allegedly affected
 

Picture Painted with Manipulation of the English Language..
writers Languish, from Emotional Pain and Physical Ailments- health complications.
smile for a While wth my Wealth Of Connotations, randomly Placed in my scripts with Borrowed Phrases.
doubting, what we See with Our Own gazes, pointlessly seeking what Our own place is.
observing and commenting on a society Stuck in the races
a topical featuring our ThoughtsUpon a Man who Thought'e 'ad made it
laced with similes richer than Saudi Arabia describing'is misery..

..&maestros See-thru-my-Nonsense wholly aware that it's Read-worthy content..
needing no Respect 'r Mention i'm a Frame of Reference amusing myself with silly Games.until you Ended it.
it must have been the Lack-of-atTention-Paid
or perhaps your psycha logical thriller Left me stressed for Days.
per-haps your Exe-cution of your favorite muses was a Heart Electrocution
leaving me with crusty Eyes wishing for numbness again- about my Woman again
(jealousy's Not the Word- i'm not concerned)..
..(it wasn't so much a "Mindfuck" as a body blow, and Time stopped)

..Yo,
i beCame a paranoid manic in a panic when they said they were watching me like a Crow..
This Was Years ago..
My,how everything changes
Yes i'm so Rational i'm enticed by infomercials with hydroxycut,for weight loss.
yes i'm so passionate i had a stanza,
but it turned into a multisyllabic extravaganza.
and i'd already Coached Newcomers--
when they Asked Me What Rap's About i preTended I Had An Answer..
------

***(un)Edited version:
Allegedly Affected

Picture painted with manipulation of the English language. Writers languish, from emotional pain and physical ailments- health complications. Smile for a while wth my wealth of connotations, randomly placed in my scripts with borrowed phrases. Doubting.What we see with our own gazes, pointlessly seeking what our own place is. Observing and commenting on a society stuck in the races. A topical featuring our thoughts-upon a man who thought'e 'ad made it[,]laced with similes richer than Saudi Arabia describing'is Misery..
..And maestros see thru my nonsense wholly aware that it's read-worthy content..
Needing no respect 'r mention i'm a frame of reference amusing myself with silly games.until you ended it. It must've been the lack of attention paid. Or perhaps your psycha logical thriller left me stressed for days. Perhaps your execution of your favorite muses was a heart electrocution leaving me with crusty Eyes wishing for numbness again- about my woman again: Jealousy's not the word/i'm not concerned. It wasn't so much a "Mindfuck" as a body blow,and time stopped..
..Yo, I became a paranoid manic-in-a-panic when they said they were watching me like a Crow. This was years ago. My, how everything changes. Yes I'm so rational I'm enticed by infomercials with hydroxycut,fer weight loss. Yes I'm so passionate I had a stanza, but it turned into a multi-syllabic extravaganza. And I'd already coached newcomers.. When they asked me what rap's about I pretended I had an answer.

The first portion was decently good, some of your better writing that I've seen. Second portion's wordplay was forced or fizzled out. Your rhymes can be quite jumbled, rhyming and flow is not simply an additive process- you can put sounds & emphasis together, the sameish way, four lines in a row.. But whether they sound good, or even seem to rhyme, depends not only on the non-rhymed sections and the overall cadence of the writing but also on your choice of rhymes.

Sometimes I read your writing and think that while you technically *could* rhyme that with something ("games until you ended it"), it's so wordy and weirdly spaced that why would you? Like, you can already tell toure going to have to contort your language to make it work

thanks for the comments. yes, with your example.. "games until you ended it".. it was tricky to me too. first I put a comma in it-- "games, until you ended it".
Then I changed it. Took the comma out and dropped "until you ended it" to the next line.
But after reading your feed and re-reading the line, I realized, yes, that's even worse, and just put it back up there and took the comma out.

it rhymes with "frame of reference", if you draw out the former properly.

i am trying my best to "illustrate" what I am "going for". the illustration doesn't always seem to be working.

I think my biggest problem is that some lines require connectivity with the words, while others, in a sort of opposite manner, require separation/enunciation.

