Crucible

Eŋg · 07-02-2013, 01:21 PM

i found it reasonably interesting. your complete lack of grammar really enforced the already apparent idea it was a stream of consciousness... which had a clash of what i thought were genuinely inspired moments, marred by some less impressive, listless deliveries. i'm not really one to criticize syntax, generally, but yours doesn't help yourself, or the reader. but as i said, it more or less fit the piece.

faith of the servant vs. face of the serpent

Remember life, now a man must represent members of his shelter

more of that.

In the breath of the lung is the voice of the love
The days come when the void of the dark
Will point to the noise of the light
The joy in our joint, smiting the knights of the night

less of this. imo.

you write for yourself, though. not me. so keep on, i liked it.

07-02-2013, 01:21 PM	#13
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	i found it reasonably interesting. your complete lack of grammar really enforced the already apparent idea it was a stream of consciousness... which had a clash of what i thought were genuinely inspired moments, marred by some less impressive, listless deliveries. i'm not really one to criticize syntax, generally, but yours doesn't help yourself, or the reader. but as i said, it more or less fit the piece. faith of the servant vs. face of the serpent Remember life, now a man must represent members of his shelter more of that. In the breath of the lung is the voice of the love The days come when the void of the dark Will point to the noise of the light The joy in our joint, smiting the knights of the night less of this. imo. you write for yourself, though. not me. so keep on, i liked it.