01-21-2023, 06:55 PM | #1 |
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XI WK VI: Eviction (1-1) vs. Universe (5-0) (UNIVERSE WINS)
Season 11 XI VERSES: Friday, January, 27th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion VOTES: Monday, January 30th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON! TOPIC:
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01-27-2023, 01:19 AM | #3 |
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verse provided by AI
In the wild, the big cat prowls Silent as the night, fierce and proud With eyes that gleam like golden fire He rules the land, his kingdom vast and dire His roar echoes through the trees A warning to all, to stay on their knees With muscles rippling beneath his skin He is the apex predator, the kingpin He stalks his prey with stealth and grace A hunter, a killer, a force to face But as the moon rises high in the sky He disappears into the night, a blur in the eye For he is the big cat, wild and free A symbol of power, a mystery In the wilderness, he reigns supreme Forever a part of nature's dream. In the wild, the big cat roams Through the savannah and the glooms With a coat that shimmers in the sun His presence, a sight to behold, never undone His paws tread lightly on the ground Not a single leaf or twig makes a sound His muscles ripple with every stride A force of nature, a sight to decide His eyes gleam like emeralds in the night A reflection of his wild, untamed might His roar echoes through the land A reminder to all of his command With every step, he leaves a trail Of fear and respect, a never-ending tale He is the lord of the wilderness The king of the beasts, in all its vastness But as the sun sets in the west He disappears into the shadows, to take his rest For he is the big cat, wild and free A symbol of power, a mystery In the wilderness, he will always be A reminder of nature's raw energy. hey AI write more and reveal he eats another big cat In the wild, the big cat strides Through the grasslands, with power and pride His coat shimmers in the dappled light A sight to behold, an awe-inspiring sight But beneath the beauty lies a beast A hunter, a killer, with a taste for the feast He stalks his prey with stealth and grace A master of death, in this wild place He hunts alone, a solitary king His roar echoes through the land, a warning ring But even among his own kind He reigns supreme, a ruler of the wild For he is the big cat, fierce and strong A predator, who can do no wrong But in this wilderness, nothing is sacred As he devours another big cat, a sacrifice to his savage But as the moon rises high in the sky He disappears into the night, a blur in the eye For he is the big cat, wild and free A symbol of power, a mystery In the wilderness, he will always be A reminder of nature's raw energy, a force to be feared and respected.
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01-27-2023, 11:17 PM | #4 | |
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C.O.U.G.A.R. - Birth of a Beast
“You are privy to a great becoming, but you recognize nothing. To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are an ant in the afterbirth. It is your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble. But, fear is not what you owe me... You owe me awe.” - Francis Dolarhyde ...... *verse provided by superior A.I. Age is just a number but I'll stick with the youngest cubs Courting Only Underage Guys At Random; I don't quit 'til the sun is up Lick where blood is pumped, hitting muscle I bit through the jugular Mum's the word, but the term 'cougar' comes from British Columbia (thanks, A.I.) Can't ignore invasive species when weak kittens are smothered As landlord I stay overseeing the eviction of others Who eat-in-the-bush like a scavenger that's on a mission I'm a path finder when stalking minions... 'Attacks hiker' like politicians Summer' offspring that fall in winter... I'm off and running If God loves ugly, this chubby warthog left me awfully hungry (be nice, A.I.) I'm a different breed, literally a litter of me is a pedigree A stalemate, in hindsight chasing tail left me in the weeds (less syllables plz) I'm a creature of habitat from the desert heat to the sea I'm living free, a-mountain to nothing and everything in between Knead a family tree, intrigued when parts are barely forming A slow release of pheromones and feces mark my territory A horde of beasts draw vermin up from down low I sometimes eat-insects yet can't talk dirty with my mouth closed (nope) I'm a solitary cat, if there's family reunions I never go Adolescents grow, to 'shoe' a Puma you have to make your presence known... As a stealthy predator I can sever and swallow your lymph nodes Then like porn when a midget blows, I'm watching ya imp-load (gross) Press 'pause' and limbs broke, tied off in ropes as I fled Be-stowing the rest, I just hope nobody spots the coats that I shed... They go for the neck, some even try from behind of course Vying for a paralyzed deformity with one lethal bite to the spinal cord My wild-life reformed, that which comes to a standstill's tame Rendering it immobile, it gets graphic with some handheld Game... (bang) It's strange a mountain lion a cougar and a panther's all the same If I'm left panting while I lay, you belong in the pantheon of greats Conservation