TTT Round One: Etherwave vs Master Rock

[sral]

The Topical Tourney 2024



Due Dates:
Verses this week are due Thursday and will be open until Sunday.
Battles that lack votes may close later.
One sided battles may get closed early.
Extensions are 24 hours

Line Limit: 16 Minimum, 32 Maximum

Topic:



@Master Rock @Etherwave

[Etherwave]

Heard

[Master Rock]

Check

[Etherwave]

Cosmic crisis. You can call it karmic chaos. This loss of life. Our whole existence a crisis of conscience.

Such a nuisance, the hubris of a human. The passion. The rage. The fear we couldn't face, manifesting as the war we waged. Turning away from charades...shedding the masks we wore to hide our demons by day.

Self saboteurs by nature. We didn't fall, we just never reached grace. There would be no Jesus, no savior, no man with a cape. Just our egos, our faith....and fate.

And we called out to our creator to no avail. Our wails just echos in open space.

We sailed to the edge of the Earth to seek what we craved. There was no God, no guide, no trail left paved.

We reached out to our maker, but the silence couldn't save us and no semblance of peace remained. The black hole, that the absence of hope left in humanity, didn't pale in comparison to the way we failed as a species. We knew too much to have no meaning.

So the universe wasn't much surprised, when we decided to program our own demise in AI.

Our intelligence was artificial long before our art was officially comprised of all the hate we let our gardens grow with the seeds we'd sown. Our creation turned against its creator, as we had our own.

[Master Rock]

Now I need an extension. I got too many personal things to do at the moment and I wanna make this stuff right. Give me till Friday night or Saturday morning and I’m dropping off a bomb.

[sral]

Friday night it is. @Master Rock

[Master Rock]

I'm caught in a war, and it seems like a dream
stitching the fabric of reality: it's ripping the objective and subjective, but somehow... I'm caught in-between
these terrors of a technological scheme, the broken man versus scrap metal machines,
bioengineering society transcending into cybernetical fiends, the oracle once prophesied of the production of these things,
behind the binary circuits, the gears turn facing a war it brings
dead birds fall in a cage; they never sing, dance, or twist
I never chose this?
Born in an age where only my childhood is what I reminisce
based in a program, and it's biting the bits
the algorithms a recipe for my confusion
let em cook, I say to the mirror, bashing my head
the hard knocks cause my contusion, at my door conclusions
open up to an allusion, It's all confusing
I'm losing my mind; black hole sun is glooming
my shine
stranger than fiction nightmares come to life like Optimus prime
the pollution running past the shadows as darkness climbs
broken hourglass no time a concept running blind into deep
the dawn of metal never sleeps, rocking my dreams, knocking me wide awake,
confronted with a trinity of iron soldiers willing to fight for my fate forged in iron as the fires are at stake
building crumble, the ground quakes
mankind fighting for crumbs, as the logics at state; capitalize
waging wars, smog in blood-red skies, the city torn from uprising the AI
reign storm, a grim reminder of the end of an era being born as others die
there's no greater truth than when we lie

[Etherwave]

Fire

[Candy]

wave:
the new girl to the group welcome, i hope you kick some ass and turn some heads doing it.. aite with that said loved your opener puts you right in your place pretty but not too manly to call it ugly in a alpha male type of way.. still holden it down yo like you want to play in this verse.. the flip on the first bar hot.. doubles with internals dope artistic expression and brilliant word choice.. crisis was looking a bit loose but by the end of the bar it hits.. concience good choice of word to solid maintains the verse.. second stanza dope it hit one punch after another i had to read it all the way through not plot by plot point where you anaylize and just take in its awesome but the whole stanza def did its thing.. rocked almost its way through.. emotion 3rd way in real raw.. story unfolded nicely right to just bang the nail on the head with that last part of salvation lost.. hmm interesting the ai turned against its own but the manind still grow their grains plow and what not but the computer gens just stomp away cool cool.. i really enjoyed it thanks..

