XI WK VI: Eviction (1-1) vs. Universe (5-0) (UNIVERSE WINS)
 

VERSES: Friday, January, 27th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Monday, January 30th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!


TOPIC:

XI
 

verse provided by AI

In the wild, the big cat prowls
Silent as the night, fierce and proud
With eyes that gleam like golden fire
He rules the land, his kingdom vast and dire

His roar echoes through the trees
A warning to all, to stay on their knees
With muscles rippling beneath his skin
He is the apex predator, the kingpin

He stalks his prey with stealth and grace
A hunter, a killer, a force to face
But as the moon rises high in the sky
He disappears into the night, a blur in the eye

For he is the big cat, wild and free
A symbol of power, a mystery
In the wilderness, he reigns supreme
Forever a part of nature's dream.

In the wild, the big cat roams
Through the savannah and the glooms
With a coat that shimmers in the sun
His presence, a sight to behold, never undone

His paws tread lightly on the ground
Not a single leaf or twig makes a sound
His muscles ripple with every stride
A force of nature, a sight to decide

His eyes gleam like emeralds in the night
A reflection of his wild, untamed might
His roar echoes through the land
A reminder to all of his command

With every step, he leaves a trail
Of fear and respect, a never-ending tale
He is the lord of the wilderness
The king of the beasts, in all its vastness

But as the sun sets in the west
He disappears into the shadows, to take his rest
For he is the big cat, wild and free
A symbol of power, a mystery

In the wilderness, he will always be
A reminder of nature's raw energy.

hey AI write more and reveal he eats another big cat

In the wild, the big cat strides
Through the grasslands, with power and pride
His coat shimmers in the dappled light
A sight to behold, an awe-inspiring sight

But beneath the beauty lies a beast
A hunter, a killer, with a taste for the feast
He stalks his prey with stealth and grace
A master of death, in this wild place

He hunts alone, a solitary king
His roar echoes through the land, a warning ring
But even among his own kind
He reigns supreme, a ruler of the wild

For he is the big cat, fierce and strong
A predator, who can do no wrong
But in this wilderness, nothing is sacred
As he devours another big cat, a sacrifice to his savage

But as the moon rises high in the sky
He disappears into the night, a blur in the eye
For he is the big cat, wild and free
A symbol of power, a mystery

In the wilderness, he will always be
A reminder of nature's raw energy, a force to be feared and respected.

C.O.U.G.A.R. - Birth of a Beast

“You are privy to a great becoming, but you recognize nothing. To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are an ant in the afterbirth. It is your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble. But, fear is not what you owe me... You owe me awe.” - Francis Dolarhyde

......

*verse provided by superior A.I.

Age is just a number but I'll stick with the youngest cubs
Courting Only Underage Guys At Random; I don't quit 'til the sun is up
Lick where blood is pumped, hitting muscle I bit through the jugular
Mum's the word, but the term 'cougar' comes from British Columbia (thanks, A.I.)
Can't ignore invasive species when weak kittens are smothered
As landlord I stay overseeing the eviction of others
Who eat-in-the-bush like a scavenger that's on a mission
I'm a path finder when stalking minions... 'Attacks hiker' like politicians
Summer' offspring that fall in winter... I'm off and running
If God loves ugly, this chubby warthog left me awfully hungry (be nice, A.I.)
I'm a different breed, literally a litter of me is a pedigree
A stalemate, in hindsight chasing tail left me in the weeds (less syllables plz)
I'm a creature of habitat from the desert heat to the sea
I'm living free, a-mountain to nothing and everything in between
Knead a family tree, intrigued when parts are barely forming
A slow release of pheromones and feces mark my territory
A horde of beasts draw vermin up from down low
I sometimes eat-insects yet can't talk dirty with my mouth closed (nope)
I'm a solitary cat, if there's family reunions I never go
Adolescents grow, to 'shoe' a Puma you have to make your presence known...
As a stealthy predator I can sever and swallow your lymph nodes
Then like porn when a midget blows, I'm watching ya imp-load (gross)
Press 'pause' and limbs broke, tied off in ropes as I fled
Be-stowing the rest, I just hope nobody spots the coats that I shed...
They go for the neck, some even try from behind of course
Vying for a paralyzed deformity with one lethal bite to the spinal cord
My wild-life reformed, that which comes to a standstill's tame
Rendering it immobile, it gets graphic with some handheld Game... (bang)
It's strange a mountain lion a cougar and a panther's all the same
If I'm left panting while I lay, you belong in the pantheon of greats
Conservation through conversation, fearing that choice is an awful fate
Kill you and your 'livestock', I'm hearing cat voices beyond the grave... (lame)
Commonplace while on your range, I take from lawns with haste
Then I'm on your face, stalking low on my legs like lingerie
A modest gal on the prowl, ain't a problem finding a date
Criticizing my shape? When trying the steak I'm often lying in wait...
Climbing away, confined to a cage and never taking a bite
High maintenance; Staying up late in the night is just a day in the life
Training for fights, follow my lead, you know you're tailing me right?
Out of sight, when things go off the rails no-entrails will suffice... (yikes)
Ex-stinked like Sabertooth Tigers, those incantations passed
An alias asks, 'Why take the path of a lowly snake in the grass?'
Diseases 'contract', we earn it back but pre-fur the cash
In odd amounts, claws come out if you can't come to terms with that
A cougar is just a stat, a victim to horrific attacks
Yellow eyes looking through you, it's the supervision I lacked
Fruit forbidden from dad, a pet exiled from the rest
A double standard, so in denial I trekked a mile every step
Stylish and trendy like your father; it's been awhile since we met
I smile with dentures, hiding dilemmas that's defying common sense
As a child of incest I'm forever silent as a lamb
Yet cuz of my sex they'll never see me as the pedophile that I am...

