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05-26-2014, 03:55 AM | #1 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899403 |
Week 14 championship: 1. Cereal_Killa (4-1) vs. 2. Johnathan Mercy (4-2) \\ Cereal_Killa wins 6-2
Season 3 The Basics | Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic “I'm concerned about people being happy.” — Matt Stone Good luck, @Cereal_Killa and @Johnathan Mercy.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
05-29-2014, 05:07 AM | #2 |
Licking Lily's..
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 706
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Champed - Art of Writing League
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Topic: “I'm concerned about people being happy.” — Matt Stone
The Single Cant’alope .. I am a tax ride off A taxidermist’s hide A social parasitic disease One of a kind I am burrowed paraphernalia Swallowed inside Decompressing myself, waiting to die and then I was born .. Dirt; amongst most things, courses the canvas I dance with On madness unanswered, I nurture a virtue with few chances Of future worth and purpose that hurdle in an insolvent hole of inertia These volcanic serges now circle my scenery of soon to be certain exertion Though surrendering all option’s seems as organic as monopoly I micro manage in a silent rice field of dreams.. properly Told if I sew I can plough, If I plough I can sift, If I sift I can sit Away from all of this shit As the formation of fountains litter freedom that I can’t taste I slave as a creature on a continuous loop that won’t break My nights have been structured 1 step, rice 2 step, rice 3 step, sigh 4th step-rice I slump and fluster in punctured time from a cluster fuck of lies I’m pretty sure this will never cure my cancer .. Socialism; I’m married to it amongst a chariot of god complexes From a Christian dictatorship in a Buddhist Monastery of connections Married, married to it like a Hindu or Muslim contract in sex Arranged for sodomy and set for slaughter is the impression I get Underneath the transparent shell of each grain I meld I feel I have fell victim and become the cancer itself I’m bleeding out into the dreams I sew, through an enema of disease seeding As if the sickle was the drawstring aborting my own stream of being when a man subtly approaches with an inscription I now have to learn English I found my first black rice ..
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You think YOU'RE sick
I shit cough drops .. Last edited by Cereal_Killa; 05-30-2014 at 03:42 AM. |
05-30-2014, 07:20 PM | #3 |
Hyphenated
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: The Black Lodge
Posts: 79
Battle Record: 7-8
Rep Power: 549509 |
“I'm concerned about people being happy.” — Matt Stone
Plotting The Soul Let's investigate our collective depression; our connected pretensions and unreflected attention to pseudo-ethical questions dissected in essence - by pessimist skeptics in executive sessions; esoteric formations in effective possession of uncontested discretion to detonate weapons heretics developing prejudice malignantly - to negative infinity through arithmetic progression that renders us lesser - It activates something - a rapid and sudden genetic regression in us irrational, puzzled, panicky, jumpy anthropomorphic, cannabis-muddled vanity-governed, outstandingly stubborn - psychotically affable monkeys and addicts of comfort A mental obsession... that expands in us lovely - literal motherfuckers and masochist munchkin I should mention it: we've made several attempts at this The extensive endeavors of clergymen and mentalists who penned directives for tempering the elements for contention with, the most rebellious of elephants and left us in the blue like suit-less spacemen - extracting crude equations from the memory of skeletons Weightless: wasted movement moving wasted - using elusive gestures as communication with sooty lanterns for illumination - stumbling in a humid Hades of muted stasis enumerating our hallowed trials - classifying hallucinations in acts of repudiation - We're given basis spiritual dilatation leaving wills degraded come for liberation from this simulation and stay a life because of the implication I see facefuls of dead nerves and irregular surfaces: Primates sustaining a commendable murder rate as long as their directors don't render them purposeless - and throw their senses of self into temporal furnaces fleetingly unfeeling for whatever sequence of upheavals - vetoing provisions of their bread and their circuses I see these feeble bipedal creatures in cathedrals swaying en masse to the deceitful and cerebral unique and unequaled procedures of their egos (...I mostly worry about people being people) Last edited by Three-Planes-Aligned; 05-30-2014 at 07:30 PM. |
05-31-2014, 05:47 AM | #4 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
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- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
Rep Power: 9946446 |
Merc and ck, dope battle,I enjoyed both.
