fortune cookie

Nigma · 08-11-2015, 01:15 AM

The first line didnt really mean anything. Was like you wrote it to sound cool but showed little attention to the meaning behind it. Next couple lines to me seemed a bit disjointed. You have some storytelling going on but its interrupted by random bits of info. Some of the references were neat but you need to do a better job relating them to where you want to go with the story. You worded some lines very nicely, for instance the instagram thug line. Others not so much though. Thought the Kundalini line onwards was dope, one of my fav sections.

Overall, had some strong sections but was overall very inconsistent. Got the building blocks, just have to arrange them properly.

08-11-2015, 01:15 AM	#2
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,723 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595813	The first line didnt really mean anything. Was like you wrote it to sound cool but showed little attention to the meaning behind it. Next couple lines to me seemed a bit disjointed. You have some storytelling going on but its interrupted by random bits of info. Some of the references were neat but you need to do a better job relating them to where you want to go with the story. You worded some lines very nicely, for instance the instagram thug line. Others not so much though. Thought the Kundalini line onwards was dope, one of my fav sections. Overall, had some strong sections but was overall very inconsistent. Got the building blocks, just have to arrange them properly. __________________