(damn)

Mom you accentuated my inhibitions, a strange empty definition
To me C.O.U.G.A.R. stands for Can't Open Up or Gain Any Recognition
Baring fangs and always hissing, interrupting the neighbors supper
They would shudder like what would blot out their window panes with color
Angels take me under their wing amongst rain and thunder
They don't wonder why you always hate the dog days of summer...
Satan was your ashtray, you were always led a-stray, encumbered
A 'mother' with an 's' way in front - I got all blanket statements covered
Thanks for smothering me bitch, or should I call you my pregnant lover?
I earned the pain I suffered, it's like a cougar birthed a Dragon hunter
You have nine lives... Strange enough you made eight with others...

Age is just a number...

But what am I gonna tell my baby brother?

Hmm?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4S4IBACQCM

This is tough for me both rhyming Scheme

Both vs had deep meaning to topic

Vote-Universe

XI
 

eviction:

some beautiful words, the savana you dont hear about such beautiful scenery so loved that.. i love the story of the cat its very powerful im really enjoy its a very good story.. very pretty it didnt drift it was a solid story all the way through plus it had good thoughts in reference to art really set the tone.. thanks..

universe:

i like the family values of how detailed your verse its already eclipsed eviction with such few lines by the time you dropped the reference to the name eviction/house ownership.. landlord.. dope.. i like how you showed the food intake section.. dope ending private message..

vote = universe

just more detailed and enjoyable..

what a strange SWERvE

is this AI ? Am i being trolled ? is this two netcees displaying creative genius?
will the future art form of lyricism no longer need a human brain to process
the mechanics of the netcee?! hip hop controlled by machines that don't piss and shit ?! if this season couldn't become any more bizarre considering last weeks Montreal screw job against me with puniverse and vince mcfrank forming some form of alliance ...ill try my best to vote on these A.I verse

Eviction - First off if u literally copy and pasted this whole thing with out adding
anything other then a few words that's A DQ in my book ....if u added bits and pieces to form your story using the program at points it reads like a lyrical screenplay it lacks the darker emotional and impactful verbage you tend to use
but none the less it's good for what it is nothing necessarily stands out but at
times it tends to read deep yet feels soulless good story great imagery , I felt like i was walking with lions in the desert plains it needed more impact but it was a good read...


Universe- I don't know if you also used a ai program or trolled
but from reading your verse it has the typical universe style
so if u copied and pasted this whole thing DQ
props on keeping your character in with the A.I theme the aggressive
pacing the world building and the slick little baby jabs at yours truly
from the beating i gave you last week added to the subliminal humor
a good writer can do that...
you dropped alot of heat this season this one being my favorites
it didn't have the nerdy aspect or the backpacker style cadence
you somtimes use ...the versatility in this was on point
your added depth of tension building mixed with the slick internals
and sublimes made this the superior written in my opinion AI or not

MVGT- UNIVERSE

eh, AI is used as a supplement (like I believe Universe did).

eviction: sloppy, basic flow. rhymes missed, repetition is great IMO but not in this case. you shouldn't have relied on it in its entirety.

