WEEK THREE: MASTER ROCK (1-1) vs OBJECTIVE (1-1) MASTER ROCK WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK THREE

Verse Due: SATURDAY APRIL 9TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

[Objective]

Yessir!

[Master Rock]

Check

[Master Rock]

Brush strokes
a painted dimension brilliantly provoked
now I'm hypnotized by the scene
just let me fall into this existence of a clouded dream
yet I'm unable to explain
but the art whispers to me
and judges, not my pain
nor my sickening disabling constrains
I'm terrorized by the deepening of realities stream
running the transmission,
what is it that I have to give to unexpectedly receive?
my reprieve, I'm a prisoner merrily inside of the chimera's
ream, please help the phantom syndrome is leaving me unfelt
it seems as though my screams are a common theme
reruns cycling over through my program
my crutch is baring the parts of who I am
but I fall into the skyline visions blurred
The rumble of the ocean as the fabric of space and time spurs
the heavens tear the clouds apart
wheels in the sky are on fire majestically a crafted art
the glory of the divine life stairways to heaven they hark
I hear, now am jolted by a spark
unexpected trouble is the waters I swam dark
I felt the hollow hands pull and attempt to break my spirit while I strive for drylands
of blessed wisdom,
I have trudged through the valley of shadow and death and witnessed its expand
that hostile villain...
dividing the weight into worries and faith
spilling...
I tip the scale and discovered my fate
I will not fall apart during my opportunity as its knocks
down doors and I push through fighting to the death and I won't stop
my purpose is driven whether a crash or burn
my circumstances don't define me or what you may have adjourned
I'll stand grounded with my spirit firm, it's greater than any struggle I won't buckle,
even if I fall or stumble, believe I will never crumble
crawling my way out victoriously humble I can't be broken
I'll just sit at my destination parked waiting for heaven to open

[Objective]

Lose Everything but Yourself

Humanity's stench devour souls and hearts,
but Alice' kindness stand firm & refuse to take part.
She balance the weight of what's missing on one leg,
it's further stabilized by crutches of equal length.

Her strength has traveled the deepest pits of earth,
observed bursts of wits emerge that turned their richest worth
to mists of dirt.
Moved by greed their wounds won't heal or lift its curse,
she knows to witness worse is called the gift of birth.

Her burden is NOT escaping the truth,
but sworn to see its urgency through
love and compassion-
as your inner dialogues' muse.
She advice taking action,
but also to ration a portion for you.
Thus,
questioning the purpose of man:

"What's your currency?"

This history of sanity spent salvaging wealth
prepared and helped Alice to manage her health.
She powered through cards the Devil has dealt
and fought evolution 'till its survival was felt.

Her adversary is destruction and extinction of self,
mushroom clouded opinions your leaders will sell.
The pain and discomfort is easy to tell...

Just know that she stands in a room,
and face it as well.

[Candy]

master rock:
this piece mad me cry it was so beautifully sad.. your worked the topic to fine precision the story was beyond solid with such a soldi structure you get held within it the whole way.. n it was really just that sound that this person is in soo much pain but still had so much hope was just so touching.. dope piece..

obj:
yours was alot darker but for character development you got more personal with a lot less effort.. was a little less pretty then masters but still so touching due to emotion but both your description was on point.. i loved your relation to the character it was def deep.. the story itself was all there i was more relation to your verse enteriing this seeing the topic.. structure flow dope.. all in all cool piece..

vote = master rock

just a lil more touching i loved how you both had similar relations from one topic usually i hate but you both brought up the pain of the crutch - nice one guys xoxo gl

[brokenhal0]

Vote - Master Rock

Master rock this is a different style then im use to seeing from you , the extra effort and change of 'feel' definitely added to the impact the story was fleshed out and on point very smooth stylish writing ..Obj - i feel like if you put in a little bit more effort and added some more meat to the bones you would have won this topical
the skills are there but it's noticeable that you put this one together quick still a solid piece..Masterocks execution and delivery won him my vote

[Universe]

Master Rock:

Really cool beginning. "Let me fall into this existence of a clouded dream"... Like you're asking the picture to take you away and tell you the story it's trying to tell. The internal torment of this girl's disability really shines through as we go along - We are inside her head and, as she is trying to lose herself in the art before her, all she is actually doing is drawing comparisons to herself and her reality, which she can't escape... no matter how much she wants to. I love this narrative and its deep as fuck.

