Hi...

zygote · 12-21-2013, 11:00 PM

Must agree with the others, it is overly wordy. Some parts were good though, like; ""Don't know what you saying" remarks are insolent
So I protect my game with sodium silicate." Overall, it seems to be just a bit of awkward sentence structure here and there. I am going to take a wild guess and say you are from Scandinavia. This line was odd but also funny in its own way " My shit stay nice like zoo elephant's decadent excrements." Good effort, perhaps just a simple alteration to sentence structure can assist.

12-21-2013, 11:00 PM	#1
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Must agree with the others, it is overly wordy. Some parts were good though, like; ""Don't know what you saying" remarks are insolent So I protect my game with sodium silicate." Overall, it seems to be just a bit of awkward sentence structure here and there. I am going to take a wild guess and say you are from Scandinavia. This line was odd but also funny in its own way " My shit stay nice like zoo elephant's decadent excrements." Good effort, perhaps just a simple alteration to sentence structure can assist.