Universe: strong as always, and you steadily do a good job of staying keyed in on the topic, despite transmuting the topic to what you want it to be.

lol
dope.

vote: Universe

@Eviction
verse provided by AI
Um, nice...input prompts/questions, I guess.
Instant DQ - sorry. It's a writing contest.
There were (for sure) some cool lines/phrases/rhymes/descriptions.
And also a bunch of basic/trite lines too. Mixed bag. Overall? Impressive for a computer I thought.
That's my two lines of feed for the AI engine.

[&Before anyone says:
"Pharaoh, you've rapped someone else's lyrics before."(once)...I contend that this is way different:
1)It was my first-ever warmup track/recording- to explore the world of audio. 2)It was done out of respect for the writer. 3)I gave writing credits in the links/title/descriptions. And finally, it was a rough recording for fun, NOT a topical writing contest.]
Hope you/we all understand that I'm not being hypocritical.

V/@Universe:
[This is assuming your AI comments are mocking/spoofs and you wrote the thing yourself. Based on the writing I assume it's you.]
Yeah...maybe you should go out on top.
Really top-notch work here. Thought it was smooth, dope multies, good metaphor throughout, etc. Just so much better than last week. It really pained me to vote for you over @brokenhal0 last week...I thought he out-wrote you in parts AND I enjoyed his style more that week - BUT he just had such length w/ too much filler and inconsistency that it cost him. < Just thought I'd add that since you two can't seem to drop it, plus it was a tough vote, plus I'm comparing this new verse of yours to last week's Uni...as I said, so much better.
CONSISTENCY
Only like... ONE cringeworthy wordplay line:
Diseases 'contract', we earn it back but pre-fur the cash
It's just anti-dope to me. Shocks the system after reading line after line of dope.
I'm aware there are other wordplays throughout. I didn't hate the other ones. Just say "prefer".

Earlier,
I'm a different breed, literally a litter of me is a pedigree
A stalemate, in hindsight chasing tail left me in the weeds (less syllables plz)
Thanks for critiquing your own shit. Yes, the line is imperfect by your standards.
Want my suggestion here? My fucking...lol...un-intelligent, un-original, wikipedia-using, shitty-writing suggestion?!...
You're gonna get it anyway. I highly suggest capitalizing or italicizing the word "in". That's the best quick-fix I got, and you know it works.
IN the weeds / in the weeds...
*Late edit: I've discovered it also works emphasizing the word "left" and then adjusting accordingly. Lol, Thus I guess it's okay to leave it alone and trust the reader.

Do I have to explain why the wordplay in hindsight chasing tail is good/works there?: Because it's not fucking corny and doesn't change the "tone". Nice.

Ex-stinked like Sabertooth Tigers
Woops found another one. I'd rate this somewhere between the two described above...between bad and good.
Sorry. I'll drop it and try to do more substantive analysis:

I smile with dentures, hiding dilemmas that's defying common sense
You fucking suck dude.
How about "which defy" instead of "that's defying"?
Plus it even works better on the rhyme with "awhile" above, since there's no -ing after the hard I vowel.
Fucking fixed. & You're welcome.
I'm confident in this one. The other ones are suggestions/ideas.

As a child of incest I'm forever silent as a lamb
Yet cuz of my sex they'll never see me as the pedophile that I am...
Similar to your own critique above, I think that closer has too many syllables.
You COULD...do a 1-off and stick that "Yet" on the top line. lamb, Yet or/ lamb. Yet,
You COULD put some dashes @corleone/pharaoh style for the last three words: that-I-am
It wouldn't look so perfect. Might look like a messy audio verse of mine. But it's just two lines.
&...This doesn't fix the syllable problem but I'd probably use "see me for the pedophile that I am" instead of "as the pedophile that I am". I'd also probably spell it "fer", for flow/personal pronunciation purposes. THEN it's a messy pharaoh couplet. lol.

These critiques/suggestions/nit-picks are out of RESPECT for you as a writer. Hope at least one strikes your fancy, or slightly improves a line. If not, that's fine too.

Retiring for screenwriting Uni?!! Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.
But on a serious note, I wish you success in your endeavors and hope you suprise us with a visit/verse some year.

(Career)
strengths:One of the best I've ever seen. Period. Point blank.
weaknesses:"occasional" hubris. overuse of (sometimes) corny wordplay. over-reliance on movies/pop culture. over-use of extended metaphor [but usually pulls it off OK]. It was done well in this week's verse, one of your tightest yet.

Peace.

Thanks to both competitors for their submissions.
but...Eviction where is the fun in not writing your own?

Vote: Universe due to Eviction's lazy AI verse.

Gonna have to go with eviction here

XI