WEEK 7: Universe vs Clutbuck LARS WINS

Inno · 05-05-2020, 02:09 PM

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Universe @Clutbuck

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

Universe · 05-05-2020, 02:38 PM

The topic is the picture above, Lars ^^^^^^... in case you were wondering...

Check.

Clutbuck · 05-05-2020, 03:22 PM

“Mama-Mia!” Mario moans. The arthritic ache as he stands
a bigger pain in the ass than Bowser was in days of his past.
Hair grey as the castle walls, only now it’s weeds he attends
each year is a level up, but at 8-4 he’s nearing his end.
The plumbers peach of a pension plan replaced his consort
once he gave up on always trying to chase a lost cause.
He never gained his top score, didn’t have the heart to ask,
and unrequited love’s as hard to handle as Piranha Plants.
So garden landscaping’s become his only option for now
watching their stout aspirations grow, then chopping them down.
There’s solace somehow in the serrated-edge of his scissors
a sense of fulfilment in decapitating the heads of his victims.
Each petal depicted the delicate visage he harboured so long
and yet its stems were as twisted and barbed as her tongue.
The gardening goomba attacks the bloom as it blossoms
pruning it often but never tackling the root of his problem.
It’s perfumery pollinates the wanton wind as it blows
tickling his nose like shaven-moustache whiskers of old.
The scissors he slowly squeezes signal his sanity
slipping from the fingers as gradually as his grip on reality.
Stygian shadows reach out tenebrous tendrils that hope
to envelop him whole and permeate the depths of his soul.
The ever-encroaching evil places death within his sights
with our hero remembering that time was never on his side.
The enemy invites him to a land far, far away for adventure
and gamely he enters the Final Stage of... dementia.

Universe · 05-08-2020, 04:43 AM

Intermission

Inter - place (a corpse) in a grave or tomb, typically with funeral rites.

Mission - an important assignment carried out for political, religious, or commercial purposes, typically involving travel.

......

There once was a disease ridden worm... Is there even a term that could flatter?
Sorry I had to desert my chapters to handle this personal matter
He's clearly holding on to his dreams, it's not easy being this kid
With therapy most people get over their demons, but he never did
Grew up to be a little prick, in the end he would be drenched in blood
The reason he looked up to me was the reason he could never step above
He confessed his love; I said "It takes heart to fix your blunders son"
"You already got two in the bucket... Sure you want to snip another one?"
He muttered something intelligible, then finally he brazenly spoke
"I LOVE the heart that you've shown, may I cut it off and make it my own?"
I said "Sure bud take it right home... You'll get better with practise"
(I didn't have the heart to inform him that his scissors were plastic)
That'd trigger a snap in his brain, sounds eventually denigrate
But you need to exorcise those demons mate, now let me demonstrate
Hell, even Satan had an opportunity to knock on Heaven's gate
Scissors aimed, he stabbed me in the back then promptly stepped away
I exclaimed "Are you insane!? I guard secrets to avoid all this hell!"
"The secret garden well is where I poignantly dwell!" (That's when he soiled himself)
It seemed slightly disjointed as well, but I chuckled at his repeated cries
He screamed at me, "if I turn a blind eye you'll try to eat me alive!"
"Nah, I want you to SEE your demise"; He shouted vile thoughts and spouted lies
So I let him bust out his tiny scissors and cut me down to size… (Why?)
Sacrificing yourself for your art leaves a little note in its wake
When he tore out the root of the problem there was an envelope in its place
Should've seen the look on his face... It was everything I never got to vent
The letterhead was written in red pen, it said 'Letter to a Friend'...

He ripped it open and read...

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143124

Sorry if I went over the line (limit)... He can count bars until the end
But I pulled it off in a different thread, looks like I outsmarted him again
I warned him that everything's connected; Now watch him let out a pathetic cry
I'll laugh and just reply, "Don't sweat it big guy, you'll get 'em next time..."

*wink and the gun*

Buh bye.

Scar · 05-08-2020, 12:45 PM

Oh man, well this is definitely another botw contender for sure!

