Cherry - Starring In "K2" 2014, episode 1

[Frank]

Cherry red blunts, illuminate the private lane of the dark alleyway like lasers ricocheting on turf.
Cause after a long day of work - me and my coworkers get into cipher circles rotating the earth.
Rachel says famously to Kurt:
"Ay you jerk...WTF's is we smoking?!!!" coughing crazy berserk
Looking up at the sky - as she lay in the dirt.
Twitching, uncontrollably shaking abrasively on the pavement - abrasions
She is in pain and she's hurt -
Rolling to the side of the blood stained curb, all her strength is exert,
The spinning and swaying the swirl
"Heyyyyy Are You Okay???" A dazed-concern penetrating her maze of murk like sun rays through lakes, submerged
Kurt goes straight for her purse.
Rachel's face amazingly jerks in a disarray of unnerved circuit breaking surge.
Violently blurting, jerking, gyrating, turnt:
WARNING The following images may disturb...
Turn away now if squeamish, or IF feelings of faintness occur

Rachels Eyeballs basically swirl going blank in a blur.
Cursing insanely absurd in another language that goes against everything they say in my church.

It ain't her...

Her mother answers the incoming call and hits the breaks in reverse.
Rachels brain has rotationally stirred to the point, her mind is a mush:
(Clay in terms of being able to shape it with words)
Her vertebrae is inwards, symmetrically she has been yanked into a curve,
Which has bended her out of shape and has made her a lurch.
Ms durst, (Rachels mom) is on her way - they say she's a nurse.
Rachel tells us "don't tell my mother I was blazing the purp"
She rearranges her skirt and cleans the gravel and soot off the stain on her shirt.
Her head had cracked open, from passing out after exhaling what was claimed to be herb.
Her body had decayed to a burnt out, grayish mutation observed,
Aching, with her toupee hanging off her head - she complained of pain as we prayed on the curb.

"What was in that J, Kurt?" he hid in the shade like some stowaway on the surf.
As the ambulance emerged at the scene, he might as well have walked her off a plank to her hearse.
Her tongue lazily slurps, as Kurt tries to explain to the detectives - as they brazenly search
(Maybe they sprayed the bouquet with raid and labeled it purp?)
"What's this in your ashtray?"
They confiscate a substance the dogs cannot trace, but it makes them alert

Rachel wastes away - weighing less and less until what remains is conserved.
Their friends say it smelled like burnt hay. But they smoked it anyway. And were shocked when they learned,
They were smoking K2. "JWH-018" - "like crank with some sherm"
Some of my other coworkers say it was superb but that's cause they're on probation with an urge
The store wouldn't exchange or reimburse the money and we heard the guy who betrayed the girl was chained up with a curse



The corruption of the best things give way to the worst

[ill nik-A]

Why are u so boring?

[dead man]

Lol at "starring in"

No

But i read this when you dropped it for the league. I though it was pretty entertaining for what it's worth.

[Just Write]

I read it

[Geno]

losing your touch?

[Wise Wiggles]

TLDR####

[PancakeBrah]

Originally Posted by Frank

Yo Break it down big poppa pump

Says the one word feed guy.

Lel







Did not read

[dead man]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

Says the one word feed guy.

Lel

my fucking exact thought. thank you.

[dead man]

but yea fuck it, i got you when i get home frank. i am in good spirits on this day.

[Frank]

Upwards, onwards

[PancakeBrah]

I take the good with the less good (not necessarily bad) when I read your verses.

Cherry red blunts, illuminate the private lane of the dark alleyway like lasers ricocheting on turf.
Cause after a long day of work - me and my coworkers get into cipher circles rotating the earth.

This opening was sick. The second line, in particular. The use of 'ciphers' in the context of a text rap site to describe a group huddling together was a nice touch. The first line was a good description, also. Your greatest strength is description. Specifically, giving life to scenes we all know. Everyone here can recall cigarette cherries in the dark. So for you to do so so uniquely turns the mundane into a eye-catching statement.

"Heyyyyy Are You Okay???" A dazed-concern penetrating her maze of murk like sun rays through lakes, submerged

Thought this line was particularly good. You set up the situation, her reaction to what she smoked. The idea of an overdose-like situation (although this wasn't an overdose just a horrible substance). This described the look you would imagine, and it's well put. You can see the 'there but not' gaze with this line.

