WEEK THREE: MASTER ROCK (1-1) vs OBJECTIVE (1-1) MASTER ROCK WINS 4-0

Dominate · 04-12-2022, 10:44 AM

OK so here we've got a disabled girl looking at a giant painting of a mushroom cloud, probably inside a museum. The picture is interesting but nothing immediately jumps out at me as an idea to write about. Idk what I'd do with this one. Let's see what you guys did.

MR - OK before I get into this I need to get one thing off my chest here which is that I fucking hate your font choice. The good old default verdana size 10 is all you or anyone else ever needs but even if you DID have to change it, this one is too BIG and I DON'T LIKE READING IT. I have literally just copied your verse into a word document on my laptop and changed the font back to verdana 10 to read through it. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Alright, I've calmed down now. I like how this opens and where it's headed. Appraising the art through the eyes of this character. Cool enough take. "Let me fall into this existence" and "prisoner inside the chimera" were dope lines that captured the essence of that idea well. Some nice imagery and turns of phrase. The direction the verse took into your character being determined to overcome her struggles was cool. A couple of grammatical/wording hiccups such as -
"realities stream" I think you meant "reality's stream"?
"witnessed its expand" I think you meant "witnessed its expanse"?
I'd like to see more multisyllabic rhymes from you. That's just my preference though, maybe you're going for more of a str8 poemz vibe and that's fine. Good stuff man, enjoyed the read.

Objective - you quickly develop both your central idea and this character in the first stanza with some great descriptors - "balances the weight of what's missing on one leg" was dope. BUT, you had a lot of grammatical errors here in the opening which were very jarring to me. Maybe you wrote this quickly and had no time to edit? They were so dense I actually questioned whether it was intentional, especially bc all the mistakes here were a case of missing an s. But if it was intentional I don't get the reason for it ...

Humanity's stench devours souls and hearts,
but Alice's kindness stands firm & refuses to take part.
She balances the weight of what's missing on one leg,

Weird.

Moving on, the next section (pits of earth--> gift of birth) had none of those grammatical errors, yay. Nice rhymes and flow. I'm not 100% clear on what you're saying here but the general theme of "humanity devours" shines through. "Turned their richest worth to mists of dirt" was good. Then as the verse goes on it has me thinking Alice is not an actual person but rather our innate sense of goodness, the voice in our head that tells us what the right thing to do is, etc. Not sure if I read that right. I like that idea though - with that 'entity' being disabled, leading to humanity making all these poor choices. But "Alice" is still there, facing this darkness with us. Cool. "Mushroom clouded opinions" was a very nice turn of phrase. Thanks for the read.

Enjoyed MR's piece a little more this week. Voting for him.

04-12-2022, 10:44 AM	#9
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,533 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197460	OK so here we've got a disabled girl looking at a giant painting of a mushroom cloud, probably inside a museum. The picture is interesting but nothing immediately jumps out at me as an idea to write about. Idk what I'd do with this one. Let's see what you guys did. MR - OK before I get into this I need to get one thing off my chest here which is that I fucking hate your font choice. The good old default verdana size 10 is all you or anyone else ever needs but even if you DID have to change it, this one is too BIG and I DON'T LIKE READING IT. I have literally just copied your verse into a word document on my laptop and changed the font back to verdana 10 to read through it. YOU'RE WELCOME. Alright, I've calmed down now. I like how this opens and where it's headed. Appraising the art through the eyes of this character. Cool enough take. "Let me fall into this existence" and "prisoner inside the chimera" were dope lines that captured the essence of that idea well. Some nice imagery and turns of phrase. The direction the verse took into your character being determined to overcome her struggles was cool. A couple of grammatical/wording hiccups such as - "realities stream" I think you meant "reality's stream"? "witnessed its expand" I think you meant "witnessed its expanse"? I'd like to see more multisyllabic rhymes from you. That's just my preference though, maybe you're going for more of a str8 poemz vibe and that's fine. Good stuff man, enjoyed the read. Objective - you quickly develop both your central idea and this character in the first stanza with some great descriptors - "balances the weight of what's missing on one leg" was dope. BUT, you had a lot of grammatical errors here in the opening which were very jarring to me. Maybe you wrote this quickly and had no time to edit? They were so dense I actually questioned whether it was intentional, especially bc all the mistakes here were a case of missing an s. But if it was intentional I don't get the reason for it ... Humanity's stench devours souls and hearts, but Alice's kindness stands firm & refuses to take part. She balances the weight of what's missing on one leg, Weird. Moving on, the next section (pits of earth--> gift of birth) had none of those grammatical errors, yay. Nice rhymes and flow. I'm not 100% clear on what you're saying here but the general theme of "humanity devours" shines through. "Turned their richest worth to mists of dirt" was good. Then as the verse goes on it has me thinking Alice is not an actual person but rather our innate sense of goodness, the voice in our head that tells us what the right thing to do is, etc. Not sure if I read that right. I like that idea though - with that 'entity' being disabled, leading to humanity making all these poor choices. But "Alice" is still there, facing this darkness with us. Cool. "Mushroom clouded opinions" was a very nice turn of phrase. Thanks for the read. Enjoyed MR's piece a little more this week. Voting for him. __________________ The Bad Guys Last edited by Dominate; 04-12-2022 at 10:49 AM.