Twin Tourney Topical Division Semi Final: symetrik vs brokenhal0 - OPEN FOR VOTES

[PancakeBrah]

symetrik - Interesting, evocative, uneven, confusing, good. Really thematic and allusory. Maybe I've been gone for too long and its now the norm for these topical or open mic pieces to carry a consistent evocation that circles in on itself but I would doubt that. At first the overt narrative and the thematic backbone seemed at odds which lead to a confusing initial read. Or, at least, confusing on the surface. For instance, in the fourth section what exactly cracked the foundation? The identity? The burning of the identity? Or the lingering omens? Charitably someone could say that inexactness contributes to the blending of of the historical themes and 'real life' action but I'd wager a cleaner connection serves the piece. After a few re-reads, though, it all coalesces into something quite nice in my opinion. I've never been plot-pilled so whether or not I truly understand the actual actions of a piece is immaterial to my enjoyment of it so long as there is other enjoyment to be found. There is enjoyment to be found here. As far as I can interpret it, we have an addict (or more likely someone posing as an addict) using a sobriety meeting as an alibi. He's of Nordic ancestry and obviously has some real fucking mental issues. Comes to believe that the classic lie of the noble Vikings (which could be applied to any ancient warrior culture we romanticize) is incorrect, that human nature is violence. Seems to embrace that. We can assume what is in the glovebox what with the theme of evil human nature, symbols of death, and the classic car backfire. Some might question the relation to the topic but to me the prompt, in relation to this piece, is clearly Yggdrasil. If that's not what you intended that's fine as I think it works strongly regardless of intent, and the fact you leave it up to the reader to make the connection is the sign of a confident writer.

So we have a meditation on the classic Hobbs v. Locke debate using a kind of Fight Club / noir plot device. To the actual writing I had some issues but I always feel a bit weird critiquing style and technique. For instance I'd rather cold styrofoam just be styrofoam, I hate heaviest in 'heaviest fears', didn't like solitary. Basically a few too many unnecessary adjectives for my taste. Some phrases are probably okay and technically 'correct' but read awkwardly to me, like the Raven's southpaw, the exact use of alighted, 'amend soon', etc. Also you have the classic problem of a long quotation in a topical piece. Keeping quotes shorter, breaking them up with rhyming attributions, etc. usually is a crisper way to do this although I enjoy the risk of this approach. Not at all all bad, though. The brotherless man bar was nice. The final two sections were the strength of the piece. Always nice to finish strong.

Really enjoyed reading this, and moreso re-reading it. Had a bit more depth than what I expect, and depth in a different way. Thanks.

brokenhal0 - Point of order, I find using Youtube links, any external links, basically anything that isn't just the verse distracting at best and insulting most likely. This is something I'll mention in the other topical battle as well. I used to add the topical's photo to the end of my piece when I did these and regret that. The piece should stand on its own and extra media either takes away from that or adds to it and in adding to it could be seen as unfair to the competitor. Not everyone agrees with that, that's fine. Each voter is different.

This felt a bet repetitive and lacking cohesion. I think mentioning the tree in the first section then introducing that, or a different, tree later on in the piece could be workshopped somehow. The wording of the first mention doesn't lend itself to thinking its the same as the key plot device tree unless you just assume the latter half of the piece is entirely metaphorical. If we assume that, the tree is buried deep inside but within one's inner desert which requires an inward journey and this desert is in one's inner foreign land etc. Don't know, seems a bit sloppy to me. The re-use of spine and reiteration of Eric's condition felt a bit too much like a hammer. One line would do the trick for this unless the subsequent mentions had evocative turns of phrase or propelled the piece which I don't think they did. Also, most 'gem of a guy' types don't "demanded repeatedly, something he would often do." This all may seem nitpicky but when doing a character sketch and or a low action, meditative piece these things matter. The content is the point so the content has to be on point. This piece reminds me of some thoughts I've had on trying to write topicals in the past. Trying to capture beauty or redemption, and how to write something somewhat static that bursts with ebulience, and how to translate that ebulience in a written piece that rhymes. I found it rather difficult to do that and failed at it every time I tried it. Because the crux of this piece is the transformation and transcendence and rebirth but the crescendo of the piece presented didn't impress that upon me well enough. In that way it felt a bit rote, which is very surprising to me as you are one of the most unique (for [mostly] good and [rarely] bad) writers on this site. This felt like a course correction I wouldn't make. Not at all all negative - the phrasing in certain sections was quite nice and I enjoyed the more stripped down ending section a bit.

Vote - symetrik