master:
the scrap metal machine was f'n dope dude it was like some potential to potential to some potential again like these lines might fall short but that last three words dope as f'.. i like introduction of the orical.. real cool the machine prophicizing was a nice build up to.. this is a solid outlay man the whole story is structured like a beast not to mention the actual rhyme layout is fire a good point to mention right about now cause the story factors kicken my ass lol.. man they momentium in the end few lines was fire.. then you get to the end and theirs no connection to it.. im like wtf.. but the whole verse bar one line was sick.. good read thans..

vote = etherwave

man i had to seriously think about this and it came down to one master had the rap/poet structure in the bag but ether had the story telling with a climax/punchline.. im like do i go for the loose based style which style has original appeal or go for the bases fully loaded hard hitting piece that really knocks you on your ass how it flows.. man i took script writing class soo im a sucker for a good story.. g/l guys

[brokenhal0]

Etherwave:

Good use of punctuation to layer your flow; it made it rhyme in a very precise way to get your concept across while showing your execution of hip-hop style. I enjoyed the topic and the way you kept it short and strong, with good emotion in your wording.

Master:

I thought this was good conceptually in terms that it was more of a story while your competitor was more of a personal reflection of something happening. The problem I had reading it was it was a bit long-winded. When it comes to hip-hop, it lacked the emotion and rhyming cadence (flow) which your competitor set the tone for. It sounded a bit robotic and less master rock that I'm used to.


vote = etherwave

[Dope girl]

I enjoy reading both
Both stay on topic
Flows nicely done
I felt like Ether more creative compare to Master

Vote-Etherwave

[symetrik]

Etherwave:

tbh I was off put by the first line, but reading the rest was smooth. could have easily started this piece from line two.

this is a solid piece, a clear little compact storytelling the much grander and bigger story of humanity, its wars and its path, the desperation to know some answer or path and yet really never getting a clear answer so making the best of what we had and trying to figure it out on our own. I like the emphasis put on reaching out to a god, it happening twice before it feels like they give up.

"we didn't fall, we just never reached grace" was dope. the ending line's "gardens grow" bit was a bit long and didn't feel like it quite fit, but the last sentence was fire.

some really strong inners as well, "no avail", "wails/space", "sailed/craved", "trail/paved".

this was written pretty clearly, which is usually good in my opinion, although I do like a little "hmm I wonder what...".

A couple of spots didn't quite land for me, but not enough to detract from the piece in a significant way.


Master Rock:
"broken man vs scrap metal machines" is dope, and I would have liked to see this explored more. it almost feels like someone is haphazardly putting together machines for some small hope, whatever it may be.

I like the broad strokes of "bioengineering society transcending into cybernetical fiends", I think it's a good sci-fi trope-ish where as society improves and you can start "upgrading" your life, there are people that take it too far and the moral quandary ends up being "at what point have you lost your humanity" - especially in a world where robots/etc. are more stable and accepted, is it more likely that many no longer believe in the "soul" as some metaphysical thing? at what point DO you lose your humanity?

the middle bit lost me for awhile, and cast some confusion for myself as the reader on who or what the narrator was - who's cooking, was its childhood made by a program, etc.

my best guess is a man who has gone down some cybernetic path and is clinging to what tiny bit remains of his humanity - "I'm losing my mind, black hole sun is glooming my shine" makes me tend in that direction.

the rest of the piece, the ending, seems to confirm my initial theory: nightmares awakening (whether they are robots or cybernetics or humans that are doing immoral things...), (although, not sure how much of a nightmare optimus prime is xD), the pollution perhaps being the growing addiction/interest in enhancing oneself.

The trinity of soldiers line connected directly with the topic which was cool - kinda a media res moment, and the "fires are at stake" struck me again as "the last burning embers of humanity".

the ending felt a little rushed - I would have liked a bit more time in that "media res" as I had thought it to be, confronting, but it panned out very quickly.

ending lines regarding "eras die for others to be born" is cool.

