Week 3 - patrown v Storyteller - S WINS

[zygote]

Challenge League contest page

Submissions are due WEDNESDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
Extensions are due THURSDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
You must vote on at least 3 other battles, for every absent vote, you will be deducted one vote next week.

Voting ends Sunday at 11:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

WEEKLY MEMO : Greetings competitors, we move to the most open-ended challenge of the league. HYPOTHETICAL COLLABORATION WEEK, each contest will be provided with 1 hyperlink to an open mic page. You are required to write in response to your hyperlink. As compensation for the nature of the topics (and the cries of “the voters didn’t understand it!”) you have the option to include a concise explanation along with your submission this week. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

SPECIFIC WRITING TASK : (33 v 6) patrown v Storyteller. TASK: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6303

[Spoken]

Here

[patrown]

hi

[patrown]

i'm going to need that extension, please.

[Spoken]

Sure I haven't written anything yet either....

[Spoken]

@patrown...



two sides to everything



Every weekend he'd spend skippin' rocks; treading the brim,
Lifeless he saw life less tippin' the odds, micromanaging sins.
The old with the new around seeping with potential indulgence,
apostle w/ his knees down; professional weeping for throats slit
.

"There goes anotha weekend i can't recall at all
The K2's got me dreamin & sleepin i'm noddin off
Thinknin of getttin money i'm dedicated to ball
Don't need no wishin well my misions don't fail at all
Got a goal in my mind, i'm tryna grab it.
but the money when i get it, i spend it to support a habit
i can't have it, thats not me. anyone tryna stop me
i'm poppin 3 and takin jewls but bitch i ain't no nazi.
whats not to see? don't mind me
rollin' with killas and alotta g's
pussy boys know where i be!
tell try to see and come find me."

Around the way homie strolling for a purpose to speak,
Parents controlling ...every moment never a solace to breath.
Hopeless with courage he felt worthless to seek,
Life was a circle; a virtue that death had solemnly weeped.

Thats the mind of little nigga whos father figure is outta the picture
simple rhymes for the little mind, who pushes real problems aside
take the raps out the box, out of the house nigga.
i'm a free man who rhymes & expands minds, you still a house nigga!
taking pills to forget whats really wrong.
listening to old eminem songs like, "This is the bomb!"

Depression has hit, the script had him rid of the brave,
That folded a soul molded with holes that was rotten; decayed.
He 's done- reflection left an intention to say,
He kept lying about subsiding of who he was till today.
Holding a future, the rubrics cooper of change,
Pushed him to put the mic in a air tight mass for display.

Live on!!!!

[patrown]

i see truth's gleam with new meaning every day
shining in hopeful eyes that once watched me wither away
any place is strange when steps fall on shaky ground
but each stride leads farther away, towards different sounds
like the phone ringing, friends bringing their kids
dinner served with salad, simple things. how families live.
little old ladies don't clutch their purses, shrink on sight
i'm amazed at some reactions now, disbelief turns proud delight
it's hard to hold a line when your busy chasing them with straws
and to speak a steady sentence with chattering, shifting jaws
it's a gift to your family, friends, and yourself most of all
when Mom can dial your number and hang up glad she called
it's hell on Earth to live in dirt before you fall
so most with stories to tell
are told by silent eyes that look through you
staring into each soul , searching for peace
a new you

[Brian Bryan]

Tough call.

patrown seemed pushed for time this week with the short drop, he's capable of so much more, keeping this so compact hurt him in the fact he didn't really give the opportunity to lengthen out the piece and expand upon the concept. he only touched on it with odd lines, more so towards the last 4 or 6 in this piece, but I felt he could have expanded on that and furnished it further. The opener was a really good couplet, I liked the contrast, always been a fan of that, the guy is very capable I just feel like he let himself down this week by keeping it so abrupt. It feels incomplete almost which is a shame because i enjoyed where he was going with it.

Storyteller had the more fleshed out piece, the lyrics from the original drop being used almost to portray the lyrics of his main character and the thugged out lifestyle he wasn't leading, was a good choice, complete twist on the original effort and I liked that he attempted something so creative - turning the original upside down and going a different angle with it. It was an innovative touch and you played to it well, built up the character nicely, and while i'm usually a fan of the anti-hero almost in pieces - It's good to see one with a happy ending occasionally rather than the mundane inevitable death or suicide of someone that most Open Mic pieces have these days haha!

All in all, I expected more from patrown, I think the original wasn't the greatest thread to give two guys to 'collab' with in fairness to them both, and both struggled. patrown kept his supershort which hurt him IMHO, Storyteller attempted something different, thought outside the box, used what he could to utilise building some story around it and for that I must give him my kudos, and the win this week. Keep those pens moving!

Vote - Storyteller

[Flow]

Ok so hard one for you to both go off. On my phone so let me keep this short.

Story came with a brave attempt to play this like a story using the little he had available and had some dope flow, nice schemes and strong content.

Pat felt you matched him in flow, your rhymes scheme was a bit simplistic in places with some predictable end rhymes and the content and feel of this drop just... No offence bored me a bit. No surprises,nothing fresh. I can tell you have the skills at your disposal just perhaps wasn't your week.

Vote story

[Adonis]

I'm going to give this to Teller although I wasn't fond of either. Both seemed rushed, although teller had better schemes as far as flow. Neither story was very deep or anything and I blame that on the awful topic given. All in all story's entire verse to me was just slightly better IMO.

[Certain]

Storyteller: This was OK. In concept, it was pretty strong, turning fake thuggery into, well, fake thuggery. I liked that you used the interplay with the verse to show the contrast. But there wasn't enough to your actual verse. I mean, 10 lines simply isn't enough to flesh out a full character.

patrown: I feel like your verse had a rather strong disconnect from the challenge verse. It didn't work really at all together beyond the title, and even that you flipped. Still, you could have overcome that with a strong verse. Instead, it felt sort of fragmented. Your writing talent was clear on a few your lines, but the piece never gained any momentum because of its brevity. I thought you had an interesting concept, the recovery of an addict, but then didn't really go anywhere with it.

Vote: Storyteller

[Objective]

Storyteller: First off I must give you props for how you handled the trask. That was a really creative and effective way of going at it. Well done. Your piece as a whole holds up as well and I think you might be the one that truly accomplished the task this week. Enjoyed the back'n'forth kinda shit you were doing and the message of your piece comes across easilly with a decent enough flow, nothing crazy in terms of rhymeschemes but it wasn't really needed either. Dope shit.

Patrown: Short and sweet verse for sure. I could see how it correlated with the task given as well, not as clearly as to how Storyteller executed it but it did what it was supposed to, so no points deducted there. The closure of your verse wrapped it up as well and you and Storyteller was about even when it comes to flow etc. as well.

Vote: Storyteller. Short battle, but it was still dope enough. Thought both verses was interesting and it's really cool to see how people approach the task this week. Keep it up and I'm looking forward to read more from both of ya.