"I'm terrorized by the deepening of realities stream
running the transmission,
what is it that I have to give to unexpectedly receive?
my reprieve, I'm a prisoner merrily inside of the chimera's
ream, please help the phantom syndrome is leaving me unfelt
it seems as though my screams are a common theme"

- So good.

After that, I felt the imagery held up until near the end of the piece and it all kind of fell apart for me. The "crumble, humble, stumble" section at the end was noticeably bad after the really tremendous material before it. I wish it wasn't there... But, that said, your ending line summed things up nicely and was able to salvage it for the most part.

Objective:

Yeah... not really sure what happened here. But this is about as watered down as I've seen Objective in some time. Minimal effort was given here and it showed.

Rhyme schemes were basic with some grammatical flaws. Bad word choices... really lacking the depth I'm used to seeing from him.

This should've been a topic you fucking destroyed too... I honestly saw the pic and thought Master Rock was in trouble.

I guess not.

Hope things are ok.

Vote: Master Rock

[Dominate]

OK so here we've got a disabled girl looking at a giant painting of a mushroom cloud, probably inside a museum. The picture is interesting but nothing immediately jumps out at me as an idea to write about. Idk what I'd do with this one. Let's see what you guys did.


MR - OK before I get into this I need to get one thing off my chest here which is that I fucking hate your font choice. The good old default verdana size 10 is all you or anyone else ever needs but even if you DID have to change it, this one is too BIG and I DON'T LIKE READING IT. I have literally just copied your verse into a word document on my laptop and changed the font back to verdana 10 to read through it. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Alright, I've calmed down now. I like how this opens and where it's headed. Appraising the art through the eyes of this character. Cool enough take. "Let me fall into this existence" and "prisoner inside the chimera" were dope lines that captured the essence of that idea well. Some nice imagery and turns of phrase. The direction the verse took into your character being determined to overcome her struggles was cool. A couple of grammatical/wording hiccups such as -
"realities stream" I think you meant "reality's stream"?
"witnessed its expand" I think you meant "witnessed its expanse"?
I'd like to see more multisyllabic rhymes from you. That's just my preference though, maybe you're going for more of a str8 poemz vibe and that's fine. Good stuff man, enjoyed the read.


Objective - you quickly develop both your central idea and this character in the first stanza with some great descriptors - "balances the weight of what's missing on one leg" was dope. BUT, you had a lot of grammatical errors here in the opening which were very jarring to me. Maybe you wrote this quickly and had no time to edit? They were so dense I actually questioned whether it was intentional, especially bc all the mistakes here were a case of missing an s. But if it was intentional I don't get the reason for it ...

Humanity's stench devours souls and hearts,
but Alice's kindness stands firm & refuses to take part.
She balances the weight of what's missing on one leg,

Weird.

Moving on, the next section (pits of earth--> gift of birth) had none of those grammatical errors, yay. Nice rhymes and flow. I'm not 100% clear on what you're saying here but the general theme of "humanity devours" shines through. "Turned their richest worth to mists of dirt" was good. Then as the verse goes on it has me thinking Alice is not an actual person but rather our innate sense of goodness, the voice in our head that tells us what the right thing to do is, etc. Not sure if I read that right. I like that idea though - with that 'entity' being disabled, leading to humanity making all these poor choices. But "Alice" is still there, facing this darkness with us. Cool. "Mushroom clouded opinions" was a very nice turn of phrase. Thanks for the read.


Enjoyed MR's piece a little more this week. Voting for him.