-----

For me this is the closest battle I've had to vote on - Etherwave's piece is clear, succinct, excellent demonstration of rhyme and flow. Master Rock's piece is grittier (in the sense of the vocab/imagery), and while longer it didn't quite fill my appetite for the story that was unfolding - however, it led me down several interesting questions that were less about the piece and more about the human condition.

To avoid bias affecting my vote I'm just gonna lean into some things I've been saying recently: flow is king, clarity is queen.

all said, mvgt Etherwave by a slim margin.

[Master Rock]

@Etherwave, I'm glad your here. Dope introduction. Stick around and make waves.

[Objective]

Etherwave - You grow to be one of the more inexperienced writers I look forward to reading from due to the potential and growth I see. Since this is a tournament I'm going to be extra nitpicky as well, but hope it inspires/motivates as opposed to leaving a defeating feeling lingering. I have a strong tendency of rambling on, so read what you want lmfao

The intro and closure is always super important as it sets the tone for how you enter a piece and what you feel and are left with when you exit it, and I tend to notice certain "hiccups" and "do's and dont's" here more than anywhere else.
Cosmic crisis. You can call it karmic chaos. This loss of life. Our whole existence a crisis of conscience.
^Atmosphere dope, imagery great. Wording? Repetitive usage of "crisis". Even if used to underline what kind of crisis it is you've already established that and saying it twice. Why this is important is because you're not adding anything to what you've already said, and that is a thing to avoid going forward unless you have an even clearer and more solid reason for using crisis twice so close to each other. Also, in a short piece/story the repetitive usage of words is even more highlighted than it would in a novel with chapters or paragraphs between each use for example.

I love the assonance in "nuisance", "hubris" and "human", rolls well off the tongue as we get into the finer details of the crisis going on. Also enjoy this stanza a lot, this would be a better opener in my opinion because it's poignant, not repetitive and "Such a nuisance, the hubris of a human. The passion. The rage. The fear we couldn't face, manifesting as the war we waged"" sets a wonderful tone in both language and scene.

And we called out to our creator to no avail. Our wails just echos in open space. <- This is pretty cool as well, so I might have repurposed what you used for the intro here instead as it also expands from human, to nature, to creator, to space and then existence so it reads like this:
And we called out to our creator to no avail. Our wails just echos in open space. Cosmic crisis. You can call it karmic chaos. This loss of life. Our whole existence a crisis of conscience.
^it drives the story further as the second half comes along which would have guided me through your vision a slight bit clearer.

We sailed to the edge of the Earth to seek what we craved. There was no God, no guide, no trail left paved.
^Alright, liking this and looking to see where you're going with it.

We reached out to our maker, but the silence couldn't save us and no semblance of peace remained. The black hole, that the absence of hope left in humanity, didn't pale in comparison to the way we failed as a species. We knew too much to have no meaning.
^Also enjoying this but sometimes less is more. I don't think you have to say "as a species", and if it's important a different phrasing, or adding another sentence, would help a lot with flow as "remained" and "failed" kinda flows better than a longer sentence adding on even more to a pretty long bar. A technique to help with this is reading it out loud for yourself, see when you start to breathe, where you're stumbling while reading or any inconsistencies in the fluidity of the content you read. That was a key moment for me to when I could start finding and playing with longer drawn out sentences, or short hard breaks. When and where to use them. Altho I still got a way to go I think my feedback here may help you as well if you don't already do this.

So the universe wasn't much surprised, when we decided to program our own demise in AI.
^Love the concept but the execution needs work as the ending is very abrupt in terms of flow. AI don't work that well with surprised or demise, mainly due to the "ice"-ending as opposed to "I", AIs would have worked better in this regard.
Or simply removed "in" (not needed) and "own" (as "our" is self explanatory to who owns what) and worded it to something like:
"our AI demise" with focus on the "ice"-rhymes (see what I did there? huehue). Also, you're creating a comma where comma isn't needed, so the pause created comes off as a bit more awkward than it needs to be. This is where battlerap/text tend to differ from topical as the comma makes sense with a beat patterm but you're more freeform in topical in terms of who's going to read it and for what purpose. I might be the only one here that cares about punctuation like this tho.

