deadman: Nirvonnegut

Certain · 11-15-2013, 11:33 AM

The past few verses have been so scatter-brained. I think you can hone your lyricism more tightly. I'm sure others disagree. I don't mean writing one-topic lectures. I mean developing thoughts even in a more abstract, floating piece. I loved this line: "prayer is simple. atheism aims to make you decide." But that thought felt incomplete. Yes, it ties into the lines before and after, but they're not about that thought. They're about that general concept.

You're at an elite level and will draw earned praise for anything you write at this point. It was good, maybe even great for what it was. But as a matter of preference — and that's what this is — I look for linear thought.

11-15-2013, 11:33 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	The past few verses have been so scatter-brained. I think you can hone your lyricism more tightly. I'm sure others disagree. I don't mean writing one-topic lectures. I mean developing thoughts even in a more abstract, floating piece. I loved this line: "prayer is simple. atheism aims to make you decide." But that thought felt incomplete. Yes, it ties into the lines before and after, but they're not about that thought. They're about that general concept. You're at an elite level and will draw earned praise for anything you write at this point. It was good, maybe even great for what it was. But as a matter of preference — and that's what this is — I look for linear thought. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.