Lars, this was awesome. I really appreciate your style of writing. There’s a simplicity in its complexity - or is it complexity in its simplicity. Its hard to explain but the diction is very accessible. There are figurative language used but its not in an in your face kind of way, its more subtle. The simplicity here was in the framing which was a fan fiction of the mario lore. Here we see mario, now an aging relic not unlike Batman’s Dark Knight Return - not the movie but the comic which was about a restless and retired batman, living the rest of his days in mundanity. The best part was the subtext of it. Its really about Mario's true nature: the adventure, the fights, the battles. We see this as tendencies creep in while he's doing your normal 84 years old routine lulz;’ The verse was really a simple concept that’s complex in its nuance. Awesome.

Universe, you opted to abandon one storyline for another, here lulz. You chose to add on to the ongoing saga of Universe vs Lars storyline instead, this week. There were so many clever moments here. “"I LOVE the heart that you've shown, may I cut it off and make it my own?" lulz that was awesome. This verse showcases your strategic planning. It's always been evident by the ongoing chapters you write every week but this it touched on an almost sun tzu’ish veneer lulz. Now with that said, i am a bit weary of this feud, if i can be honest. It's fun to read, I won't lie but I think i’d rather read something rooted in imagination as opposed to aversion you know? It was fun the read the first 2 or 3 times but now it should be a battle of the art itself. Regardless, this was still a very close ass battle.

This was a good and close ass battle and can see votes bouncing between the two. For me, in this particular day and time, i have to cast my vote to Lars. it was just more entertaining - even stoking the nostalgic fire lulz. Universe came with a scathing personal approach that was done masterfully but again in this moment in time, i wanted a more imaginative story that can take me places. Lars did that this time.

vote/ lars

Johnny 6 feet · 05-08-2020, 05:20 PM

Clutbuck- How'd this mange to be hilarious and sad at the same time? Loved the take on the topic, the idea of an old (8-4) mario pruning his plants and reminiscing about his glory days was brilliantly original and you held to the topic well from start to finish. The flow and use of internals was great. Vocab strong. Some on point metaphors here as well:

"unrequited love’s as hard to handle as Piranha Plants."

"and yet its stems were as twisted and barbed as her tongue."

"with our hero remembering that time was never on his side."

The final lines wrapped it up bleakly but nicely. Well done.

Universe- A diss piece wrapped up in a topical. Not seen that for a while. You connected it consistently to your picture though which made it work well. I found it easy to picture the two men having a conversation, and their uncertain connection.

"I said "Sure bud take it right home... You'll get better with practise"
(I didn't have the heart to inform him that his scissors were plastic)"

"But you need to exorcise those demons mate, now let me demonstrate
Hell, even Satan had an opportunity to knock on Heaven's gate"

Just a few of the stand out lines. Lyrically this was laced with multis without them seeming forced and the word choice was strong. Hard punches thrown; old enemies at war.

Great battle, hope they're all up to this standard this week. But I'm going for...

Vote- Clutbuck, his approach to the topic and metaphor use just clinched it for me.

Vulgar · 05-09-2020, 11:21 AM

Clutbuck - Good work, this is a tough verse to beat given the topic and line limit. It reminded me of when you competed in the RHYME league ( I think you did). Mario's old age and dementia. I liked the wordplay. Took me a second read to get the 'Peach' play. It had a sad Pixar story feel. Nice work.

Universe - lol interesting take. Definitely see there's a lot of tension in the room here. Clutbuck doesn't like to lose. You brought a different arsenal than expected but you are adapting for an unpredictable opponent. Verse for verse, Clutbuck got you here. Mechanically, you were OK and had moments of good subliminal disses.

Spent some time mulling over this one.

Vote - Clutbuck

But it seems like you both have unfinished business you can resolve in an audio battle or something. Or a regular battle.

Thx for the reads.

Clutbuck · 05-10-2020, 04:13 AM

Links:

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143090
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143089
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143088

Artifice · 05-10-2020, 07:22 PM

Clutbuck

Really appreciated the angle you took with this, and the execution was spot-on. The gaming references (8-4, peach of a pension plan, etc.) sprinkled throughout tied into the story really well without sacrificing any of the narrative you developed, which isn't always easy to do. I also appreciate your use of alliteration, it's something that often gets overlooked by writers but can easily make a piece a more smooth read.

