04-20-2020, 11:55 AM | #1 |
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Week 5: Bodey vs Ender BODEY WINS
GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Bodey @Ender Max line: 30 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post Due date: April 24, 2020 MIDNIGHT EST TIME Topic: This week we have 7 battles so we are doing a 7 deadly sins themed topic this week. You will receive one of the 7 deadly sins. All you have to do is incorporate the sin into your story any way you choose. Think of it as a jumping off point to something broader. Enjoy! Your topic is : WRATH GOODLUCK! Last edited by Inno; 04-27-2020 at 12:00 PM. |
04-20-2020, 01:55 PM | #2 |
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04-20-2020, 07:48 PM | #3 |
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04-23-2020, 10:02 PM | #6 |
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@Inno - that's why i asked because midnight on the 24th would be tonight. but some people would look at it as midnight tomorrow night, which would technically be the 25th. you see what i'm sayin lol
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04-24-2020, 06:06 AM | #7 |
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Living in Fear
It’s a monotonous buzz, fear is a chainsaw blade It never goes away, I’m even afraid of being afraid Trying to fade into the background wherever I go So I don’t have to fight, so it never comes to blows I suppose it’s why I try to never meet the eye Of girls and guys in the street passing by Deny eye contact and show no facial expression Avoid a painful session of unstable aggression But I question what this is really about my friend Why I want to shout but I tend to back down in the end Never hold my ground and defend, what is this fear? Is it mere harsh words that I can’t bear to hear? Or do I fear violence leading to a downturn in my health? Or in a confrontation, what I might learn about myself? I dwell on on this as I’m walking the streets in a slump Watching my feet, I think it’s clear that….. BUMP! “Watch where you’re going, you stupid queer cunt!” Sheer blunt rage in the voice, I could hear the affront He had a mohawk, black leather jacket and boots A nose-ringed brute who looked used to disputes I could feel my heart pump, maybe this was the time Don’t be a coward, standing up for yourself isn’t a crime “Sorry about that,” mumbled quietly. Pathetic. Should be ready to rumble, not shyly apologetic Yet still apoplectic, a boot lashes out Blood splashes about from the crashing clout No doubt unconscious, maybe dead Tried to get back up, got a boot to the head I had always lived in fear, what would happen if I confront? My wrath escaped and I killed that mohawked queer cunt |
04-25-2020, 12:47 AM | #8 |
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It was the summer of ’93, yet we still sported JNCO jeans
With one pant-leg to the knee, please advise the bike-chain grease Streetlights flickered on, gesturing our parents to call for us Grew up on the same suburban block in Hollywood, Florida Such popular kids, dirtying the jokes on our popsicle sticks And that GI Joe with the voice box was awesome as shit Parachutes were ready, bottle rockets were lit Stood over the channel and shot ‘em off of a bridge One day we were playin pogs, and I was about to win And then you started goin off, chuckin the slammer at my head You never showed me you were sorry, it’s outrageous that I stayed I should’ve known that this was just the budding stages of your rage Now we’re 17-years old, and you still tell me that we’re boys But anytime I’d get a girl, you’d get jealous and annoyed And I never spoke up, I guess because I was afraid So I tried to spend my time with Lisa, she was always a good lay Until the day that you walked in on us and threw a fist across my face I opened my eyes to the sound of her sobbing, it's obvious she had lost it She told me how you forced yourself inside her while I laid nearby unconscious That’s it, I told myself, this motherfucker is gonna die I came home that night, and I begged my parents one more time: “Can we please move?” My mother asked to pass the rice My father would rather toss me money than to ask about my eye “Kids get into scuffles all the time, is it so wrong to assume that we thought everything was fine?” Bobby Kent was the high school athlete, every teacher’s wet dream No adult in this town thought to ask me if he’s really all what he seems He’s a modern-day Eddie Haskel, a narcissistic asshole And I’ll be damned if he gets the future that his daddy couldn’t have, so I invited him out to the Everglades, said there was gonna be a party He squeezed my shoulder on the way like, “You're my best friend, Marty.” What he didn’t know is that I brought my hunting knife And when I jammed the blade into his gut, he said something like, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, whatever I did, please don’t kill me!” His hands were jarring, and my bloody fingernails were filthy I tackled him to the ground, it was so easy to get him down Slashing his throat until the gurgling sounds drowned out of his mouth Days later, I was arrested. They wondered how a kid like me could get so aggressive Well, as the product of a cozy middle American family, Consider this crime my message.