WARNING The following images may disturb...
Turn away now if squeamish, or IF feelings of faintness occur

This relates not only to your writing but your posting as well. You're a good writer but your own confidence and self-assured self-promotion makes people think you're even better than you. This isn't meant to be an insult, it's a tangible skill. You know how to set a scene and build anticipation. This fourth-wall breaking type of stuff can be corny but you handled it well.

Cursing insanely absurd in another language that goes against everything they say in my church.

Nothing particular to say, just enjoyed this line.

The corruption of the best things give way to the worst

I liked the subtle implication that weed is one of the best things.

Rachels brain has rotationally stirred to the point, her mind is a mush:
(Clay in terms of being able to shape it with words)

I'm a sucker for parenthetical phrasing (specifically with parentheses) in text. I use the technique quite a bit when writing non-story/open mic/descriptive pieces.

Ms durst, (Rachels mom) is on her way - they say she's a nurse.

Same as above. You can convey and expedite things so well when you use this tool.

Rachel tells us "don't tell my mother I was blazing the purp"
(Maybe they sprayed the bouquet with raid and labeled it purp?)

I'll get to why this is jarring later but you re-using rhyming words is a greater distraction than if a more conventional writer would do it.

The store wouldn't exchange or reimburse the money and we heard the guy who betrayed the girl was chained up with a curse

Bad wording.

In regards to the 'purp' re-use criticism. Your hallmark is keeping a rhyme scheme for extreme lengths. You insist upon it. So when you re-use a rhyming word it defeats the purpose. When someone reads your pieces they are following two things; the narrative and the repeating scheme. You have a knack for storytelling, obviously, but these verses are also read for sport. So while I'm tracking the trials of your characters I'm also peeping how you're going to make your scheme work for the entire piece. So when I run into an obvious repeat it takes me out of it. It's almost like you're admitting you should start a new scheme but you're instead forcing the issue. That's why the 'fumble your nuker' line became a semi-meme on this site. If you predicate your style on carrying one scheme and then shoehorn the fuck out of something you'll get called on it. You deserve props for the degree of difficulty but if you subvert that very degree than what's the point?

In regards to nik saying your verses are boring, I can see his viewpoint. I disagree vehemently, but I can see why he says it. Specifically for this verse. I'm a big fan of writing about smaller situations, everyday interactions and microcosm moments. There's a real skill to it, and it can be more informative and telling than some grandiose tale. But to some it will come off as irrelevant.

Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Definitely not your best, but worth the read. I think your better stories have a little bit more action.

[Frank]

Wtf are you talkin' about??



Lol nah, good shit. Thxs

[Frank]

Upping.

[dead man]

frankly, i think you should work on dropping this compulsion to keep the same rhyme scheme for the entirety of your verses. its growing tiresome to read and what it manages to accomplish more than anything is restrict you in terms of any chance at honest expression or creative flexibility regarding rhyme-work. i understand the thrill of a challenge but you have nothing left to prove in that particular facet, even to yourself. what im interested in now is 1. something more introspective from you. a personal reflection. or 2. a very loosely worded flex verse that exercises pure content as opposed to allegiance to a particular rhyme slant.

as for this one, i really liked it. i think you chose something original and niche for the topic and although i never fucked with k2 or any of those concentrates when they were around (illegal in IL now, dunno about nationwide status) i have heard stories about them that sound more or less similar to the one you told here. people seem to experience highs more akin to a bad acid trip than anything. no thanks

the core idea was there but the execution was a bit lackluster. again, i believe the scheme nazism plays into this more and more as time goes on. but also because you jump from ideas that otherwise move in a very linear fashion. why is kurt in her purse? to steal from her or take her phone out to call her mom? i am left with plenty of similar questions about this. if he intended to rob her, this changes the whole tone of the verse to that end you know?

where you shined here was the creative and entertaining twist on the given topic. as well as you managed this verse, you could have done it even better if you cut yourself some slack.

thanks young pielanza




1

[Frank]

Kurts in the purse, to call the mom, or get the drugs, good question.

This is a personal reflection, as are all my writings.

I am never restricted.

Fore I am unlimited.

Thanks for reading.

[Frank]

Bump