Universe

Doing disses in a topical setting is hard to pull off, but I thought you did a fine job tying your verse into the picture while still sticking to your subject matter. From a technical standpoint this was well executed and read easily. I'm not including the OM piece in my decision but I'll definitely give it a read and drop feedback there. I'm not overly familiar with the history between you too (i've read a bit about what happened last week but that's about it) but it's obvious there's unsettled business here.

Two solid efforts, but the Mario angle tips it in Clutbuck's favour for me, though a definite shout to Universe for the diss approach in topical, he pulled it off better than I've seen most times. Still,

v/ Clutbuck

Inno · 05-10-2020, 11:17 PM

Clut

MARIO I’m old age? Lol you clever fuck this was a dope take. Another example of someone writing something so obvious yet unexpected. Like reading your verse first then looking at the picture, it fits perfectly tbh. I like the diction in this as always you write this smooth complex tightly woven story that’s never out of reach for the reader. You manage to tongue twist and bob weave with your metaphors yet always bringing the reader back around. The dementia bit brings it all together with a touch of grace. Really enjoyed this piece my g.

UNI

Like art said, a diss in a topical form is so hard to do as you have to teeter on the line so much. You did an excellent job balancing the piece together nicely. Technically this is on point which is another tough job to keep going. I enjoyed the subtle way you blended the wording of a diss to the more deep wording of a topical. I also the enjoyed the humor sprinkled through out the piece as well. Gotta say almost as clever take as lars going the MARIO route. Not to many diss topicals for a reason but honestly you pulled it off easily and I can appreciate it that.

Overall

Another dope battle to choice from. Both heavy weights showed up to the bout and slugged it out. Lars’ clever take on the topic was dope and UNIs attemp at a diss was equally dope but dam it I think I’m going with lars on this one simple because his take was a little more creative and in the end made for a more enjoyable read in my eyes. I can appreciate the diss format but lars’ take kept my attention longer. Great battle guys really thanks for the read.

Clut

05-05-2020, 02:09 PM	#1
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,025 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899403	WEEK 7: Universe vs Clutbuck LARS WINS GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Universe @Clutbuck Max line: 30 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME GOODLUCK! Last edited by Inno; 05-11-2020 at 02:52 PM.

05-05-2020, 02:38 PM	#2
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	The topic is the picture above, Lars ^^^^^^... in case you were wondering... Check. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

05-05-2020, 03:22 PM	#3
Clutbuck Battle Rap's Married Man Join Date: May 2015 Location: Crumpetville, England Posts: 389 Battle Record: 2-0 Champed - Gorilla Writing league Rep Power: 3513501	“Mama-Mia!” Mario moans. The arthritic ache as he stands a bigger pain in the ass than Bowser was in days of his past. Hair grey as the castle walls, only now it’s weeds he attends each year is a level up, but at 8-4 he’s nearing his end. The plumbers peach of a pension plan replaced his consort once he gave up on always trying to chase a lost cause. He never gained his top score, didn’t have the heart to ask, and unrequited love’s as hard to handle as Piranha Plants. So garden landscaping’s become his only option for now watching their stout aspirations grow, then chopping them down. There’s solace somehow in the serrated-edge of his scissors a sense of fulfilment in decapitating the heads of his victims. Each petal depicted the delicate visage he harboured so long and yet its stems were as twisted and barbed as her tongue. The gardening goomba attacks the bloom as it blossoms pruning it often but never tackling the root of his problem. It’s perfumery pollinates the wanton wind as it blows tickling his nose like shaven-moustache whiskers of old. The scissors he slowly squeezes signal his sanity slipping from the fingers as gradually as his grip on reality. Stygian shadows reach out tenebrous tendrils that hope to envelop him whole and permeate the depths of his soul. The ever-encroaching evil places death within his sights with our hero remembering that time was never on his side. The enemy invites him to a land far, far away for adventure and gamely he enters the Final Stage of... dementia. Last edited by Clutbuck; 05-08-2020 at 12:39 PM.

