WEEK TWO: ADONIS (1-0) vs BROKENHAL0 (1-0) HAL0 WINS 4-0

[Objective]

First off... What a topic! Loving the pics this week.

Brokenhal0: First stanza is dope to me but goddamn, at least some form of punctuation would have been great to see... Cus that's one hell of a long sentence to read through even if line breaks are supposed to help me out.

I sell there kids ice cream and talk with the single mothers about nice things
^Don't you mean "I sell THEIR kids ice cream..."? I know, nitpicking... But besides punctuation I got nothing to really say about the rest cus it's just dope af to me as is. However, typos like "their" stop me in my track and breaks the flow up, making me re-read what you mean. It's a tiny detail that may detract from the overall feel of the verse, stuff like this may play a role in extremely close battles. Not that I think you don't know this but I'm upfront about what I see regardless.

or even days.
^Holy shit, a period in the middle of a stanza. Man, the concept of your piece is dope tbh, it's inspiring to read this verse but seeing punctuation would have made it go from solid to dope af.

A artist who tears apart every piece of art that he's wished
^AN artist (From google: If there is a consonant sound, “a” is used. The word art is a singular noun and starts with a vowel sound. so, it should have the article 'an' before it.)

Man, I don't got much else to critique in your verse, so it boils down to grammar stuff like punctuation, "an" and "their" etc.

Dope closure as well. Overall enjoyed your piece this week. Punctuation and proper grammar would help a lot tho. Besides of that, good stuff. Enjoyed the imagery and concept pertaining to the topic given, internal rhymes and flow that was easy to follow as well. You got "stretched" lines but they didn't feel like they were long at all. A lengthy piece that I didn't want to end tbh cus your way with words is dope to follow/read.

Adonis: Been looking forward to read your stuff and happy to see you in here.

Life began with a key, the bolted door is now free
Unlocked potential potentially flowing through calligraphy
But this story began with a rookie thumbing at words
Not gifted in verse, in fact, he was stumbling at first
catching L after L, still, his votes were superb
Well read between lines, learned to slowly, manipulate verbs
^Yo, a story about writer? Dope concept, I'm digging this.

Got to be honest tho, the immersion broke once you started talking about writers on the site tho. As an extra effect I think it would have been a bit more relatable if you refrained from names, cus then people could make their own connections to the story at hand while you lay out the story and path of a writer striving for greatness.

As a whole tho... This was an awesome read, would have loved to see it in the OM-section. In a topical battle it broke the 4th wall a little bit too much.

Solid verse with a bold concept that unfortunately didn't hit that well for me in this format.

Vote: brokenhal0. But damn, overall this battle was an enjoyable and fun read from beginning to end. Both writers brought their own set of heat and show they can write.