Our intelligence was artificial long before our art was officially comprised of all the hate we let our gardens grow with the seeds we'd sown. Our creation turned against its creator, as we had our own.
^Love the use of "comprised" as an internal to the previous stanza and transitioning to the end of your piece. Content-wise this is great. I like the closure and wrap up of your story. However, like with your intro you break "rules" by rhyming a word that consist of another word (sown & own), repititive without really repeating any words but the structure of them makes it so. Something to keep in mind in terms of rhymes going forward.

All in all I enjoyed the read. Enjoyed the content matter and the journey of humanity vs AI from the down to earth and digestible parts to the more cosmic and extravagant. A pretty cool piece in and of itself with a few hiccups that can be fixed with editing/spending more time (figuring out syllables to move, structure and trajection/pace from start to finish) and being aware of the do's and don't's we all have preferences for, but ultimately affects us as readers/voters.

Good shit bruh, keep posting & joining tourneys. Looking forward to see where your writing journey takes you

VS

Master Rock - A seasoned writer and one I enjoy reading. Intro is gripping and attention grabbing, it's always fun playing with themes of reality even if somewhat predictable in this context. Where you take it is where it matters tho.

these terrors of a technological scheme, the broken man versus scrap metal machines,
bioengineering society transcending into cybernetical fiends, the oracle once prophesied of the production of these things,
^Dug this all the way to "these things". Come on, haha, that's a lazy way to end it when you've done so much amazing work at the verbiage beforehand. It sticks out unless you stick to the theme of your writing, nah'mean? (See what I did there? huehuehue)

Aaaah, "these things" -> "it brings", I see you. Kinda wish you had kept it going when "sing" comes into play. Something like "they never sleep, sing, dance or twist". Other than that I see what you're doing but I still kinda wish you had gone for a bit higher vebiage instead of "these things" when you've kept the vocabulary as complex as you did up until that part.

I like the direction the story is going with questioning the situation you're wrapped up and forced into. I like the added humor of "biting the bits" despite the gravity of it all. Also liking the "oozing/ooing"-internals. However, "Born in an age where my childhood is what I reminisce" feels like a better intro as I'm now put into a new situation from someone being caught in a war.

stranger than fiction nightmares come to life like Optimus prime
^Is Optimus Prime a nightmare? Wouldn't that be Megatron? I feel like content got sacrificed for rhymes here.

Loving the closure "there's no greater truth than when we lie". Interesting, we love to believe our lies until that becomes truth but I struggle seeing where that fits into what was said previously.
The way I see AI and everything they did in your story is very much real and doesn't disrupt the fabric of reality theme you were mentioning in the start. Re-reading the start I now see that it says "seems like a dream" instead of stitching fabric of reality back together as the concept, the character is torn dealing with this situation, and as your story progress go from telling their life up until dreaming and waking up to a nightmare.

After re-reading the story again it's a little bit more clear but could definitely need a solid edit and polishing to the quality of what I've seen from Master Rock in the past.

MVGT: @Etherwave. Somewhat similar topics, and altho I enjoyed Etherwaves direction/concept a bit more the imagery, flow and overall execution was better on Master Rock's verse imo. Spending a bit more time on the text as a whole from Etherwave, and fixing up the quality of life hiccups + playing more with rhymeschemes/internals/syllable lengths and this would have been a way easier vote. As it stands now Etherwave took out the more seasoned of the two, but the potential for improvement is huge. For both. Love mecha-shit in the right setting, so this was definitely an entertaining read and battle with great showing from both altho one left more to desire than the other.

