WEEK FIVE CONTENDERS: UNIVERSE (0-0) vs ADVERSE (2-0) UNI WINS 5-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FIVE

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 26TH @ 11:59PM EST
@Dank

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are song titles by my favorite band, The Wonder Years.

Topic (picked by an unbiased source):
RAINING IN KYOTO


GOOD LUCK

[Dank]

Good luck!

[Adverse]

Dropping in just a few minutes @Universe

[Universe]

Raining in Kyoto

"One man with a gun can control 100 without one." - Vladimir Lenin

*Italicized section below not counted toward the line limit as it was written by Lars/Dank... with a few minor alterations...

......

The Calm Before the Storm

There’s cherry blossom present on what’s left of the sakura trees;
fallen leaves form uneven carpets curated by an autumn breeze (or machines...)
Auburn-greens roar beneath her wooden sandal heels as she trots
as steeped and assured as the paulownia geta she dawned
Xi was my former teacher... We locked eyes as she walked by
I forgot about Ghost of Tsushima and being haunted by hentai
Her kimono draggin' behind like a reptile... Time's critiquing this wardrobe
Either I'm dreaming or the peaceful sky is gleaming with war drones
That I of course chose... I can't fix what's forever broken
My birthright was left for dead, anonymity's a gift I've never opened
Xi and I were both imported from an island of orphans
Probably why she didn't question her name being Chinese in origin...
White men are foreign; of course when I speak it sounds off
Leading crowds of upstanding citizens might be my downfall
They all played a part... odd they never had knee jerk reactions
I've learned these creatures of habit won't ever be feature attractions
At Xi's behest I erected Tokyo camps a few degrees west
We were Romeo and Juliet roaming those abandoned movie sets
Yet cupid's reign comes to an end - Envision my quiverin' lips...
Muttering "Cue the rain" as thunder hits with a simple flick of the wrist...

Rein You In

I watch Xi stop and pirouette, appearing wet as a lightning rod
Hair lightly tossed, then a sightly jog through my shoji to dry it off
Her towel drops; lubed vagina walls accept my exuberant giant cock
My mouth moving slightly when she forgot that I knew her dialogue...
Tipsy off wine and sake; In truth it's just three inches to my crotch
I travelled east cuz that's considered by Japanese women to be lots
My body's a rabid feeding vulture flying with one soul interest
But I fell for the Japanese culture of minding your own business
Xi sucked me off... I could've screamed "Cut!" that instant
Gettin' head like Tylenol rapid relief, each Take's only but a minute...
Fingering her cunt while she did it - Whoever said art is dead?
The next day she'll be at her beginning mark, ready to start again
My partner to the end; She even gave a snuff tape a whirl
When hate unfurled her face would turn to a mask of a geisha girl
Trapped in a makeshift world... She's never escaping my clutches
Check the dailies for some clips, we're ahead in the ratings a month in...
Cream of sum yung gai is chased with Genshu sake in a pinch
Accentuating dreams of bukkake that I was too modest to commit
And on it went... I found cocaine made Xi a real powder keg
Was down to play groundhog day whenever she heard the sound of rain
Then one night she never came... I'm stuck in a drug induced haze
So used to our whole back n' forth I must've dug it two ways...
It amazed me how she evaded the confines I made
I heard, 'There must be someone you didn't pay off I'm afraid'
Tied knots aren't known to fray... My emotions swept the high seas
Awakening cold winds inside me like sailboats that set my mind free...

The Escape

Hungry for more, I went to my computer and checked the live feeds
Saw Xi running through the weeds below the cameras in vine trees
Focused sight seeing drove me to the brink of blowing
I leaned into the microphone and said, "Where do you think you're going?"
Xi nearly fell over, looked to the heavens like Jesus had spoken
I said, "The only things not invented here are reasons and motives"
"You reap what you sew..." I twist dials and turn them counter clockwise
Xi found it surprising when she couldn't find a cloud in the sky...
Watched her keep running, passed plastic bonzai's and red leaf pines
Everything here is as fake as the bonds I have left behind
Xi saw sniper nests up high, least a dozen had manned the wall
American flags were raised, now she knew this wasn't Japan at all...
She understands... Slack-jawed she begins to synch with her gimmick
The constant rainfall was made from intricate sprinkler systems
It's all becoming clear, like back when I was in that jumbo sphere
The title appeared as 'The Truman Show'... I called it my Wonder Years...
Walked to the sun with cheers; Plot holes can't expect to involve truth
I made this settlement with my settlement check from the lawsuit
I'm Truman Burbank the human birdcage; Look at the monster money makes
In a shut-in state I've created the very world I had once escaped
If pages bend the rules no one will go buy the book rights
So in case I don't see you...