05-08-2020, 04:43 AM	#4
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Intermission Inter - place (a corpse) in a grave or tomb, typically with funeral rites. Mission - an important assignment carried out for political, religious, or commercial purposes, typically involving travel. ...... There once was a disease ridden worm... Is there even a term that could flatter? Sorry I had to desert my chapters to handle this personal matter He's clearly holding on to his dreams, it's not easy being this kid With therapy most people get over their demons, but he never did Grew up to be a little prick, in the end he would be drenched in blood The reason he looked up to me was the reason he could never step above He confessed his love; I said "It takes heart to fix your blunders son" "You already got two in the bucket... Sure you want to snip another one?" He muttered something intelligible, then finally he brazenly spoke "I LOVE the heart that you've shown, may I cut it off and make it my own?" I said "Sure bud take it right home... You'll get better with practise" (I didn't have the heart to inform him that his scissors were plastic) That'd trigger a snap in his brain, sounds eventually denigrate But you need to exorcise those demons mate, now let me demonstrate Hell, even Satan had an opportunity to knock on Heaven's gate Scissors aimed, he stabbed me in the back then promptly stepped away I exclaimed "Are you insane!? I guard secrets to avoid all this hell!" "The secret garden well is where I poignantly dwell!" (That's when he soiled himself) It seemed slightly disjointed as well, but I chuckled at his repeated cries He screamed at me, "if I turn a blind eye you'll try to eat me alive!" "Nah, I want you to SEE your demise"; He shouted vile thoughts and spouted lies So I let him bust out his tiny scissors and cut me down to size… (Why?) Sacrificing yourself for your art leaves a little note in its wake When he tore out the root of the problem there was an envelope in its place Should've seen the look on his face... It was everything I never got to vent The letterhead was written in red pen, it said 'Letter to a Friend'... He ripped it open and read... http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143124 Sorry if I went over the line (limit)... He can count bars until the end But I pulled it off in a different thread, looks like I outsmarted him again I warned him that everything's connected; Now watch him let out a pathetic cry I'll laugh and just reply, "Don't sweat it big guy, you'll get 'em next time..." wink and the gun Buh bye. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

05-08-2020, 12:45 PM	#5
Scar Senior Member Join Date: May 2019 Posts: 566 Battle Record: 7-5 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5689709	Oh man, well this is definitely another botw contender for sure! Lars, this was awesome. I really appreciate your style of writing. There’s a simplicity in its complexity - or is it complexity in its simplicity. Its hard to explain but the diction is very accessible. There are figurative language used but its not in an in your face kind of way, its more subtle. The simplicity here was in the framing which was a fan fiction of the mario lore. Here we see mario, now an aging relic not unlike Batman’s Dark Knight Return - not the movie but the comic which was about a restless and retired batman, living the rest of his days in mundanity. The best part was the subtext of it. Its really about Mario's true nature: the adventure, the fights, the battles. We see this as tendencies creep in while he's doing your normal 84 years old routine lulz;’ The verse was really a simple concept that’s complex in its nuance. Awesome. Universe, you opted to abandon one storyline for another, here lulz. You chose to add on to the ongoing saga of Universe vs Lars storyline instead, this week. There were so many clever moments here. “"I LOVE the heart that you've shown, may I cut it off and make it my own?" lulz that was awesome. This verse showcases your strategic planning. It's always been evident by the ongoing chapters you write every week but this it touched on an almost sun tzu’ish veneer lulz. Now with that said, i am a bit weary of this feud, if i can be honest. It's fun to read, I won't lie but I think i’d rather read something rooted in imagination as opposed to aversion you know? It was fun the read the first 2 or 3 times but now it should be a battle of the art itself. Regardless, this was still a very close ass battle. This was a good and close ass battle and can see votes bouncing between the two. For me, in this particular day and time, i have to cast my vote to Lars. it was just more entertaining - even stoking the nostalgic fire lulz. Universe came with a scathing personal approach that was done masterfully but again in this moment in time, i wanted a more imaginative story that can take me places. Lars did that this time. vote/ lars Last edited by Scar; 05-08-2020 at 12:53 PM.

