2triple0 vs. Flo Real - FLO [4-1]

EtH · 09-21-2015, 02:10 PM

2K - I wish for one week you would just take your time and come up with a plotline rather than writing your stuff the second you see the image. You had a couple of ideas in here but typos, simplistic rhyming and left field similes brought it all down. If you're going to have comparisons, similes and metaphors, have them to do with an image or the topic. Don't compare business to The Chappelle Show. You've got some opportunities in there but I think you just throw everything out too quickly and it comes off way too underdeveloped.

Flo Real - A small piece but I really enjoyed it. I really like pieces that are sure of themselves and this definitely was. I picked up on the subject matter just a little bit into the second stanza and was begging that you wouldn't finish it off with "blah blah blah my gambling addiction". You did a great job keeping it subtle and it's a very interesting and original twist on a picture that could have gotten very generic very fast. I liked the little end part. Even though you put it across in a simple way, I felt like a couple of people might miss the subtleties so you allowed me to feel like I'm "in the loop" and will the notice comments like "I bet I will". Good piece, enjoyed reading it, looking forward to your next one.

MVGT - Flo Real.

09-21-2015, 02:10 PM	#6
EtH Erebus Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 435 Battle Record: 6-1 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3537335	2K - I wish for one week you would just take your time and come up with a plotline rather than writing your stuff the second you see the image. You had a couple of ideas in here but typos, simplistic rhyming and left field similes brought it all down. If you're going to have comparisons, similes and metaphors, have them to do with an image or the topic. Don't compare business to The Chappelle Show. You've got some opportunities in there but I think you just throw everything out too quickly and it comes off way too underdeveloped. Flo Real - A small piece but I really enjoyed it. I really like pieces that are sure of themselves and this definitely was. I picked up on the subject matter just a little bit into the second stanza and was begging that you wouldn't finish it off with "blah blah blah my gambling addiction". You did a great job keeping it subtle and it's a very interesting and original twist on a picture that could have gotten very generic very fast. I liked the little end part. Even though you put it across in a simple way, I felt like a couple of people might miss the subtleties so you allowed me to feel like I'm "in the loop" and will the notice comments like "I bet I will". Good piece, enjoyed reading it, looking forward to your next one. MVGT - Flo Real. __________________