WEEK FIFTEEN: MIKE WRECKA (3-2) vs RAWN MD (1-1) MIKE WRECKA WINS 4-2

dead man · 08-06-2022, 03:03 PM

Rawn, at first read i liked it. pacing is good. well stated for the most part. i took a second closer read and i mean, it kind of falls apart in spots.

some odd phrasing here and there. proof of bees.

states Rays up - is this a wordplay? something about the sun? jockying Plaice? idk.

bread baskets to stealing flour, sick

The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed
radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead

RAW

and yea. post apoc, cat scratch fever. i liked your interpretation. you could have integrated some more verb-heavy descriptors. with real active pictures like this i'd be looking for more active language.

great effort though

WRECKA,

the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice

i lol'd irl

was thrown off by the formatting for a second, but actually really got into it after a few lines. its clear, and clever, and very well formulated writing. i think i liked it so much because it reminded me of a vintage zygote sort of verse. to a [lesser] degree.

premise was simple and clean and i liked your slow descent into rekt. like rawn, extremely well paced creative and entertaining.

there's some snafus for sure.

shit like, "avoid their like", that reads like some ESL indian jeet shit

there were plenty of lines, that i PERSONALLY would have worded far differently but kept the exact sort of content in them. if that makes sense. its a skeletal issue. not a meat-n-bones situation at all. at the same time, personality really comes through in your word choice. so its not that simple i guess. i particularly enjoyed your placing of the nano-cancer-robot to ground us in the future. it was subtle and very good.

smoking, among the most pleasurable suicides

vote is mike wrecka

08-06-2022, 03:03 PM	#10
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	Rawn, at first read i liked it. pacing is good. well stated for the most part. i took a second closer read and i mean, it kind of falls apart in spots. some odd phrasing here and there. proof of bees. states Rays up - is this a wordplay? something about the sun? jockying Plaice? idk. bread baskets to stealing flour, sick The sun broils skin quicker than a snake can shed radioactive, radio agent, radio station, radios dead RAW and yea. post apoc, cat scratch fever. i liked your interpretation. you could have integrated some more verb-heavy descriptors. with real active pictures like this i'd be looking for more active language. great effort though WRECKA, the fact that I’m bereft and devoid of life, annoys customers as they use chopsticks to enjoy their rice i lol'd irl was thrown off by the formatting for a second, but actually really got into it after a few lines. its clear, and clever, and very well formulated writing. i think i liked it so much because it reminded me of a vintage zygote sort of verse. to a [lesser] degree. premise was simple and clean and i liked your slow descent into rekt. like rawn, extremely well paced creative and entertaining. there's some snafus for sure. shit like, "avoid their like", that reads like some ESL indian jeet shit there were plenty of lines, that i PERSONALLY would have worded far differently but kept the exact sort of content in them. if that makes sense. its a skeletal issue. not a meat-n-bones situation at all. at the same time, personality really comes through in your word choice. so its not that simple i guess. i particularly enjoyed your placing of the nano-cancer-robot to ground us in the future. it was subtle and very good. smoking, among the most pleasurable suicides vote is mike wrecka __________________ Zack Wicks for president