[Mike Wrecka]

Not much to add this late in the voting window but wanted to commend Ether with the God creates man, man turns his back on god, man creates AI and then AI turns his back on man concept. Good take

[xDimand Emreldx]

To Sral, I need to UP my Post Count, so I would like to see if I could Vote on a Topical Battle
to show my Activeness.
Please don't Reject my Vote,
because I took the time to Read the Verses and I also need to UP my Post Count
and show my Activeness.
Also Sral, if you need a Battle Host or Chosen Voter, you can choose me.


Hot Etherwave Lines
1.) Cosmic crisis. You can call it karmic chaos. This loss of life. Our whole existence a crisis of conscience.
2.) Such a nuisance, the hubris of a human.
3.) Self saboteurs by nature. We didn't fall, we just never reached grace.

Dimand Emreld Comment: When, "Cosmic Crisis This loss of life" came in,
I thought I was under some sort of Year 3004 Apocalypse Sk!t.
Those 3 lines are Platnum.




Hot Master Rock Lines
1.)bioengineering society transcending into cybernetical fiends, the oracle once prophesied of the production of these things,
2.) confronted with a trinity of iron soldiers willing to fight for my fate forged in iron as the fires are at stake
3.) buildings crumble, the ground quakes
4.)mankind fighting for crumbs, as the logics at state; capitalize
5.)waging wars, smog in blood-red skies, the city torn from uprising the AI

Dimand Emreld Comment: Listen when, "2.) buildings crumble, the ground quakes"
When that came in, I felt the turbulence in my heart.
2 Platnum Lines 1.) and 3.)
Master Rock's lines are more liable to winning the Grammy Award.


Vote: Master Rock

[Mike Wrecka]

Originally Posted by xDimand Emreldx

To Sral, I need to UP my Post Count, so I would like to see if I could Vote on a Topical Battle
to show my Activeness.
Please don't Reject my Vote,
because I took the time to Read the Verses and I also need to UP my Post Count
and show my Activeness.
Also Sral, if you need a Battle Host or Chosen Voter, you can choose me.


Hot Etherwave Lines
1.) Cosmic crisis. You can call it karmic chaos. This loss of life. Our whole existence a crisis of conscience.
2.) Such a nuisance, the hubris of a human.
3.) Self saboteurs by nature. We didn't fall, we just never reached grace.

Dimand Emreld Comment: When, "Cosmic Crisis This loss of life" came in,
I thought I was under some sort of Year 3004 Apocalypse Sk!t.
Those 3 lines are Platnum.




Hot Master Rock Lines
1.)bioengineering society transcending into cybernetical fiends, the oracle once prophesied of the production of these things,
2.) confronted with a trinity of iron soldiers willing to fight for my fate forged in iron as the fires are at stake
3.) buildings crumble, the ground quakes
4.)mankind fighting for crumbs, as the logics at state; capitalize
5.)waging wars, smog in blood-red skies, the city torn from uprising the AI

Dimand Emreld Comment: Listen when, "2.) buildings crumble, the ground quakes"
When that came in, I felt the turbulence in my heart.
2 Platnum Lines
1.) and 3.) but his lines were a bit more Grammy Awardish.


Vote: Master Rock

AI bot voting on a battle about AI. We are all doomed

[Scar]

pretty cool battle, you both seem to be talking about the same thing. Etherwave piece seems to be a discertation on some form of pschological distortion dictating a dependency on mechanics. this line was cool

"We didn't fall, we just never reached grace"

Master ventured into some kind of Terminator mech apocalypse thing. it worked well with the picture but i think it failed in translating what was being said (a personal take) bout the concept. it was long and full of imagery but at the end of the day i didn't really didn't know wht was being translated.

master's my dude but this one goes to Etherwave. The verse was a bit more nuanced.

v/ Etherwave

[sral]

@Scar we’ve advanced past this round and are now into the semi-finals. If you could vote on those two instead we would appreciate it. Thanks for stopping by.

[Headless Verseman]

h