Spoken 0-2 vs Dearg 0-0 - DEARG WINS 5-1

UnbornBuddha · 10-07-2015, 09:54 PM

Dearg: This was simple, nothing too visually eye-catching, to be frank. it felt rushed and thematically fragmented, albeit with a connotative aim to the fellow lyricists. And their dreams and whatnot, which usually are conceived early on and without basis on the reality of the situation. It still transitioned nice from line to line, even if the lines themselves were segmented without a continuous motion to them.

Spoken: In one hand, the approach was more thoughtful than Dearg's, or it appears to. I mean sometimes it is easy to try disguise meaningless sentiments with deepness, not saying this was the case, but thought provoking works need to be discriminated further. The wording felt choppy and this is not even isolating the grammatical mistakes that make your work appear more amateurish because its clear you did not edit, which is a huge detriment. But, yes I feel there's something about your wording that is jarring in some way, the order of words, while syntactically correct still feel jumbled in this puzzling way I can't put my finger on.

Vote: Dearg

10-07-2015, 09:54 PM	#11
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Dearg: This was simple, nothing too visually eye-catching, to be frank. it felt rushed and thematically fragmented, albeit with a connotative aim to the fellow lyricists. And their dreams and whatnot, which usually are conceived early on and without basis on the reality of the situation. It still transitioned nice from line to line, even if the lines themselves were segmented without a continuous motion to them. Spoken: In one hand, the approach was more thoughtful than Dearg's, or it appears to. I mean sometimes it is easy to try disguise meaningless sentiments with deepness, not saying this was the case, but thought provoking works need to be discriminated further. The wording felt choppy and this is not even isolating the grammatical mistakes that make your work appear more amateurish because its clear you did not edit, which is a huge detriment. But, yes I feel there's something about your wording that is jarring in some way, the order of words, while syntactically correct still feel jumbled in this puzzling way I can't put my finger on. Vote: Dearg