Good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.

Asylum

I shut off the lights; Gunshots ignite - I can't take more practised sorrow
But I can afford to have a new Xi trained and cast tomorrow
I masturbate to classic porno while bathing in its low glow
But to label me as loco that would take me going postal
I won't mail it in... it's MY turn to be enslaving all the locals
Let's make no bones... I'm a means to an end of all races like a slow-mo
Asians are a low blow, so after I'm done training in this dojo...
I'm maiming some black hobo's tied in basements back in SoHo
You only know your net worth if you make it passed the goal posts
But I've lost count how many I've been chasing with my GoPro
Washed away sins just to go home; This paid stream's going global
So with a flick of the wrist, once again...

It was Raining in Kyoto.

Yet...

Precipitation means no hope; Seasons don't change they merely no show
Water's tiny pitter-patter against the pane could freeze a snow globe
Kept at arms length by my own rope; feeling naked with the most clothes
A 'Burbank' tag is the focal point next to an insane asylum logo
The 'Shutter Island' was surprising... My real alias is known though
But it's such a shaky development I'd hate to see the photo...
Aliens showed up, known for speaking the language of most grown folks
Boats sailed along the coast close to an angel corpse that won't float...

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145549

Whoa.

I'm stark raven mad as Poe's prose; Every statement makes my nose grow
I even crammed Elisa Lam in a water tank... but that's my old ghost...
Ingrained in me like cocoa, it's easy to say go with the flow though
With medication taking hold I could paddle up Niagara in a rowboat
I'm a regular Joe Blow whose update keeps getting postponed
My dark passenger only drives me crazy when the road's closed
The patient behind spoke slow, sticking the dagger in with no cloak
"Do nightmares ever truly end?' I'd wager that's a no bro...
I'm so alone and beside myself I'm basically my own clone
"Meet me in Montauk" he whispered...

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150399

Then I was strangled in a choke hold.

I awoke to see...

There’s cherry blossom present on what’s left of the sakura trees;
fallen leaves form uneven carpets curated by an autumn breeze (or machines...)
Auburn-greens roar beneath her wooden sandal heels as she trots
as steeped and assured as the paulownia geta she dawned
Xi was my former teacher...

[Adverse]

To be dishonored is to die a thousand deaths
So I’ll be be damned if they catch me being cowardice
Still got so many sins that I’ve yet to atone
Throw my corpse to feral dogs so they can carefully knaw all the flesh from my bones
Oh sweet poetic justice, a posthumous redemption
Erase my name from history, it’s better lost than ever mentioned
My condition is that I’m human, the wearer of this cursed flesh
Been chasing hearses ever since the moment I took my very first steps

It was the springtime of our youth, before the innocence decayed
Always just me and my kid sister, at the beginning of each day
Dyed in orange by the sunrise splitting through the haze
Each image is engrained and crystal clear as I reminisce today
Idolizing samurai, wielding sticks and pretend we’re crossing blades
Through the frost and rain, the summer sun sat us ablaze
When you left...I swear I lost a piece of myself, I’m despondent
Her lifeless body lying still haunts me, embedded deep inside my conscience

You’ve heard whispers of my name, designated an outlaw
Rice hat catching the sunbeams that slipped through the cloud’s paws
Suspicious glances come aplenty from the shogunate men
They promise anyone trekking the road of revenge will meet a sobering end
Cherry blossoms raining as I sleep under the tree, an assassin for hiring
I feel the whole world start to shift, as the winds start conspiring
Sensing silent footsteps approach me, I grab my blade caught by surprise
As a pale girl stands before me, with big, red, sorrowful eyes
“Uh...sorry to bother you, Mr. Ronin...”I drop my sword and get less apprehensive
“Are you the hit man they talk about?” I nodded yes to answer her question
“I need you to take care of someone for me” tears well and fall down her face
“It’s the shogun....he killed my whole family, I’ve taken about all I can take!”
I stare down at this little girl, the tremble in her lip has me crossed
She’s the spitting image of the sister I lost...
Of course I can’t deny her pleas, If I did I couldn’t live with the ghosts
So I start to plot on how to bring war to these miserable souls