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Last edited by Bodey; 04-25-2020 at 02:01 AM. |
04-25-2020, 07:48 AM | #9 |
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Ender - Quite a different approach from you this week. Last week's verse was like a painting, this was way more watered down and to-the-point. Not necessarily a bad thing... just different. I liked the flow of this, it was tight and impossible to read it any way other than how it was intended. This is tough to do so kudos on that. BUT, I would've liked to see a little more detail in your lines. They all just seemed... abrupt. It's like you sacrificed content for flow... which, I don't know, maybe I just personally prefer more detail like your piece last week. As for the story itself, it was simple but enjoyable. Although I felt this was a topical piece about fear, not wrath. I get the build up to the eventual snapping of the character -- being bullied until enough is enough... but as soon as wrath actually showed its glorious face, it ended. This felt like wrath's origin story rather than a topical piece about wrath. It's a creative take, in it's own way, but I would've liked to see you go over the needs-to-be-changed 30 line limit and really delve into what wrath looks like. Show me its face. I wanted your character to have his revenge laid out at my feet so I could live it with him. I felt I was robbed of that closure here. So overall, a solid piece here for sure... just was expecting a little more from you.
Bodey - I enjoyed this story -- It was your typical kind of coming of age story with that one event that forever earmarks childhood. The flow was good for the most part, and you had some great lines like: "Such popular kids, dirtying the jokes on our popsicle sticks And that GI Joe with the voice box was awesome as shit" Very nostalgic. Reminded me a little of dead man's verse last week. "He’s a modern-day Eddie Haskel, a narcissistic asshole And I’ll be damned if he gets the future that his daddy couldn’t have, so" Loved this in every possible way. The problem here, I found, is was this seemed like a tale of two cities... Meaning you have tight flow and amazing lines then the next line would seem a little off and... rushed, maybe? Like some lines just didn't CONNNECT with me, sort of threw me out of the vibe of the piece. I also wish you went longer because it jumped around quite quickly.. I wanted more detail about the murder... I wanted to see how the character DEALT with just murdering someone internally. Give us the results of Wrath. I want to FEEL this cool little story and instead I just read and liked it... hope you get what I'm saying. Overall, I enjoyed this Bodey... just wanted it a little more detailed because you glossed over the coolest parts in my mind. I felt like this should've been condensed down and made into the introduction... then you could take us on a journey of the aftermath of Wrath... and what lies in its wake. Close battle. Good effort from both... I'm going Bodey though because when her piece shined, it really shined. Just more moments stood out for me. Vote - Adrian Bodey
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04-25-2020, 09:14 AM | #10 |
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04-25-2020, 09:15 AM | #11 | |||||||||
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Ender: What a fantastic verse! I’ll give you an indepth post of feedback as I feel this deserves it way more than it’s received so far. Straight from the opening line I loved this idea of “fear is a chainsaw blade,” it created a nice visual accompaniment to the message you were relaying but it also an example on why word choice is an important factor. As an opening line, you want to grab your audiences attention, and you certainly did that here. It made me want to listen and read on. The idea of being afraid of being afraid was also a unique one to this topic, which I also enjoyed, and the last couplet starts to build up the characterisation of the lead for the reader, setting your stall out early on:
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Bodey: This sort of felt like a continuation piece from where you left off last week, to me, which does feel unimaginative and uncreative and almost cheap as the characters have been established previously. You also had gone over the specified line limit so that’s a point deducted also in my book, it’s poor sportsmanship. Anyway, on to the breakdown: I noticed almost instantly you have a poly-syllable rhyme which falls short compared with the schemes and technical efficiency that Ender displayed here. The lines are longer, meaning the flow suffers considerably in comparison, and with him adopting such a short syllable count to his lines it makes yours feel even more elongated which I’m not a fan of. Call for us/Florida doesn’t rhyme at all on my accent and comes off forced also which I had an issue with as I’m a perfectionist: Quote:
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Until the day that you walked in on us and threw a fist across my face I opened my eyes to the sound of her sobbing, it's obvious she had lost it She told me how you forced yourself inside her while I laid nearby unconscious That’s it, I told myself, this motherfucker is gonna die I came home that night, and I begged my parents one more time: “Can we please move?” My mother asked to pass the rice My father would rather toss me money than to ask about my eye “Kids get into scuffles all the time, is it so wrong to assume that we thought everything was fine?”[/quote] The Bobby Kent name drop with little else to further the character development beyond that again feels more of a hackneyed plot device being utilised than anything more. It’s lazy on your part. Show us who the character is, don’t just tell us, you know? The “asshole/have, so” rhyme is also an example of you forcing the rhyme because the comma would indicate a pause between the two words - and to make it rhyme as you intended, there would be no pause. Please take more care, time and effort when constructing these things: Quote:
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04-25-2020, 09:48 PM | #12 |
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ender, lulz cool concept my man. so this person is afraid to let loose because letting loose means releasing a kraken ha ha. ok this was a nice creative take on the topic. i didn't really like the format, but i can see why it was the way it was. the first section illustrated the anxiety of the character, which is crucial to the progression of the second section. i just wish it was more of a story as opposed to a soliloquy you know? i'm spoiled by your verse last week so maybe its due to some type of bias lulz. flow was nice and clean. one thing that stuck out to me was your transition. its very "low key", very understated. its there but like barely. you don't really match the scheme during transition but theres a connect there lulz. hard to explain but yeah. "Or in a confrontation, what I might learn about myself?" that was awesome.