If I were to pluck an example I would say the line:
laced with similes richer than Saudi Arabia describing'is misery
is meant to be very connected

while the line
but it turned into a multisyllabic extravaganza.
is meant to be noticeably separated syllables

I don't think that problem is solvable on a page but I'm open to suggestions.

that's very astute.

honestly, this problem that you've run into represents a really crucial conflict in this type of writing.

in the scenario above you have a few options-

1) Make the rhyme happen, accepting that it doesn't flow quite right.

I think more often than not, writers choose this option under the assumption that readers will "see what they're going for" and understand it was a difficult rhyme.

However, the main problems with this choice are:
- since the phrasing of one half of the rhymed couplet has to be altered to feel that "rhyme effect", there is a huge disconnect when you read the verse. Everyone will initially read through verses naturally, as dictated by punctuation (you understand this, showing your changing of the placement of that comma). When they stumble over something or there is a weird part of the flow, they'll go back, making sure that they were reading correctly. If they were, and your wording doesn't quite work, it frankly comes across as sloppy and amateurish

-by forcing the flow, you're drawing attention away from the content.

2. look for an alternate rhyme that isn't forced
-this is not always possible.

3. ditch the line
-what if that line is important?

4. Reword your line to say the same thing, but to have a simpler rhyme
-this is super crucial. A lot of new writers (not lumping you in with them) believe there is only one way to say something they want to say. This isn't true, though when you change what you've written you DO always change the meaning slightly

- an important idea to consider is that you can change some lines completely, and perhaps you lose a concept or a wordplay in the process- but you can still introduce them at a different part in the verse.

-when you simply can't seem to word a line to both rhyme & make sense smoothly, the problem isn't with your writing ability. You just need to focus on the actual construction of the verse. Rearrange those lines, concepts, wording- keep track of both what you want to say and how what you're saying changes by switching *one* word, or by swapping the order of two concepts. Lose your attachment to your writing, and accept that sometimes you have to scrap really good ideas or lines if you want to write a good verse

What I do is dump all the concepts that I wanted to keep, but couldn't make work, into a Notepad file. Sometimes I scroll through and grab things as I need them.

Yeah, true. You can convert these lines into the other style and vice verse.

but every word I spit instead is then transformed in this metamorphosis to become a separate form with many portioned bits

stocked with golden grins. a vault within the halls of a Sultanate- dining on Mercedes rims, sighing exquisitely

Also, sometimes I think that you believe something rhymes internally, and maybe it has a rhyme hidden in the line, but the way the line is read means that it definitely does not.

What does "describing'is misery" rhyme with? If you were to read your verse out loud, adjusting your tempo/ rhythm so that everything you /wanted/ to rhyme, *did* rhyme, would it sound natural?

"it must have been the Lack-of-atTention-Paid"
why the hyphens? Am I supposed to string those together? If I was to guess, you need it to sound like, phonetically
"laquivat-- tensionpade"

Going off my previous points... you could avoid this butchering of language by switching a few words around. There's no reason not to.




I think your use of an apostrophe in "describing'is" is a pretty big indicator that your mechanics are broken here. If "describing his" wouldn't work, than "describing'is" wouldn't work either because it's essentially the same thing but slightly more connected.

Readers will want to read something so that it sounds natural. The musical quality of topicals/ OMs that is preserved from its birth as written rap means that some degree of natural fluidity is an expectation of every verse in this medium.

It's a huge detriment against your writing to not be fluid, unless it sets out to explicitly deny this convention (basically a poem), and the reader understands this- & by doing so your verse is better.

But by and large, people here are not here to read poems.


If you want that sense of fluidity, you should read through your writing as an entire, cohesive verse a minimum of twice. The first time, trying to pick up on your own rhythm as you go- how you'd have to read it to make it work.

The second time, do it from the top in one solid go. If any parts sound weird to you, they'll sound 20x weirder to other people.

The presentation is meant to make people care about the content.

apparently split thinks he wasn't garbage a few months ago

I've never made statements about the quality of my own writing

defensive.

Cute

@Dr Dog
Interesting thoughts. Thank you again; I appreciate it muchly. This stuff is very interesting to me. And this is literally the most important issue for me with respect to writing and the display of my writings.
-
But I'm more interested in pushing the limits so I thank you(all) for your patience and feedback. and re-reads :-)

@Dr Dog
Wow. Much better, eh?

I like the version in your post right above this one. Without the weird formatting.