I approach the shogun’s premises, expecting the castle gates to be closed
To my surprise they’re wide open, and the handful of guards act lackadaisical
“Is it a trap?” I think to myself, targeting the guard turned away from me and take it slow
Drove my sword in his back, the blade leaves a gaping hole
The others notice but instead of charging me, they’re running in fear
Somethings wrong here...or maybe they sense that their punishment’s near
My steel slices through the air into bodies, limbs are getting torn
I continue to injure the uninterested swarm with sinister scorn
Inherited bloodlust, obtained from her, included in the contract
Every evil seed led to this life, I was rooted on the wrong path
Red droplets pelt my skin as I swing the sword towards them
It’s no surprise, the skies have opened wide, it’s raining in Kyoto again

But all the sudden...it all fades to black like I lost my sight
As this maroon tinted earth sheds an awful light on this autumn night
“Wait....where am I!?” my heart slows and palms shake as I ponder this
Last I remember I had a couple acid hits and dozed off to a Kurosawa flick
Blaring sirens interrupts my realization before it tries to begin...
Reinforcements are storming in, more of the shogunate men?
I crouch down by the bushes as I hear voices closing on in
Once I hear the footsteps only feet away
WHIFF! I hack my sword between a soldier’s throat and his chin
I loved the bewildered surprise in his eyes I couldn’t hold back a grin
But as soon as i bring my blade back, then the bullets descend

As I lay in the dirt, a mob gathers watching me bleed
I feel reality caving in...spacing out, is this all just a dream?
“Oh my my what a volatile scene..”
It’s the flaming eyed girl from before, she approaches and drops to her knees
Next to my bullet riddled body I whisper “you...”
It’s followed by a cough and a wheez
“Shhh it’s all over now, no need to jostle and weave
Save your energy, your job is complete”
“But the shogun...” I manage to squeeze the words through the gaps in my teeth
“Don’t worry about him, look at all you’ve achieved!”
My eyes bob and ebb on the sea of bodies that were the product of me
But my heart starts to sink... I see something I don’t want to believe
A sign standing in the distance reads “Maruyama Park” it can’t be...

The present day starts to consume this illusion of feudal Japan
Showing modernism in its wake, the sword vaporizes that I held in my hand
But one thing doesn’t vanish, all of the corpses flooding the streets
Innocent faces, women, children and men cut piece by piece
I look down at my shaking, blood drenched hands “ITS ALL YOUR FAULT” they both scream
The laughter of a little girl shrieks, and my bawling impedes
“I am the agent of destruction, wherever chaos falls, I will be
You should have rethought that contract now your soul belongs to ME”
Her adolescent voice takes a demonic tone, as I try to squirm away like a pathetic worm
But before I can, blackened hands break through the sediment and drag me into the depths of the earth

My obsession with samurai is what led me to my death
Dishonored as a slaughtering monster, that’s the legacy I left
How many years has it been? I can’t tell I’m so tired
It’s probably raining in Kyoto again...but it’ll never quell this hellfire

[Candy]

universe:
Whoever said art is dead?

the groundhoug day/rain line was dope also dope was this: "The only things not invented here are reasons and motives", your fucken asylum stanza was off the chain.. holy shit "angel corpse that won't float..." i loved that it was a story about being in someone elses post because of translation.. the quotes were off the hook.. in general the open few bars were fire and then it was like the next half cool but it seemed it got extinguished then bamm that asylum part bust out and you just tore the reader pieces lol.. nice job

adverse:
i like your take on the rain very subtly, very poetic.. the revenge story was dope to i was interested the whole tale.. i think structure wise this was infinitely tighter then uni's by his being soo loosely based and spreading in such a vast direction even though yours did to it was just tighter.. vocab hot, charcaters hot - plot the was i read out all good.. top piece xoxo

vote = universe

i havent read much like this so though were 100% original unis just one uped it.. gl yall

[brokenhal0]

Universe - great vocab wonderful imagery i compare it to a Ferrari
some parts where convoluted and felt forced but everytime the momentum slowed u picked it back up ,with some seriously crafty lines it was a good read one of your
better works recently imo


Adverse - Idk man i feel like the whole japan feudal environment is kinda played out
mind you I used a sword reference in my post and tried to limit that sort of filter I feel like this season there is some seriously creative writing and the bar is set high in terms of concepts and individuality I enjoyed your verse but i feel if you used more complicated vocabulary and veered into different visual environments the magnetism of the story would be stronger

vote - universe

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Reserved for vote

[Adonis]

Universe- excited the dark read, very descriptive in terms of scenery and gore. I wished at points you used commas because the lines themselves flowed but as an actual sentence really needed the comma to be proper. This was a story of a girl captured and escaping, but the from the point of view of the capture or bad guy. Good read a bit long though as I say that each stanza held plot or weight on it's own integral to story itself. Notice no commas. For the most part the flow was stellar, though, at times, I felt it was kind of just bidding time until the build ups occurred. All in all good read, heavy narrative that both griped my attention and held it with it's turn of phrase and schemes. Long, but fun read that didn't seem long as I read, only after be looking at it as a whole.

