self realization.

[Clayray]

I'm trying to hard to be complicated
in my verses
using words i don't use in person but
is it all worth it?
Hoping i can mimic the likes of dead
cake or vulgar
with my simple style i could crack a smile
on a dead faced solider.
Speaking with conviction to get the
point across
to me is better than renditions of
metaphors to solve
but i don't know it all.
I'ts seeming to me that i can write
absurd phrases
with no meaning & they'll look deeper
into it like "it's amazin"

like...like

I have brushes with death at least
twice a day
like novice hygienist using bleach for
tooth decay.
Rolling a blunt filled with reality so
could you face it?
i'm into making statements just
hoping that i make it.
I'm off crystal head looking to bag me
a top model
into getting bread & cracking skulls
like a dropped bottle

[big baby]

your similes need work, alot. and if this is loosely based about me, which i hope for your sake, it isn't- but if it isyou are clearly out of your element. but if you want i can make myself be the bad guy for your fragile ego and ill write worse than i have been so you think you have some sort of a ungodly chance against me. if this is about someone else, then my resolution stays the same, except im not them and i can't behave as if i were.

see, lol. when you tried mimicking it was horrible. you had no connotation and no connection. the brush of death was absolutely horrible metaphor and although you can see what the writer is doing, when you tried mimicking - it was bad. real bad. these are commonly placed rookie similes - ones that anybody could do by simple connecting a similar additive in things by using a seemingly commonplace phrasing like 'brush of death', and if you're going for the satirical-make-fun-of theme, you did bad here. you got your point across but did so with bad writing (as we're used to from you, but this isnt meant to be hurtful) when i copy writers i can do so, and i have done so very accurately, without anybody noticing. in fact there are times where i do so, and have done so to this day where authors dont realize (thanks to the people im mimicking) that they let me refine my craft by pretending to be them. Yes. I have copied many people here and postd on their names, because they let me. And people have commended those verses, because they thought it was them, and at times a better version of them. so remedial tiny, useless ass remarks like these don't ever bother me. or when other writers target me because they dont like my persona, or are trying to downplay how good i am - i ignore it. because i already know they know im good. not think - know. i know you, that you know that im a good writer. i know this. the whole board knows this. when they say i suck, it's fine. i don't mind. i am confident in my ability to out-write anybody. im sure others have the same feeling. but i just know it- as ive proved over and over again. but getting back to the topic, the subject matter here is ok. you can improve if you take away your knack of trying to sound good or whatever. be yourself and accept your shitty flaws, because here you are aiming to be volatile and slightly humorous at the expense of your already below average writing acumen. i can help you if you're serious, but until then, good day, sir.

[Clayray]

i wasn't trying to mimic anyone here? you've looked too deep bb.

proving my point.

it's like when you're in english class reading a book and the teacher ask "now why did the author have blue drapes in the house? was it to signify sadness, depression?"

thats when i stand up and yell "NO BITCH HE JUST WANTED THE FUCKIN DRAPES BLUE STFU"

not everything has a underlying tone jesus fuck guys.

the whole point of this is that with other times i've wrote i always tried to hard to be something i'm not. and whats the point?

[big baby]

Originally Posted by Woosah

i wasn't trying to mimic anyone here? you've looked too deep bb.

proving my point.

it's like when you're in english class reading a book and the teacher ask "now why did the author have blue drapes in the house? was it to signify sadness, depression?"

thats when i stand up and yell "NO BITCH HE JUST WANTED THE FUCKIN DRAPES BLUE STFU"

not everything has a underlying tone jesus fuck guys.

the whole point of this is that with other times i've wrote i always tried to hard to be something i'm not. and whats the point?

well you need work. because ive never even though you were close to cake, dead or vulgar, or even thought you were mimicking them. and it just so happens i wrote a piece giving these writers credit (not vulgar). so forgive me about the timing.