through conversation, fearing that choice is an awful fate Kill you and your 'livestock', I'm hearing cat voices beyond the grave... (lame) Commonplace while on your range, I take from lawns with haste Then I'm on your face, stalking low on my legs like lingerie A modest gal on the prowl, ain't a problem finding a date Criticizing my shape? When trying the steak I'm often lying in wait... Climbing away, confined to a cage and never taking a bite High maintenance; Staying up late in the night is just a day in the life Training for fights, follow my lead, you know you're tailing me right? Out of sight, when things go off the rails no-entrails will suffice... (yikes) Ex-stinked like Sabertooth Tigers, those incantations passed An alias asks, 'Why take the path of a lowly snake in the grass?' Diseases 'contract', we earn it back but pre-fur the cash In odd amounts, claws come out if you can't come to terms with that A cougar is just a stat, a victim to horrific attacks Yellow eyes looking through you, it's the supervision I lacked Fruit forbidden from dad, a pet exiled from the rest A double standard, so in denial I trekked a mile every step Stylish and trendy like your father; it's been awhile since we met I smile with dentures, hiding dilemmas that's defying common sense As a child of incest I'm forever silent as a lamb Yet cuz of my sex they'll never see me as the pedophile that I am... (damn) Mom you accentuated my inhibitions, a strange empty definition To me C.O.U.G.A.R. stands for Can't Open Up or Gain Any Recognition Baring fangs and always hissing, interrupting the neighbors supper They would shudder like what would blot out their window panes with color Angels take me under their wing amongst rain and thunder They don't wonder why you always hate the dog days of summer... Satan was your ashtray, you were always led a-stray, encumbered A 'mother' with an 's' way in front - I got all blanket statements covered Thanks for smothering me bitch, or should I call you my pregnant lover? I earned the pain I suffered, it's like a cougar birthed a Dragon hunter You have nine lives... Strange enough you made eight with others... Age is just a number... But what am I gonna tell my baby brother? Hmm?
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01-28-2023, 10:13 AM | #5 |
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This is tough for me both rhyming Scheme
Both vs had deep meaning to topic Vote-Universe |
01-29-2023, 09:46 AM | #7 |
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eviction:
some beautiful words, the savana you dont hear about such beautiful scenery so loved that.. i love the story of the cat its very powerful im really enjoy its a very good story.. very pretty it didnt drift it was a solid story all the way through plus it had good thoughts in reference to art really set the tone.. thanks.. universe: i like the family values of how detailed your verse its already eclipsed eviction with such few lines by the time you dropped the reference to the name eviction/house ownership.. landlord.. dope.. i like how you showed the food intake section.. dope ending private message.. vote = universe just more detailed and enjoyable..
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01-29-2023, 10:12 AM | #8 |
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what a strange SWERvE
is this AI ? Am i being trolled ? is this two netcees displaying creative genius? will the future art form of lyricism no longer need a human brain to process the mechanics of the netcee?! hip hop controlled by machines that don't piss and shit ?! if this season couldn't become any more bizarre considering last weeks Montreal screw job against me with puniverse and vince mcfrank forming some form of alliance ...ill try my best to vote on these A.I verse Eviction - First off if u literally copy and pasted this whole thing with out adding anything other then a few words that's A DQ in my book ....if u added bits and pieces to form your story using the program at points it reads like a lyrical screenplay it lacks the darker emotional and impactful verbage you tend to use but none the less it's good for what it is nothing necessarily stands out but at times it tends to read deep yet feels soulless good story great imagery , I felt like i was walking with lions in the desert plains it needed more impact but it was a good read... Universe- I don't know if you also used a ai program or trolled but from reading your verse it has the typical universe style so if u copied and pasted this whole thing DQ props on keeping your character in with the A.I theme the aggressive pacing the world building and the slick little baby jabs at yours truly from the beating i gave you last week added to the subliminal humor a good writer can do that... you dropped alot of heat this season this one being my favorites it didn't have the nerdy aspect or the backpacker style cadence you somtimes use ...the versatility in this was on point your added depth of tension building mixed with the slick internals and sublimes made this the superior written in my opinion AI or not MVGT- UNIVERSE Last edited by brokenhal0; 01-29-2023 at 10:18 AM. |
01-30-2023, 02:45 PM | #9 | ||
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eh, AI is used as a supplement (like I believe Universe did).