Merc went deep, essentially talking shit about humans in general. You did something I noticed and loved, when you made a list of horrible shit only subtle,with flow and enjoyable content. us irrational, puzzled, panicky, jumpy anthropomorphic, cannabis-muddled vanity-governed, outstandingly stubborn - psychotically affable monkeys and addicts of comfort A mental obsession... that expands in us lovely - literal motherfuckers and masochist munchkin Now, I like this because it gives you way to use different words in rhyme, as these are not complete sentences. What I disliked was the "in" just before quoted section. I thought using the run on sentence was rather lazy, even though it was followed but fire, and I'm sure you tried to adjust our fix it. Maybe not. If so, you failed, again followed but fire though. Enjoyed verse and take on topic,maybe even lack there of. You essentially changed the topic, or at the very least used it as a blanket statement instead of literal. Either way good shit faggot. Ck. "write off " bro. I took this as a open face book. I pictured a old Asian man literally working the fields. "if I sift I sit" culminated some powerful imagery and emotion as you had me imagining the joy a slave would get being able to sit and work. I did not however, like the connection to topic. To me,you detailed the trials of a rice picking slave, then in the end another man found the rare black rice. For me,if you would have expressed the dudes happiness in finding the kernel the take on topic would be salvageable. In the end, I just think Merc had the better verse. Ck's left me feeling a bit empty, like you explained something but there was no finisher in terms of high or low emotion. Just ended with another man being lucky. Where Merc had a massive amount of content hating on my brothers.
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR |
05-31-2014, 11:37 AM | #5 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
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Rep Power: 49604317 |
CK - Interesting use of advanced wording and eccentric subject matter. The way I was interpreted this was that a Chinese rice paddy worker aspires to move to the UK or the US but he has cancer so he can't. Another worker comes to him and shows him his own progress since he intends to immigrate. The discovery of black rice could be the omen he was so desperately looking for, while the first worker is destined to deal with monotony while others reap the happy seeds of life abroad. I thought it was a good verse but I desired a stronger dosage of character identity and less ambiguity with the ending inscription.
Jonathan Mercy - I liked this less than your other pieces you've written for this league for two reasons: 1. It was too mechanical and lacked personable energy due to the heavy technical language, terms. 2. Writer vs. Corrupted and Confused Religious Zealots wasn't the most refreshing approach you could've taken. I thought it was written well and it rhymed in stellar fashion but it wasn't anything captivating. I enjoyed CK's more this week. It felt too...psychiatric evaluation for me, and while it's worthy of further analysis, it didn't have a pronounced entertainment value, which matters IMO. My vote goes to CK. |
05-31-2014, 08:43 PM | #6 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 502
Battle Record: 33-12
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Kind of like a monologue from JM, didn't enjoy the preachy tone. Each sentence is very short and there are not that many words in between the rhyming phrases, but it was effective because the rhyming phrases didn't seem awkward or unnatural. For CK it's interesting and part of its appeal comes from the ambiguity. It would be nice to have a more cohesive thread throughout, some more concrete themes tying it all together, something that I can pinpoint like 'this was about such and such a thing.' Maybe that would simplify it and it would lose some of its mystique/effectiveness. Not sure. Voting for CK.
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06-01-2014, 05:46 PM | #7 |
‹^›ô¿ô‹^›
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Cereal Killa - i was intrigued by the entire piece. especially the title. i almost want to say its about the rice itself. favorite lines..
Dirt; amongst most things, courses the canvas I dance with On madness unanswered, I nurture a virtue with few chances Of future worth and purpose that hurdle in an insolvent hole of inertia and this felt particularly strong.\/ Underneath the transparent shell of each grain I meld I feel I have fell victim and become the cancer itself perhaps its rice being sold to an English speaking country? either way, i did spend some time trying to figure it out. so you did your job effectively. nice verse. Johnathan Mercy - so we're depressed because of our tendency to think too much. those in power of our military (detonate weapons..?) instigate prejudice in citizens.. ok you're jumping around a bit and didn't really give me enough to grasp ahold of. i'm sitting here trying to decipher something which in my opinion, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. i enjoyed many of your phrases and the mechanics of your piece were entertaining. liked this .. I should mention it: we've made several attempts at this The extensive endeavors of clergymen and mentalists getting coherent there. appreciate that, and enjoyed attempts-at-this/mentalists. clever. the last stanza is stellar. i especially enjoyed this bit.. as long as their directors don't render them purposeless - and throw their senses of self into temporal furnaces fleetingly unfeeling for whatever sequence of upheavals - vetoing provisions of their bread and their circuses I see these feeble bipedal creatures in cathedrals nice rhymes/layout, also good content. overall the piece in it's entirety adhered to cynical tone. I appreciate that this is very strong topical, but it didn't leave as much to the imagination as it demonstrated your mechanical aptitude. which is quite good, if I may. i'm not one to appreciate filler, but structure can be necessary to give the reader a more enjoyable experience. this i felt you lacked. /v Cereal Killa was more entertaining in this battle. I say so because I was left wanting to understand, rather then.. feeling compelled to decipher. although mercy showcased his rhymes, I wasn't drawn in to his verse as much as CKs. very close match. |
