 02-10-2014, 08:08 AM

Dammmn main.. this was hot, i mean you crunch out with the pain, like your sculpting out artieries with extreme poetry..

"All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning
Seem to be exponentially essential in the steps to maturing."

To be true, to be true

dude keep it up :)

Just Write · 03-01-2014, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cereal_Killa

Dammmn main.. this was hot, i mean you crunch out with the pain, like your sculpting out artieries with extreme poetry..

"All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning
Seem to be exponentially essential in the steps to maturing."

To be true, to be true

dude keep it up :)

Permission to use the bolded part in one of my next pieces requested @Cereal_Killa

Cereal_Killa · 03-02-2014, 02:04 AM

dammnnnn straight, get up on it :)

Paradigm · 03-05-2014, 02:40 PM

this was pretty good overall... the only line i could really do without was

As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride

as it didn't really bring anything to the next line or the one before it... on its own it was just kind of filler. still tho good piece

01-31-2014, 01:04 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	i killed cupid and buried his little ass in my basement I've known you for years, since we were sixteen and stupid Both believed in cupid; Serene conclusions. Life was music. closed eyes as i swayed to your rythm But memories that were, now fade in the distance. Your ways were sadistic, always playing the victim But only you and I knew what you portrayed wasn't fiction. the reasons are vague, but you were strangely addictive And i was way too persistent with making you mine. Tie a rope around my neck and hang me tonight As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride It's only right i confess in a letter & never in person Where you'd tear out my heart; maybe it would lessen the burden All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning Seem to be exponentially essential in the steps to maturing. Hopefully apart we can both be a better person Baby you'll always be in my heart, even though you don't deserve it __________________

02-02-2014, 03:15 PM	#2
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Good shit kid. You're getting good Keep at it __________________ *VETWORK*

02-02-2014, 08:40 PM	#3
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,077 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853216	This is dope man. I love this style of writing rather than all the abstract blabber I see on there that has no topical compass at all. This here was on point with a focused thought process. Loved the vocab on this, just overall a great read. props __________________

02-02-2014, 10:30 PM	#4
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This was perhaps the best of these short tomes to heartbreak I've read from you. I really liked the beginning, You dabble in cliché quite a bit, which can be difficult to execute. The "roller coaster of emotion" phrasing was really weak, but you bounced back from it. But I do think you'd be better off working to develop your own set of images and turns of phrases instead of working in such trodden ground. You're good at starting off verses well, perhaps because you usually keep things straightforward instead of burying yourself in metaphors that build on each other. The penultimate line bothered me because "we can both be" needs a plural object ("better people" instead of "a better person"), and I think that's one of those instances where even non-grammar nerds would fumble with the phrasing. But your rhymes are consistent and well-patterend, giving you a really natural cadence. I'm hoping you will be back for Season 3 of the Art of Writing League, which I'll be running starting in about two weeks. Obviously, your personal life interfered, which is completely understandable and worth offering condolences for, but you had a strong run going at the start of Season 2. Also, if you have time, Split Eight and I would appreciate a vote on our Battle Arena topical match: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49829 __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

02-05-2014, 05:39 PM	#6
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	deep bro. good honestly. nice reflection. solid rhyming etc to go with it. hard to really give feed on something so personal, can't really say WOW THIS IS AWESOME, or can't really say yo this was wack as fuck.. it is what it is. and i hate that term lol. u did ur thing. good poem steez ahaha. maybe u can show this to ur next chick and she might s ur d for it?? __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

02-04-2014, 07:49 AM	#5
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Your ways were sadistic, always playing the victim But only you and I knew what you portrayed wasn't fiction. the reasons are vague, but you were strangely addictive And i was way too persistent with making you mine. Tie a rope around my neck and hang me tonight As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride It's only right i confess in a letter & never in person Where you'd tear out my heart; maybe it would lessen the burden All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning ^^Flames. Dope read, stay upwards.

02-10-2014, 08:08 AM	#7
Cereal_Killa Licking Lily's.. Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 706 Battle Record: 11-6 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3565733	Dammmn main.. this was hot, i mean you crunch out with the pain, like your sculpting out artieries with extreme poetry.. "All this stress and the hurting, the lessons i'm learning Seem to be exponentially essential in the steps to maturing." To be true, to be true dude keep it up :) __________________ You think YOU'RE sick I shit cough drops ..

03-02-2014, 02:04 AM	#9
Cereal_Killa Licking Lily's.. Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 706 Battle Record: 11-6 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3565733	dammnnnn straight, get up on it :) __________________ You think YOU'RE sick I shit cough drops ..

03-05-2014, 02:40 PM	#10
Paradigm ___________ Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: California Posts: 1,989 Battle Record: 4-4 Champed - The Ultimate Textcee - NBL Cypher Rep Power: 11033512	this was pretty good overall... the only line i could really do without was As i ride this roller coaster of emotions and try to cradle my pride as it didn't really bring anything to the next line or the one before it... on its own it was just kind of filler. still tho good piece