bodey, this was great. i can definitely see that some of deadman's verse last week had some effect here as the greater part of the first act involves you painting in nostalgic acrylics. Very effective. Love how you netcees guys can do stuff like that in such frugal manner. the feel of this verse was very small time, suburb even without reading the final passage - which was fucking awesome! i read one of your post about you rushing this, and i can totally see it. It lacked a certain level of pathos that i've come to expect from your writing. This seems to be a total attempt at narrative. Usually you leave a bit of yourself in your verse but this seems to be plot driven. Nothing wrong with it, mind you but very uncharacteristic of your work lulz. this is a fucking tough one. both of you guys seem to stepped out of your natural strength here. I enjoyed both verses. i think the one determining factor here is originality. although bodey was more epic in scope, i thought ender had a fresher angle as i felt i've read bodey's story a few times before. so with that v/ender |
04-25-2020, 11:14 PM | #13 |
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Ender - the wrath was there and the topic touched but i feel like you came off a bit scattered in the approach even tho it builds up...you defind wrath it in indirect ways i dig a good morose flex
the end of the verse could have been a bit more polished almost sounded like horrorcore which i understand why you would do it but the lyrics could have been tighter imo Bodey - Just great emceeing all around you got your style you got the foundations and you put it together well in this piece like a quick lil glimpse into the mind of wrath your storytelling could have came off a lil more complex verbally but it still built a scene of the said topic some verses lacked that grizzlyness that i fw personally but good shit v//bodey |
04-26-2020, 10:57 AM | #14 |
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Ender - the beginning stanza was well put, great basis to work from. Some moments fell flat I'll say but you had a clear direction n stuck with it n never went off. It was technically fine. Nice smooth easy read, got a de Niro in taxi vibe at it towards the end which brought some needed imagery. Good stuff
Bodey - again at certain points I got a goodfellas, Sopranos vibe to it which gave the piece imagery. Makes a better impact on the reader. I will say enders was a smoother piece but this story was better n engaging. There was more life to it, not a technical masterpiece but ok enough, I do appreciate how hard it is at times whilst getting the points across It comes down to the endings, both didnt land the way I wanted them to. Ender was technically better imo, they're both quite similar in what they're portraying, BUT with a little more life injected into the back story, I see the hows/ whys etc for the characters motivation in bodeys. He snatches the win here by a hair, can see why its proving divisive. Ain't mad at either result here Good work guys! V/ bodey... just |
04-26-2020, 08:24 PM | #15 |
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I liked Ender's style here, technical and straightforward there wasn't a whole lot of mystique to it but at the same time it wasn't super predictable either. There were some parts that grammatically read weird or just some phrases you used like "mohawked queer cunt" but that might just be a nitpicking thing on my part. Overall i thought this was a good verse but it could have been more of a compelling narrative, but the subject matter was very relevant to a lot of us and i can personally draw parallels to anger issues and whatnot.
Bodey, i liked your narrative a lot and the fact that it was based on a true story was a cool choice on your part especially because i feel like you have made a lot of personal pieces, as compared to this one which you wrote from the standpoint of a character. I liked this because it kind of felt like a cross of a Universe/dead man piece and you included things that conjured nostalgia. "Shooting bottle rockets, JNCO jeans etc" just made your writing human even though you were telling it from someone else's point of view. Nice job. Bodey is the clear winner here in my eyes, just conjured more of an atmosphere in her verse and brought it to life a bit more. I liked Ender's verse because It was a technical spectacle but i think this one goes to Bodey i enjoyed hers more great job everyone. V/Bodey |
04-27-2020, 12:06 AM | #16 |
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Ender
I liked it for the most part. Thought 'crashing clout' was a reach for a rhyming phrase but that's nitpicking. There is a palpable buildup of the main character going from fear to wrath. Some confusion at first as to who was delivering the blows, but I think you did that intentionally so the final line would hit home harder. Bodey Interesting story; seems like I've seen it on a crime show before but I'm too lazy to google tha names. You really showed that the guy was a POS, especially with the rape part. For some reason I liked when your Mom's only response was to pass the rice. Ignored, wrath consumes. Preference battle, I was just a little more engaged with Bodey's story so she edges it. No disrespect to Ender who has showed he can bring it. |
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