Scar vs brokenhal0- SCAR WINS

Adverse · 04-10-2020, 07:27 PM

Alright this was a cool little bout...i dug it.

Scar:
Excellent narrative, thought your format was a little off-putting at first but as i progressed through i started liking the way it was set up more and more. Liked the references to star wars and the whole scene played out like a crazy magic school bus/star wars crossover, and i liked that a lot. You kept the reader engaged, and i liked the story told from front to back, my only complaint if any would be sometimes i feel like your rhymes weren't super concrete? Like for one there weren't any multies to tie in but also like sometimes the rhyming words were more near rhymes, or just the last syllable of the word even rhymed. Just something to work on going forward otherwise i loved it.

Hal0:
Think you kind of keyed this one up for the sake of having a verse to enter this week which i commend but to me it was super shaky. I appreciated the imagery of machinery from different periods of time, i liked the timeline but don't feel like there waa an overarching story here which i would have liked to have seen as opposed to just a general "machines are overtaking man" kind of topical, that's just me though, did enjoy the read but just thought your narrative faltered a little.

V/Scar, i felt like he told the more intriguing and engaging story this week. Good job fellas

04-10-2020, 07:27 PM	#8
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	Alright this was a cool little bout...i dug it. Scar: Excellent narrative, thought your format was a little off-putting at first but as i progressed through i started liking the way it was set up more and more. Liked the references to star wars and the whole scene played out like a crazy magic school bus/star wars crossover, and i liked that a lot. You kept the reader engaged, and i liked the story told from front to back, my only complaint if any would be sometimes i feel like your rhymes weren't super concrete? Like for one there weren't any multies to tie in but also like sometimes the rhyming words were more near rhymes, or just the last syllable of the word even rhymed. Just something to work on going forward otherwise i loved it. Hal0: Think you kind of keyed this one up for the sake of having a verse to enter this week which i commend but to me it was super shaky. I appreciated the imagery of machinery from different periods of time, i liked the timeline but don't feel like there waa an overarching story here which i would have liked to have seen as opposed to just a general "machines are overtaking man" kind of topical, that's just me though, did enjoy the read but just thought your narrative faltered a little. V/Scar, i felt like he told the more intriguing and engaging story this week. Good job fellas