allegedly affected

[Pharaohs Army]

thanks for the comments. yes, with your example.. "games until you ended it".. it was tricky to me too. first I put a comma in it-- "games, until you ended it".
Then I changed it. Took the comma out and dropped "until you ended it" to the next line.
But after reading your feed and re-reading the line, I realized, yes, that's even worse, and just put it back up there and took the comma out.

it rhymes with "frame of reference", if you draw out the former properly.

i am trying my best to "illustrate" what I am "going for". the illustration doesn't always seem to be working.

I think my biggest problem is that some lines require connectivity with the words, while others, in a sort of opposite manner, require separation/enunciation.

If I were to pluck an example I would say the line:
laced with similes richer than Saudi Arabia describing'is misery
is meant to be very connected

while the line
but it turned into a multisyllabic extravaganza.
is meant to be noticeably separated syllables

I don't think that problem is solvable on a page but I'm open to suggestions.

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army

I think my biggest problem is that some lines require connectivity with the words, while others, in a sort of opposite manner, require separation/enunciation.
I don't think that problem is solvable on a page but I'm open to suggestions.

that's very astute.

honestly, this problem that you've run into represents a really crucial conflict in this type of writing.

in the scenario above you have a few options-

1) Make the rhyme happen, accepting that it doesn't flow quite right.

I think more often than not, writers choose this option under the assumption that readers will "see what they're going for" and understand it was a difficult rhyme.

However, the main problems with this choice are:
- since the phrasing of one half of the rhymed couplet has to be altered to feel that "rhyme effect", there is a huge disconnect when you read the verse. Everyone will initially read through verses naturally, as dictated by punctuation (you understand this, showing your changing of the placement of that comma). When they stumble over something or there is a weird part of the flow, they'll go back, making sure that they were reading correctly. If they were, and your wording doesn't quite work, it frankly comes across as sloppy and amateurish

-by forcing the flow, you're drawing attention away from the content.

2. look for an alternate rhyme that isn't forced
-this is not always possible.

3. ditch the line
-what if that line is important?

4. Reword your line to say the same thing, but to have a simpler rhyme
-this is super crucial. A lot of new writers (not lumping you in with them) believe there is only one way to say something they want to say. This isn't true, though when you change what you've written you DO always change the meaning slightly

- an important idea to consider is that you can change some lines completely, and perhaps you lose a concept or a wordplay in the process- but you can still introduce them at a different part in the verse.

-when you simply can't seem to word a line to both rhyme & make sense smoothly, the problem isn't with your writing ability. You just need to focus on the actual construction of the verse. Rearrange those lines, concepts, wording- keep track of both what you want to say and how what you're saying changes by switching *one* word, or by swapping the order of two concepts. Lose your attachment to your writing, and accept that sometimes you have to scrap really good ideas or lines if you want to write a good verse

What I do is dump all the concepts that I wanted to keep, but couldn't make work, into a Notepad file. Sometimes I scroll through and grab things as I need them.

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army

If I were to pluck an example I would say the line:
laced with similes richer than Saudi Arabia describing'is misery
is meant to be very connected

while the line
but it turned into a multisyllabic extravaganza.
is meant to be noticeably separated syllables

I don't think that problem is solvable on a page but I'm open to suggestions.

Yeah, true. You can convert these lines into the other style and vice verse.

but every word I spit instead is then transformed in this metamorphosis to become a separate form with many portioned bits

stocked with golden grins. a vault within the halls of a Sultanate- dining on Mercedes rims, sighing exquisitely