11-12-2019, 07:29 AM | #1 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 502
Battle Record: 12-12=4
Champed - AOWL Season IX
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active disclaimers
When can the coke leak?
feel the pain but im no beast I pushed love when hope ceased kept composure when there's no peace my appetites strong but my souls weak The passenger kisses me early traveling out of shirley it felt like a whirly a swirly for a girly boy acting burly towers below the blooming cusp in instagram i truly cut introducing saturn lost in time but im a loony one violence facilitates active disclaimers whatever designer your movies are made of danger found freedom fusing with anger another level wash em up using those hangers sabotage my self forgive the drugs and liquor advance adept baying spirits beyond the cubic trigger intellectual my heart knows what removes the figure i ain't stupid sinner you got what you ask for shooters with ya sutures with ya witch hunt sick cunt with the lit rum sail away far rail way cars im seeing stars on journeys private bars weekends at bernies walking dead audibly thirsty descriptive dreams transmitted earth outside ill do it first shoot a verse with the universe while you refuse to burn the rooted dirt set loose the screws which brewed the curse Last edited by brokenhal0; 05-26-2020 at 08:04 PM. |
11-20-2019, 12:52 AM | #2 |
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
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Liked the opening stanza.
After that, meh. |
11-20-2019, 10:30 PM | #3 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Crazy nice
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
02-19-2023, 01:28 PM | #4 |
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
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****2023 FEED by TUESDAY
Appears another "dickey" post by me, from years past. Self-awareness can be a real bitch, as I was not even aware how annoying I was. @brokenhal0 I think this old piece is good shit (but not FIRE like your recent!), let's do an out of 10 stanza grade exercise: Stanza # 1 - 10/10 2 - 5/10 **ehhh bzzz...the wording and styling just seemed so free-stylie and fillery compared to the strong opener that I was "put off" a bit, as a reader, and made the asshole comment few years ago. Not excusing it, just giving you the reason. "whirly/swirly" 3 - 7.5/10 liked the "cut" word/line 4 - 9/10 really strong and clever stanza, that I liked 5 - 7.5/10 again 6 - 8/10 we see the roots of your phrasing/style as you developed into an even harder-hitter 7 - ehh 6.5-7 closer; I thought the final line kinda rushed. not a horrible stanza tho; "universe" rhyme we all know about those ================================================== ============================= It's been a pleasure "coming up" as a RIGHTER w/you. I was just so relieved what you dropped in our Topical competition: At the risk of swaying against myself, I'm just thinking... FIRE...FINALLY...lol. I can have fun and rip your imaginitive /now FULLY HONED &much better verses...It's like thank godddd: this is gonna sound arrogant, but I wrote a lot the last couple weeks and its just a relieffff to not have to "make something new of my own" to be entertained by-- I've got hal0's shit too now,, so that's comforting... Thanks for being around, and keep imagining different WORDINGS to make the line/stanza hit even harder!! TOP NOTCH drop Halo--glad I dropped something with effort & did this week justice. Peace Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 02-20-2023 at 08:18 PM. |
02-22-2023, 04:21 PM | #5 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
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Yep, let's up this.
Yep, I am this arrogant. We are all lucky hal0 is still posting here. |
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