DL round 1 (Universe vs Smod of War)-Universe Wins

Pharaohs Army · 08-20-2021, 01:04 AM

smod of war:

This seemed scattered. You have an opening couplet, followed by some battle bars with a gay prison line, followed by a verse that calls out universe and also has a reference to candy's signature.

If you're zelph, I know you can write. You are a good battler, and I'm sure if you TRIED could be decent at topicals. So next time make something good.

v/ universe:

You won this one, but on first glance it appears you copied M Night's 'Old' and also referenced a previous Nazi verse of yours?

Your piece didn't do much for me. I mean, good multi rhymes and a lot of dialogue (which is not easy), but I don't know. I guess you lost me on the plot. I'm usually not a dense reader but here? It's an old woman reminiscing, then copying Old on a beach scene where everyone is aging in terrifying ways, then back to the hospital where the Dr. is M Night Shamalan and also a reference to Sophie from your previous works?

Enough for the W here and your technical ability is always there.
Seems like you got a little too cute though. Out-clevered yourself. Simplify your next story a bit but keep that tension and twist.

Have you ever heard of the rapper Sicknature?
Your writing style reminds me of him, with emphasis on the multis.

08-20-2021, 01:04 AM	#7
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	smod of war: This seemed scattered. You have an opening couplet, followed by some battle bars with a gay prison line, followed by a verse that calls out universe and also has a reference to candy's signature. If you're zelph, I know you can write. You are a good battler, and I'm sure if you TRIED could be decent at topicals. So next time make something good. v/ universe: You won this one, but on first glance it appears you copied M Night's 'Old' and also referenced a previous Nazi verse of yours? Your piece didn't do much for me. I mean, good multi rhymes and a lot of dialogue (which is not easy), but I don't know. I guess you lost me on the plot. I'm usually not a dense reader but here? It's an old woman reminiscing, then copying Old on a beach scene where everyone is aging in terrifying ways, then back to the hospital where the Dr. is M Night Shamalan and also a reference to Sophie from your previous works? Enough for the W here and your technical ability is always there. Seems like you got a little too cute though. Out-clevered yourself. Simplify your next story a bit but keep that tension and twist. Have you ever heard of the rapper Sicknature? Your writing style reminds me of him, with emphasis on the multis.