Devil in the detail

[Split]

Love's best a past tense romance. Remember that.
Any ember fanned expands dreadfully; potential to entrance;

>Okay, I get the general message of this opener.. the second line was super weird for me. Dreadfully+ember+entrance used together like that seems stilted. It comes across as an over-complication without rhyming particularly well

A collapse as elegant as ever, scrap the leavening,
enhancing reverie like youth face against a window pane.

>Leavening? like margarine? also. not very clear how we're supposed to be reading this because of your bougie sentence structure. Is "enhancing" supoosed to be "enchanting"?

Vindicate your instincts. Stay in sync with the cyclic trite-ness.
Her shimmering vibrance. Its guidance reaching at horizons.

>this flowed better, but could've been broken up w/ commas cause its all a connected thought

(we'll sail to no avail). Such is life, a visceral vice grip.
Siphon substance from the Midas touch to ink wells.
Write a phrase. Scrap it, there's a devil in the details,
Better yet, split the hands webbings with epistles edge,
spread the fingers open, let them peel down the wrist in red.
Never bring her hell until it settles back to embers men.
repeat


>strong ending, especially bolded parts. lol wtf webbing? groce.


Cool piece... very heavy in symbolism and figurative language (I get the username now). But instead of being the apple that falls on Newton's head, Fig, it seems you dropped a dozen bushels on his dome and given him a Granny Smith tomb.

I mean, that's not to say I didn't get anything from this... it was just mad abstract and complex and there were a lotta places where I read a phrase and was like "thats straight up nonsense" and kept reading. If I had given this a 1 look-over idk if i wouldve left feed.

Sidenote on rhyming/ schemes... it looked like you were using exclusively phrases and language that could be easily rhymed, so you wouldn't get stranded... I'd just say don't worry about it that much. You can always go back and reword something or cut/ rearrange sections that feel weird. As long as they all make sense in context ur straight.

If you stick to a consistent cadence you can always link shit with consonance or whatever and it sounds just as good as internals/multis, if not better


ON THE POSITIVE SIDE

You have a shit-ton of vocab at your disposal, and you know how to use it and when to use it. Like, looking back "leavening" was used perfectly and so was the whole ink well/ epistle/ Midas touch/ visceral vice-grip chain of concepts.

Strong imagery, and sensory connections

It seems to me this was about conflicting perspectives, with your insight on it superimposed...

Like, you talk about cyclic-triteness. 'her shimmering vibrance'. The guidance of horizons. sailing without achieving anything.
Beauty is something to be admired and pursued, but is really fickle/ hard to have a relationship with.... and life is repetitive and boring when you're doing anything for a long time. So where do you draw the lines between actual beauty and man's glorification of whatever's available? Is it worth undertaking such a grand voyage when your destination is a constant mirage?

Your bit with the writing imagery and your placement of "the devil's in the details" harkens back to the idea of 'an ember fanned grows dreadfully' like the smallest bullet point can consume your existence, and give new life to something that has long simmered past. Man's desire for clarity, closure, definition.

This idea is melted down to something essentially human, both in the 'peeled down your wrist in red', and in the flip on your opener 'never bring her hell befor.. .embers' like misery loves company, and brings perspective back in again by being the negative version of the opening.


idk how to connect things more or less than that. but ive gotten to the point where. ithink i understand it, so im done lol.



youve got potential for sure. But you leave too much work for your readers. It was decent