deadman: Nirvonnegut

[PancakeBrah]

my highlights;

"stop to recall, deep thought between each shot at the bar
composite bizarre - Kurt Nirvonnegut, pause - Mr. misanthropic noir"

I thought the opening line (the line prior to the first line in the quote) was interesting but relatively perfunctory. It didn't have the unique wording you usually have once you gain steam, although the use of 'mommy' issues as opposed to mother was a nice writing touch. These two lines transitioned straight into vintage Black. The first is a line people try to write all the time but either get too verbose or can't nail down the point, and something that seemingly comes to you with ease. The second is three descriptions saying the same thing but with such unique wording and phrasing that it's completely unique. It's a quick hitter in terms of rhymes but it doesn't seem cluttered; there's only a syllable, if that, between each rhyme but somehow, someway, the way you write allows each thought to breathe enough to make it flow so well.

"zombie apocalypse pawn turned neurotic topical star"

I liked the self-awareness and borderline pejorative use of 'star'. This is almost self-deprecating. You know you're probably the best on the site but juxtaposing 'topical' with 'star' (there's no real fame on netcees) was choice.

"try to imagine - close friends and Vicodin. so it goes
lie in a mattress. close your eyes. die of an overdose"

Included the first line simply because it sets up the second. The second line is just top notch wording and phrasing, with a point. I'm probably not even describing it well. It's just so matter of fact and present tense. Punctuation was key as well.

"overcoats and services, slow mourning to cry
we're all kids in business casual. see: lord of the flies"

I just really enjoyed a colon employed so well in an Open Mic. It helped the flow and pacing and wasn't out of place at well.

"cotton-picking porn and chicken"

Cool.

"organisms orbiting sky. procreating, alive"

Very incisive and demeaning to all the machinations of life. Cuts to the basis of everything. Again, someone else could write a line resembling this and it wouldn't be dope, not that the thought isn't. But your execution, flow, rhythm, and rhymes make it all come together in eureka moments like this line.



The whole piece was great, just picked out my favorite portions. I'm not going to try and parse out some overall meaning. I read your pieces for the isolated thoughts and morsels to chew on entrenched in your flawless 'mechanics', although it's a bit reductive to call your elegant and fluid approach to technique as mechanics.

I didn't like the use of passive aggressiveness. It seemed a bit too verbose for where you put it, and a bit un-Black for an ending phrase. That's my only complaint, really. Also, this seemed a bit more like a B-Side for you. It was still Black, with all the things associated with that, but I think it's on the lower rung of your recent string of drops in the Open Mic (A.Madden, Ropes, Genesis Gray). Not an insult, but I preferred those a bit to this.