[Clayray]

Originally Posted by big baby

well you need work. because ive never even though you were close to cake, dead or vulgar, or even thought you were mimicking them. and it just so happens i wrote a piece giving these writers credit (not vulgar). so forgive me about the timing.

i admit i need work, but its like my brain shuts off when i look at a piece of paper, idk what words to use or even what direction i want to go.

i'm basically rhyming words and then mushing dumb shit inbetween them.

help me @big baby help me pls :-(

[big baby]

Originally Posted by Woosah

i admit i need work, but its like my brain shuts off when i look at a piece of paper, idk what words to use or even what direction i want to go.

i'm basically rhyming words and then mushing dumb shit inbetween them.

i know exactly how bad you suck. i am going to be harsh, but fair.
worry about content, dont worry about rhyming. then pm me what you have. make sure to include detail, but don't strain it or make it corny. make it from the heart. feel free to use a thesaurus. but don't rhyme. and try to end these thoughts incompletely. like

sometimes I look at the moon when its <

incomplete. that's what i want

remember what type of things you were feeling when you wrote about the moon, and keep in mind things you want to say. make it shorter than you'd usually do, but make it respectable. think of words, and adjectives. and try to use differently formulas. don't do this >

sometimes i
something i feel
sometimes

etc etc.

dont do that. think of ways to expand and what you're trying to say. it's to sound less monotone and keep the reader intrigued like

when i look at the moon, it's light captures my daze >
with a jumpstart of reflection off the suns infecting amorous ways

simple. and quick. sometimes i understand what you say when you 'try' to mash. dont do that. keep in mind what you're saying and use context to guide the reader. I want 20 of these sentences with incomplete thoughts pmed to me. i will make you better than @PancakeBrah by next year.

[Clayray]

Originally Posted by big baby

i know exactly how bad you suck. i am going to be harsh, but fair.
worry about content, dont worry about rhyming. then pm me what you have. make sure to include detail, but don't strain it or make it corny. make it from the heart. feel free to use a thesaurus. but don't rhyme. and try to end these thoughts incompletely. like

sometimes I look at the moon when its <

incomplete. that's what i want

remember what type of things you were feeling when you wrote about the moon, and keep in mind things you want to say. make it shorter than you'd usually do, but make it respectable. think of words, and adjectives. and try to use differently formulas. don't do this >

sometimes i
something i feel
sometimes

etc etc.

dont do that. think of ways to expand and what you're trying to say. it's to sound less monotone and keep the reader intrigued like

when i look at the moon, it's light captures my daze >
with a jumpstart of reflection off the suns infecting amorous ways

simple. and quick. sometimes i understand what you say when you 'try' to mash. dont do that. keep in mind what you're saying and use context to guide the reader. I want 20 of these sentences with incomplete thoughts pmed to me. i will make you better than @PancakeBrah by next year.

you got it. appreciate you doing this even though you don't have too & i'll PM them tonight, i'm getting ready for work now an won't get off ti'll about 11

[Scripter]

haters gonna hate lol
keep writing your deep verses...
don't expect peons to interpret everything you write, best advice I can give you. .l.
always write for yourself. If your writing for others your doing it for the wrong reason lol

[Scripter]

Originally Posted by Woosah

i admit i need work, but its like my brain shuts off when i look at a piece of paper, idk what words to use or even what direction i want to go.

i'm basically rhyming words and then mushing dumb shit inbetween them.

help me @big baby help me pls :-(

learn to freestyle lol

[Pharaohs Army]

Originally Posted by StepTo.

..i'm basically rhyming words and then mushing dumb shit inbetween them.

i've been doing this on the last couple things i've posted here on Open Mic. trust me, it's not a bad place to start. you just have to hopefully turn "dumb shit" into "clever shit" or "interesting shit" or "funny shit" or "sad shit" or "intriguing shit"... get it? basically turn the dumb shit into something that makes a reader feel, think, or react.

oh; and the rhymes have to be good.

i'm not saying that i pulled it off, or that it's easy. just trying to help.

[NYCSPITZ]

Don't listen to Bb

He's a pretty bad writer and a human failure

[N10tionalMalice]

I enjoyed this, not incredibly creative and punchlines were kinda weak but I actually enjoyed most of the wordplay and tought your word choices were the most creative part...u can tell u have a lot of potential just a little rough around the edges, but u understand flow which is more than I can say for some, including myself at times...anyway newb here and just wanted to let u know what I thought...6.5/10, but I feel u couldve really killed it with this subject matter, so keep after it and start drooping some jaws bro cuz I think u def have it in u...maybe start coming up with ur punchlines first and then piece in lines that lead to it, sometimes that helps me when Im stuck, its a lot easier to bridge the punchlines together, than it is to try and come up with a punchline to go with something, imo...hope this helps, but def get ur shovel and dig deep!