eviction: sloppy, basic flow. rhymes missed, repetition is great IMO but not in this case. you shouldn't have relied on it in its entirety. Universe: strong as always, and you steadily do a good job of staying keyed in on the topic, despite transmuting the topic to what you want it to be. Quote:
Quote:
vote: Universe |
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02-02-2023, 04:28 AM | #10 |
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@Eviction
verse provided by AI Um, nice...input prompts/questions, I guess. Instant DQ - sorry. It's a writing contest. There were (for sure) some cool lines/phrases/rhymes/descriptions. And also a bunch of basic/trite lines too. Mixed bag. Overall? Impressive for a computer I thought. That's my two lines of feed for the AI engine. [&Before anyone says: "Pharaoh, you've rapped someone else's lyrics before."(once)...I contend that this is way different: 1)It was my first-ever warmup track/recording- to explore the world of audio. 2)It was done out of respect for the writer. 3)I gave writing credits in the links/title/descriptions. And finally, it was a rough recording for fun, NOT a topical writing contest.] Hope you/we all understand that I'm not being hypocritical. V/@Universe: [This is assuming your AI comments are mocking/spoofs and you wrote the thing yourself. Based on the writing I assume it's you.] Yeah...maybe you should go out on top. Really top-notch work here. Thought it was smooth, dope multies, good metaphor throughout, etc. Just so much better than last week. It really pained me to vote for you over @brokenhal0 last week...I thought he out-wrote you in parts AND I enjoyed his style more that week - BUT he just had such length w/ too much filler and inconsistency that it cost him. < Just thought I'd add that since you two can't seem to drop it, plus it was a tough vote, plus I'm comparing this new verse of yours to last week's Uni...as I said, so much better. CONSISTENCY Only like... ONE cringeworthy wordplay line: Diseases 'contract', we earn it back but pre-fur the cash It's just anti-dope to me. Shocks the system after reading line after line of dope. I'm aware there are other wordplays throughout. I didn't hate the other ones. Just say "prefer". Earlier, I'm a different breed, literally a litter of me is a pedigree A stalemate, in hindsight chasing tail left me in the weeds (less syllables plz) Thanks for critiquing your own shit. Yes, the line is imperfect by your standards. Want my suggestion here? My fucking...lol...un-intelligent, un-original, wikipedia-using, shitty-writing suggestion?!... You're gonna get it anyway. I highly suggest capitalizing or italicizing the word "in". That's the best quick-fix I got, and you know it works. IN the weeds / in the weeds... *Late edit: I've discovered it also works emphasizing the word "left" and then adjusting accordingly. Lol, Thus I guess it's okay to leave it alone and trust the reader. Do I have to explain why the wordplay in hindsight chasing tail is good/works there?: Because it's not fucking corny and doesn't change the "tone". Nice. Ex-stinked like Sabertooth Tigers Woops found another one. I'd rate this somewhere between the two described above...between bad and good. Sorry. I'll drop it and try to do more substantive analysis: I smile with dentures, hiding dilemmas that's defying common sense You fucking suck dude. How about "which defy" instead of "that's defying"? Plus it even works better on the rhyme with "awhile" above, since there's no -ing after the hard I vowel. Fucking fixed. & You're welcome. I'm confident in this one. The other ones are suggestions/ideas. As a child of incest I'm forever silent as a lamb Yet cuz of my sex they'll never see me as the pedophile that I am... Similar to your own critique above, I think that closer has too many syllables. You COULD...do a 1-off and stick that "Yet" on the top line. lamb, Yet or/ lamb. Yet, You COULD put some dashes @corleone/pharaoh style for the last three words: that-I-am It wouldn't look so perfect. Might look like a messy audio verse of mine. But it's just two lines. &...This doesn't fix the syllable problem but I'd probably use "see me for the pedophile that I am" instead of "as the pedophile that I am". I'd also probably spell it "fer", for flow/personal pronunciation purposes. THEN it's a messy pharaoh couplet. lol. These critiques/suggestions/nit-picks are out of RESPECT for you as a writer. Hope at least one strikes your fancy, or slightly improves a line. If not, that's fine too. Retiring for screenwriting Uni?!! Don't let the door hit ya on the way out. But on a serious note, I wish you success in your endeavors and hope you suprise us with a visit/verse some year. (Career) strengths:One of the best I've ever seen. Period. Point blank. weaknesses:"occasional" hubris. overuse of (sometimes) corny wordplay. over-reliance on movies/pop culture. over-use of extended metaphor [but usually pulls it off OK]. It was done well in this week's verse, one of your tightest yet. Peace. Thanks to both competitors for their submissions. but...Eviction where is the fun in not writing your own? Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 02-03-2023 at 12:07 AM. Reason: * |
02-02-2023, 11:10 PM | #11 |
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Vote: Universe due to Eviction's lazy AI verse.
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02-03-2023, 03:26 AM | #12 |
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Gonna have to go with eviction here
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