05-08-2020, 05:20 PM	#6
Johnny 6 feet Storyteller Join Date: May 2020 Posts: 446 Battle Record: 8-4 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5558447	Clutbuck- How'd this mange to be hilarious and sad at the same time? Loved the take on the topic, the idea of an old (8-4) mario pruning his plants and reminiscing about his glory days was brilliantly original and you held to the topic well from start to finish. The flow and use of internals was great. Vocab strong. Some on point metaphors here as well: "unrequited love’s as hard to handle as Piranha Plants." "and yet its stems were as twisted and barbed as her tongue." "with our hero remembering that time was never on his side." The final lines wrapped it up bleakly but nicely. Well done. Universe- A diss piece wrapped up in a topical. Not seen that for a while. You connected it consistently to your picture though which made it work well. I found it easy to picture the two men having a conversation, and their uncertain connection. "I said "Sure bud take it right home... You'll get better with practise" (I didn't have the heart to inform him that his scissors were plastic)" "But you need to exorcise those demons mate, now let me demonstrate Hell, even Satan had an opportunity to knock on Heaven's gate" Just a few of the stand out lines. Lyrically this was laced with multis without them seeming forced and the word choice was strong. Hard punches thrown; old enemies at war. Great battle, hope they're all up to this standard this week. But I'm going for... Vote- Clutbuck, his approach to the topic and metaphor use just clinched it for me.

05-09-2020, 11:21 AM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Clutbuck - Good work, this is a tough verse to beat given the topic and line limit. It reminded me of when you competed in the RHYME league ( I think you did). Mario's old age and dementia. I liked the wordplay. Took me a second read to get the 'Peach' play. It had a sad Pixar story feel. Nice work. Universe - lol interesting take. Definitely see there's a lot of tension in the room here. Clutbuck doesn't like to lose. You brought a different arsenal than expected but you are adapting for an unpredictable opponent. Verse for verse, Clutbuck got you here. Mechanically, you were OK and had moments of good subliminal disses. Spent some time mulling over this one. Vote - Clutbuck But it seems like you both have unfinished business you can resolve in an audio battle or something. Or a regular battle. Thx for the reads.

05-10-2020, 04:13 AM	#8
Clutbuck Battle Rap's Married Man Join Date: May 2015 Location: Crumpetville, England Posts: 389 Battle Record: 2-0 Champed - Gorilla Writing league Rep Power: 3513501	Links: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143090 http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143089 http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143088 Last edited by Clutbuck; 05-10-2020 at 07:58 PM.

05-10-2020, 07:22 PM	#9
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944949	Clutbuck Really appreciated the angle you took with this, and the execution was spot-on. The gaming references (8-4, peach of a pension plan, etc.) sprinkled throughout tied into the story really well without sacrificing any of the narrative you developed, which isn't always easy to do. I also appreciate your use of alliteration, it's something that often gets overlooked by writers but can easily make a piece a more smooth read. Universe Doing disses in a topical setting is hard to pull off, but I thought you did a fine job tying your verse into the picture while still sticking to your subject matter. From a technical standpoint this was well executed and read easily. I'm not including the OM piece in my decision but I'll definitely give it a read and drop feedback there. I'm not overly familiar with the history between you too (i've read a bit about what happened last week but that's about it) but it's obvious there's unsettled business here. Two solid efforts, but the Mario angle tips it in Clutbuck's favour for me, though a definite shout to Universe for the diss approach in topical, he pulled it off better than I've seen most times. Still, v/ Clutbuck

05-10-2020, 11:17 PM	#10
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,025 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899403	Clut MARIO I’m old age? Lol you clever fuck this was a dope take. Another example of someone writing something so obvious yet unexpected. Like reading your verse first then looking at the picture, it fits perfectly tbh. I like the diction in this as always you write this smooth complex tightly woven story that’s never out of reach for the reader. You manage to tongue twist and bob weave with your metaphors yet always bringing the reader back around. The dementia bit brings it all together with a touch of grace. Really enjoyed this piece my g. UNI Like art said, a diss in a topical form is so hard to do as you have to teeter on the line so much. You did an excellent job balancing the piece together nicely. Technically this is on point which is another tough job to keep going. I enjoyed the subtle way you blended the wording of a diss to the more deep wording of a topical. I also the enjoyed the humor sprinkled through out the piece as well. Gotta say almost as clever take as lars going the MARIO route. Not to many diss topicals for a reason but honestly you pulled it off easily and I can appreciate it that. Overall Another dope battle to choice from. Both heavy weights showed up to the bout and slugged it out. Lars’ clever take on the topic was dope and UNIs attemp at a diss was equally dope but dam it I think I’m going with lars on this one simple because his take was a little more creative and in the end made for a more enjoyable read in my eyes. I can appreciate the diss format but lars’ take kept my attention longer. Great battle guys really thanks for the read. Clut