Adverse - seemed like you wrote this in different sittings. Only reason I say that is because, to me, you seemed to pick up steam in flow and storytelling, then sort of have a lull then pick right back up. "tears well then fell down her face" just a simple adjust but adds flair in schemes yet loses zero context. The samurai take fit perfect as it tugs on the shit that I like. The storyline itself was solid, though, near the end dragged on. You seemed to begin coming to a close then reset and began coming to a close again in final stanza. I will add I mentioned lack of comas in your competitors verse so I kind of have to say, I won't quote, but one sentence had 4 comas and that helped me as the reader to match your writers voice.

All in all this was a good battle. I enjoyed both reads, find things I didn't like as much, but each verse had sperts where I was kind of floored because it just wasn't something I would of thought of. I do think universe had better schemes throughout, but adverse held my attention a tad more, probably because the Ronin samurai theme drew me in more. In ether case, fully enjoyed the read ladies, than you.

V / universe

This was a tuff vote and dare say as even as ever, to be though, for all the good each writer has, universe simply had more depth on various lines that popped in my reading. Not to say adverse did not, I just felt like his writing style slightly gave him the edge

[NYCSPITZ]

This was BOTW imo, I thought both of you had some really dope moments. Both flexed a real nice skill set of flow, vocab, dialogue, and various literary devices that some others in the league just don’t have, making this a tough vote. As I read adverse’s verse, I really got into it in the middle. I think that section engaged me more than any part in either verse, but I’ll admit I wasn’t really feeling the ending. Surprise twists are hit or miss, in this case I felt a bit of letdown. I had a few question marks in my head like, if he’s really dying, why did he get shot if it was an acid trip and he thought he was a ronin? And the girl turns out to be a demon? Seems like a couple plot holes there brother, I would have preferred you just straight up kept the story of a ronin without the demon acid trip invasion, would’ve voted for you in that case.

Universe was a cool humorous verse. There was a lot of TV references that seemed random that I wasn’t feeling too much, just. Bit too gimmicky for my tastes, but the flow and everything was dope. The Truman show reference was cool but then I felt like you did too much with the twist after that, got a little weird with him dying after she dies and all that. Overall I enjoyed the verse but I think despite BOTW status both you and eviction tried to do a little too much with the twist ending instead of writing to your high level abilties and cleaning up the story a bit without too many detours. Either way, thought you did enough to win this, I gotta give you the edge because eviction’s ending threw me off a little bit mroe than yours, while the rest of both verses had some elite skill flashes, but both fell short of their true potential here imo. Good battle either way.

V/ Universe

[Dominate]

Uni:
I love this Truman Show controlled weather take on the topic. So Creative. Glad you mentioned ‘Xi’ being a Chinese name lol, that jumped out at me too. There’s a little bit of an orientalism vibe in those first four lines Lars wrote (on their own. It’s fine as an into and I’m sure he would have written a story with plenty of substance and not just making Japan sound exotic). But since you were building on that I actually love that your story was like YEAH, WHITE MAN WITH ASIAN FETISH, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE DOING HERE completely unapologetically. I don’t think you needed to write 100 here honestly - you could have cut this off at ‘Asylum’. You already wrote a dope take on the topic with an interesting story and a good twist by that point. I wanted to reread and digest and appreciate that much. I didn’t need more. Still enjoyed it but it was like watching a movie and its sequel back to back when I would have preferred separate viewings. Flow, rhymes, general writing skill all excellent throughout, as expected.


Adverse,
This take is cool, raining BLOOD in Kyoto bc it’s a samurai slaughterfest, dig it.
Flow, rhymes, vocab, all great. I think I would have preferred just the straight samurai story and not the acid trip twist. Or if you went that route I think I would’ve liked it more if it was more abrupt and surprising rather than fed in with the character’s confusion about where he is etc.

This is actually pretty close IMO and def BOTW. I’m going to edge it to Universe for a more creative take on the topic and for a slightly more polished delivery. Good stuff gents

V/ Uni