XI WK II: Quill (1-0) vs. sral (1-0) (SRAL WINS 5-2)

Universe · 12-13-2022, 09:44 PM

Quill:

This is such an engaging story. Technically, it's just like last weeks - Fairly simplistic yet CLEAN and easy to read. Nothing too crazy but man I appreciate how smooth it is to read your verses. It's actually a pleasure, not as much of a "chore" as with more technically advanced pieces. Don't get me wrong, I love and prefer those but there's just something nice about not having to worry about finding hidden multis. This is a breath of fresh autumn air and it feels good.

Anyway, back to the story... Cool set ups to establish the atmosphere and the 'camping/hunting trip buddy vibe'. It was all fairly ho hum until the cell phone came out with the pics of our antagonist with his best friends wife... always savage lol (but fun...) ...Loved the dialogue here of his buddy giving him shit and the idea that he is playing the slow game to expose him; Luring him out into the woods and then dropping the bomb on him. This section is when it also picked up technically a lot. The flow was butter throughout but this section really shined (Although you misspelled "aggression") and you carried through to the end, only stumbling ON THE FINAL LINE, which was unfortunate... "ground was all mushy" connected to "hounds overtook me" just seemed a little bit stretched for my liking... and stood out because it's how it ended. But even still, this was a impressive show considering how quick you dropped and had a really cool narrative, but it needed and deserved more lines and more interesting twists and turns and just... more.

I wanted more because I loved it, in the end.

Great work.

Diablo:

First of all thank you for the kind words and the in depth review of my verse. I agree with everything you said.... Nothing is more frustrating than people who say they don't like your verse or that it's not any good technically and I'm like, "Um, did you... did you not see what I did there?" And as to your point - I don't think they do. In order to see it, you have to almost be able to do it... and apart from you, myself and maybe 1 or 2 others, there's no one who builds a verse with multi's and interior rhyme schemes like us. The subtly is the key and if it's done right... you won't notice it unless you look.

Thank you for looking.

Okay so, you did a very Lars thing here in making a story out of a dog metaphor but this worked much better than say, your goose metaphor. It was more of a grown up tale, a little less tongue and cheek and allowed for some more wiggle room... (See what i did there? Sorry)... Some heavy handedness still reared its ugly head (I can't stop) but overall this was as good as one is going to do with this style and, to echo sentiments back at you... Your interior multi's were fun and impressive. The way you connect multi's through the first syllables of the final word is something I love to do as well,. as it opens the door to more options that the laymen would never think of.

You have the obvious ones, which are fantastic:

"I hear every soul sapping slurp he can squeeze in his stomach
as the flea-bitten glutton greedily tucks in and leaves me with nothing."

And the ones only some notice:

"I brought my legs up to my waist before bounding toward our guest
The door lock trembled, it’s key turning as slowly as your former friend."

The "door lock trem--" connecting to the " former friend^ is a prime example, and your verse was littered with these connections and I always enjoy finding them.

A couple times I had to double back and make sure something actually rhymed though, but I always try to take into account your accent and in doing so, it works lol. Just something I noticed.

Great work as always.

So an awesome read from both... Quill with the story and flow edge and Lars with the more technically proficient piece with metaphors laced throughout. I just think awarding the simple story the victory is not something I'm willing to do anymore, especially when put up against a monster of technique. I know the work it takes to pull that off and I know how much less time it took Quill to do his... and although impressive, I can't say that verse is better just because it was more pleasing to read. There's something to be said about re-reading a verse twice and finding new things in it... I read Quill's once and loved it but I know I won't find anything I missed the first time.

Super close to me but I'm going with Diablo.

12-13-2022, 09:44 PM	#9
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Quill: This is such an engaging story. Technically, it's just like last weeks - Fairly simplistic yet CLEAN and easy to read. Nothing too crazy but man I appreciate how smooth it is to read your verses. It's actually a pleasure, not as much of a "chore" as with more technically advanced pieces. Don't get me wrong, I love and prefer those but there's just something nice about not having to worry about finding hidden multis. This is a breath of fresh autumn air and it feels good. Anyway, back to the story... Cool set ups to establish the atmosphere and the 'camping/hunting trip buddy vibe'. It was all fairly ho hum until the cell phone came out with the pics of our antagonist with his best friends wife... always savage lol (but fun...) ...Loved the dialogue here of his buddy giving him shit and the idea that he is playing the slow game to expose him; Luring him out into the woods and then dropping the bomb on him. This section is when it also picked up technically a lot. The flow was butter throughout but this section really shined (Although you misspelled "aggression") and you carried through to the end, only stumbling ON THE FINAL LINE, which was unfortunate... "ground was all mushy" connected to "hounds overtook me" just seemed a little bit stretched for my liking... and stood out because it's how it ended. But even still, this was a impressive show considering how quick you dropped and had a really cool narrative, but it needed and deserved more lines and more interesting twists and turns and just... more. I wanted more because I loved it, in the end. Great work. Diablo: First of all thank you for the kind words and the in depth review of my verse. I agree with everything you said.... Nothing is more frustrating than people who say they don't like your verse or that it's not any good technically and I'm like, "Um, did you... did you not see what I did there?" And as to your point - I don't think they do. In order to see it, you have to almost be able to do it... and apart from you, myself and maybe 1 or 2 others, there's no one who builds a verse with multi's and interior rhyme schemes like us. The subtly is the key and if it's done right... you won't notice it unless you look. Thank you for looking. Okay so, you did a very Lars thing here in making a story out of a dog metaphor but this worked much better than say, your goose metaphor. It was more of a grown up tale, a little less tongue and cheek and allowed for some more wiggle room... (See what i did there? Sorry)... Some heavy handedness still reared its ugly head (I can't stop) but overall this was as good as one is going to do with this style and, to echo sentiments back at you... Your interior multi's were fun and impressive. The way you connect multi's through the first syllables of the final word is something I love to do as well,. as it opens the door to more options that the laymen would never think of. You have the obvious ones, which are fantastic: "I hear every soul sapping slurp he can squeeze in his stomach as the flea-bitten glutton greedily tucks in and leaves me with nothing." And the ones only some notice: "I brought my legs up to my waist before bounding toward our guest The door lock trembled, it’s key turning as slowly as your former friend." The "door lock trem--" connecting to the " former friend^ is a prime example, and your verse was littered with these connections and I always enjoy finding them. A couple times I had to double back and make sure something actually rhymed though, but I always try to take into account your accent and in doing so, it works lol. Just something I noticed. Great work as always. So an awesome read from both... Quill with the story and flow edge and Lars with the more technically proficient piece with metaphors laced throughout. I just think awarding the simple story the victory is not something I'm willing to do anymore, especially when put up against a monster of technique. I know the work it takes to pull that off and I know how much less time it took Quill to do his... and although impressive, I can't say that verse is better just because it was more pleasing to read. There's something to be said about re-reading a verse twice and finding new things in it... I read Quill's once and loved it but I know I won't find anything I missed the first time. Super close to me but I'm going with Diablo. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..