deadman: Nirvonnegut
 

dear diary:


i'm pathologically scarred. mommy issues and a father afar
stop to recall, deep thought between each shot at the bar
composite bizarre - Kurt Nirvonnegut, pause - Mr. misanthropic noir
zombie apocalypse pawn turned neurotic topical star
i've accomplished it all. top of the charts. Raekwon with a dart
when i'm not even focused i'm an unconscious assault
slug swallowing salt, bionic results. Dr. Ockward at heart
spin revolver cylinders as symbiotical parts
Martin Scorsese the sequence. rearrangement, deletion
change as the seasons do. someone gave me a secret
paid me to keep it. I held it in like passive aggressiveness
let it fuel like Acura engines. so erratic the sentences
master malevolent. gas-can to capitol entrances
cancer isn't killing us. it's taxes and prejudice
animal mechanism, alpha-wolfhound, eyes of a dragon
gray steel like metal jackets on a silent assassin
try to imagine - close friends and Vicodin. so it goes
lie in a mattress. close your eyes. die of an overdose
overcoats and services, slow mourning to cry
we're all kids in business casual. see: lord of the flies
cotton-picking porn and chicken, bored into rhyme
endorphins arise like Borgore after snorting a line
aMorpheus prime example of distortion refined
into gorgeous design. rolls royce and porsches to drive
swordsman, the Sai bandit, hanging corpses to dry
like ornaments high on pine monuments, all orphans aside
organisms orbiting sky. procreating, alive
prayer is simple. atheism aims to make you decide
savior divine. grapes for the wine, dinner table at five
bagels are fine - the real question here is: raisin or rye?







- DAN DEMA

Such smoothness of vocab amd eloquence. Conceptually superior

I can give no higher praise than your whole verse made me say *why didnt I think of that?*

black>

Borgore was siiiiiiiiiick live.

This was dope. Whole thing quotables.

We just need a Black D section to file his gems in..?

i was actually going to send this one your way @The Mind Assassin. but then i forgot and posted it. so it goes

wise i bet that would be a great show. i know you were faced as fuckkkk in there

Cool portmanteau. I'll feed this after work.

my highlights;

"stop to recall, deep thought between each shot at the bar
composite bizarre - Kurt Nirvonnegut, pause - Mr. misanthropic noir"

I thought the opening line (the line prior to the first line in the quote) was interesting but relatively perfunctory. It didn't have the unique wording you usually have once you gain steam, although the use of 'mommy' issues as opposed to mother was a nice writing touch. These two lines transitioned straight into vintage Black. The first is a line people try to write all the time but either get too verbose or can't nail down the point, and something that seemingly comes to you with ease. The second is three descriptions saying the same thing but with such unique wording and phrasing that it's completely unique. It's a quick hitter in terms of rhymes but it doesn't seem cluttered; there's only a syllable, if that, between each rhyme but somehow, someway, the way you write allows each thought to breathe enough to make it flow so well.

"zombie apocalypse pawn turned neurotic topical star"

I liked the self-awareness and borderline pejorative use of 'star'. This is almost self-deprecating. You know you're probably the best on the site but juxtaposing 'topical' with 'star' (there's no real fame on netcees) was choice.

"try to imagine - close friends and Vicodin. so it goes
lie in a mattress. close your eyes. die of an overdose"

Included the first line simply because it sets up the second. The second line is just top notch wording and phrasing, with a point. I'm probably not even describing it well. It's just so matter of fact and present tense. Punctuation was key as well.

"overcoats and services, slow mourning to cry
we're all kids in business casual. see: lord of the flies"

I just really enjoyed a colon employed so well in an Open Mic. It helped the flow and pacing and wasn't out of place at well.

"cotton-picking porn and chicken"

Cool.

"organisms orbiting sky. procreating, alive"

Very incisive and demeaning to all the machinations of life. Cuts to the basis of everything. Again, someone else could write a line resembling this and it wouldn't be dope, not that the thought isn't. But your execution, flow, rhythm, and rhymes make it all come together in eureka moments like this line.



The whole piece was great, just picked out my favorite portions. I'm not going to try and parse out some overall meaning. I read your pieces for the isolated thoughts and morsels to chew on entrenched in your flawless 'mechanics', although it's a bit reductive to call your elegant and fluid approach to technique as mechanics.

I didn't like the use of passive aggressiveness. It seemed a bit too verbose for where you put it, and a bit un-Black for an ending phrase. That's my only complaint, really. Also, this seemed a bit more like a B-Side for you. It was still Black, with all the things associated with that, but I think it's on the lower rung of your recent string of drops in the Open Mic (A.Madden, Ropes, Genesis Gray). Not an insult, but I preferred those a bit to this.

^ i agree; it was a cool portmanteau.

Yeah, this was a run-on quotable

That was my favorite part

Craziness

@Void

i wrote that last line for you, chump

drop links if you want to be serviced guys.. i'll do my best

This was pretty dope, i can see why someone would think we had a close flow
I always feel somewhat inspired when I read one of your pieces, then I feel...
I don't know the right word right now, maybe it's...tickled? yea...I feel tickled
it makes me giggle knowing how dope you are and how much progress you make
each and every drop seems to be a different stepping stone to what you are working towards
a dope, progressive, something something, something, I forgot what I was going to say
but I always feel like your use of words is beyond most, and it's always a pleasure seeing how you use them
nice work B.D.

Kurt Vonnegut, there's no better way to feel nirvana.

You're a great writer, but you also can be a great thinker. Why are you so opposed to developing those thoughts?

Thanks man. Elaborate?

The past few verses have been so scatter-brained. I think you can hone your lyricism more tightly. I'm sure others disagree. I don't mean writing one-topic lectures. I mean developing thoughts even in a more abstract, floating piece. I loved this line: "prayer is simple. atheism aims to make you decide." But that thought felt incomplete. Yes, it ties into the lines before and after, but they're not about that thought. They're about that general concept.

You're at an elite level and will draw earned praise for anything you write at this point. It was good, maybe even great for what it was. But as a matter of preference — and that's what this is — I look for linear thought.

cancer isn't killing us. it's taxes and prejudice
animal mechanism, alpha-wolfhound, eyes of a dragon
gray steel like metal jackets on a silent assassin
try to imagine - close friends and Vicodin. so it goes
lie in a mattress. close your eyes. die of an overdose
overcoats and services, slow mourning to cry
we're all kids in business casual. see: lord of the flies

that spitfire.

dope as always man.
@Certain

I can't speak to what/how deadman writes but when I write I always write lines like that to make the reader think. You shouldn't always have to explain everything to the reader/listener and leave it to interpretation, such is spoken word/lyricism at its finest imho.

Woot

Kin the g

I miss when you would actually contribute creatively to these sites. You were one of my favorites to read at one point.