CONFESS

[dead man]

/


i've been wishing for a perfect moment. maybe it's now
patient denial. sit in solitude and wait for a sound.
save me a smile for when it's over and we're back at the house
fight and claw then fuck so that it balances out
i feel manic one moment and then i'm somber the next
that center-point's the closest thing to God I've accepted
beautiful in hateful times, chaotic at best
slide 3 coins into the slot so i can call you collect
i've watched my circle turn to addicts, dealers and lawyers
as the drippy sun drops behind a field of sequoias
searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax
I'm centered, self-centrifugal and selfish at that
it takes a lot of chemicals to help me relax
self-awareness is the devil's romance, salty her flesh
summer dusk, graveyard passages. so foggy our breath
that it stuck to our exchanges as we talked of resent
until we reached the parking lot and parted. confess
your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost
like moldy bacterium on a cellular host
infection, she wrote. grab my wrist and check for a pulse
let the silence sink and watch me float..
i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
more alone than ever as they enter the door
lighter flame and bottle glass and trips to the store
sweating icy bullets as the temperature soars
betwixt our stories long-distorted like olympian lore
we fantasized in unison of treasures galore
bloodletter platelet perforation festering sores
moi cheri amore. i love you but there has to be more
comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment
necromantic my dossier, documental the curse
which is likely the reason i've never finished a verse





BLACK

[Mitch]

confess
your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost
like moldy bacterium on a cellular host
infection, she wrote. grab my wrist and check for a pulse
let the silence sink and watch me float..
i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
more alone than ever as they enter the door
lighter flame and bottle glass and trips to the store
sweating icy bullets as the temperature soars

awesome, i have a total boner

[oats]

I loved this verse, but also felt a little unsatisfied with it. Here's what I mean.

There are times when you not only say things, but rhyme them in a way that pinpoints my own thoughts and feelings better than I do, which I'm truly envious of. Lines like these:

i feel manic one moment and then i'm somber the next
that center-point's the closest thing to God I've accepted

searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks

self-awareness is the devil's romance

confess
your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost

i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
more alone than ever as they enter the door

comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment

^^all of these are lines that I wish I penned myself. Honest, insightful, and true to life in a way that's equally real and poetic.


On the other hand, there are moments when you jump from reflection to addressing someone that I don't like. The lines themselves are good, which is why they work in a way, but imo it crinkles the picture you're painting a bit. I see all of these verses as pretty interconnected, different meditations on death and our finite life (also the name of my blog HMMMMM), seeing it from different angles. To me, the disconnected, preoccupation in this verse is intentional because death is weighing on your mind amidst life flashing before you (you meaning the narrator, whether that's you or "you"). So we drop back in to real life every now and then just to drift away again - fighting with your chick, hanging with friends and bullshitting about the good ol days, all brings you/us back to the painful realization that death gets the final say. I get it (I think). I just wonder if there was a cleaner way to depict that, as opposed to breaking up the tangential thoughts with addressing these actual people/characters. Does that make sense?

I really do think you should combine all of these Dead Man verses into a chap book or collection somehow. the title of which could be "Dead Man" or something like that, with each verse a stage or chapter. It seems like these are all parts of a larger mosaic.

[veritas]

YOU HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS THAT EXPLAINS THE FEELINGS THAT PEOPLE FEEL AND YET ARE UNABLE TO USE WORDS TO EXPLAIN.

YOU ARE CRAFTY.

searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax
I'm centered, self-centrifugal and selfish at that
it takes a lot of chemicals to help me relax

THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE. PROPS SIR.

[Split]

searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax

wish I wrote that.

props.

[dead man]

:-D


D-:

[dead man]

pm me some lynx for returned feedback/votes

i will be away for the evening but tomorrow gon be that day

[NYCSPITZ]

Unstable smiley faces imo

[dead man]

Last ups..

[Clayray]

Wow man, I'm forever impressed with each drop I read from you.
Don't want to sound dickrider-ish though.
It's like you manipulate feelings and mush them down onto a paper
Great use of structure and flow.

1.

[CopyPat]

lol, although its dope you continue to do the same thing. what everybody always said to me about my "flexes"... haha.

i read this, i liked it. it was smooth and great but you've done this already.. alot
do something new black, its time!

the verse itself was stellar once again.. imagery, vocab, and as i always say a smooth easy read while still being complex lyrically.

but yeah the content could use a switch up bruhhhhhh

[dead man]

yea probably

thx man

[PancakeBrah]

Write about breakfast and dicks next time bro.

And copypat write about existential pain, lost lovers, and balsam trees

Freaky friday

[CopyPat]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

Write about breakfast and dicks next time bro.

And copypat write about existential pain, lost lovers, and balsam trees

Freaky friday

lmao. i don't write about dicks
maybe my own gets mentioned occasionally just for fun

breakfast on the other hand, now that's a topic!!! do it black

[theMuzzl3]

Originally Posted by dead man

/


slide 3 coins into the slot so i can call you collect

BLACK

you're whole thing was dope. I enjoyed it thoroughly... however this line makes me suggest:

the book of I Ching. You can find it online and roll the 3 coins virtually, but I don't think its the same as if you rolled them physically and had the book to note down when you (and others) hit those pages.

[sral]

Originally Posted by CopyPat

lol, although its dope you continue to do the same thing. what everybody always said to me about my "flexes"... haha.

i read this, i liked it. it was smooth and great but you've done this already.. alot
do something new black, its time!

the verse itself was stellar once again.. imagery, vocab, and as i always say a smooth easy read while still being complex lyrically.

but yeah the content could use a switch up bruhhhhhh

I'M ACTUALLY WITH YOU ON THIS, COPY


BLACK KNOWS LARS <3 HIM LONG TIME, BUT THIS IS WHAT WE WANT!