06-01-2014, 09:11 PM | #8 |
decept the con
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 126
Battle Record: 2-2
Rep Power: 0 |
CK - I have to be honest... I greatly enjoyed reading this verse but I did not at all understand what the fuck was going on until I read the other votes.. I then went back and re-read it.. I still don't quite understand the opening stanza, but when I got to:
Dirt; amongst most things, courses the canvas I dance with On madness unanswered, I nurture a virtue with few chances Of future worth and purpose that hurdle in an insolvent hole of inertia These volcanic serges now circle my scenery of soon to be certain exertion Though surrendering all option’s seems as organic as monopoly I micro manage in a silent rice field of dreams.. properly Told if I sew I can plough, If I plough I can sift, If I sift I can sit Away from all of this shit The story started to come together. The use of imagery I thought was spot on with what you were trying to convey and I felt the defeat in it's tone. Merc - This rang similar in terms of the feeling of failure with more anger tones. Interesting take on the topic.. I struggled to find a story, but I did enjoy the message and the opening bar was exact in identifying the spirit of the piece.. I just wish I could have seen more or gone on a journey with your characters.. Let's investigate our collective depression; our connected pretensions and unreflected attention V - CK |
06-01-2014, 11:56 PM | #9 |
The Throne, The Crown
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2,667
Battle Record: 21-35
Rep Power: 1932960 |
CK, love the poetic, emotional tone of your story this week. It was written beautifully. Very easy to read through. Very strong imagery but I think your terminology really helped bring everything out clearly. Very deep concept, almost got lost through first read through. I think sometimes you write these amazing pieces but the concept is suppressed beneath all the writing and people can't really decipher what it's about, and really that was the issue for me, but I started to piece together a sort of clear picture of where you were going and the meaning you wanted to display. JM, kind of surprised here, because you have been hot these past couple weeks, and in this champ match, I was expecting the great rhyming and a cool lil story. You really went mechanical in this one. It reads like a basic topical piece. The rhyming was good, but its very hard to really take something out of your piece because it reads to me like a bunch of cool terminologies strung together but the message or meaning you'd want to give out was stuffed behind it. So like CK, where his message got lost behind all the poetry, descriptions, yours is stuffed behind good rhyming. While I understood the point you made, there wasn't much life in your piece, the content wasn't really intriguing. Was expecting more, but maybe the topic wasn't really hitting for you this week, which would be understandable.
Two well written pieces here, probably not one of the better champ match ups this season. I thought JM would come out swinging but his piece lacked any real content, but I get the feeling he probably couldn't come up with something this week. CK had a beautifully written piece. Deep conceptually, and a soft poetic-like touch. He takes it this week for me. MVGT: Cereal_Killa. Good job by both competitors.
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Vetwork, bitches.
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06-01-2014, 11:59 PM | #10 |
native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
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3 - crazy dense with rhyme schemes. my main qualm was that not much was developed beyond the language and wording. it was a very aesthetically pleasing read but there the final stanza (which was great) sort of was a tl;dr of the whole piece, a lot of redundancy in the meat of the piece. as playoffs approach perhaps trade in those assaulting schemes for more substance
ck - original piece, compelling wording. the story progressed more than threeps, while i liked his flows alot more i think i got more out of reading your piec than his v - cereal |
06-02-2014, 12:40 AM | #11 |
V.V
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C_K- I'm fairly sure this piece is analogous to our lives of ant farm monotony. Very strong literal concepts throughout. However, almost every aspect can be applied to our beliefs in the American Dream and the worldwide old time notion of what rewards hard work is due to reap once we've done it long enough. Though, for most of us, we constantly see the lucky ones make it with no such effort. It's depressing. All in all, I love what I think this verse stands for and I believe you nailed all parts of this , but what was conveyed by the topic itself. The notion of enjoying the thought of others being happy. This was more in the vein of much a do about nothing? Like, we work so hard, only to see others get ahead? Either way, dope piece.
JM- What I believe was said here was along the lines of we're corralled into a belief system of what is supposed to make us happy. A system governed by the government and religion. If this is a spot-on assumption, I will say (aside from the obnoxiously rigorous rhyming) I really liked how this panned out. It definitely took some paying attention to and it really spotlighted a lot of the common societal thought process in regards to what is projected over media through government, religion and just the whole media engine as a whole. We're controlled by what we are tricked into thinking is popular belief until it IS popular belief. This shit goes back, obviously to the crusades, town cryers, the tyranny of monarchies etc. Imo this was dope. I think that ending line was more than appropriate btw. To me this was a terrific showing from both contenders. The content was thick, and for me, this was hard to decide. I'm a huge fan of conspiracy theory-esque stuff and I feel JM bordered that. The rhyming was excessive, but it was clearly impressive. MVGT JM.
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