I don't want to fight

[Witty]

Even the deepest of minds can find relief in a rhyme
This didn't start with rap, we are a people - aligned
Thru history, experience, passion and grief have combined
To ease the gnashing of teeth, and cease the lashings that beat
From behind the walls of deceit, installing release with a line
I hear the words call in my sleep, but I'm blind
When I'm awake, standing tall on my feet - it's a sign
Consciousness is overrated, dreams are where hope is naked
We see them bare, trying to breathe this air could choke the sacred
I'm a leader - scared, but with a potent cadence
Glowing - fragrant, trying not to grow impatient
Tho I feel like I'm dying, I'm sighing - and I'm so complacent
Overblown and blatant ego decodes the latent soul that's vacant
A little known aqquaintance from a different me that still exists
But is never seen, it's filled with mist, the lover who killed the kiss
It's smothered, I hid it away, so another instilled the bliss
My world is falling apart, and I'm calling it art
It isn't just writing, this is the pain forming a ball in my heart
Thoughts are swarming where the demons crawl, and it's dark
Sometimes I'm feeling tall, other times I'm weak and small
Smothered by a life that would make any other guy cease and fall
But I'm about to release the dog, I've just found the piece, the cog
To make this machine heave and cough, before it kicks into life
And recedes the smog, I'm leaping the tallest buildings in one bound
What's up now? Now that The King is back, your mouth is shut?
Wow...you spoke the loudest when my mind was full of clouds and stuff
But I get it, now that I'm out, it's tough...lil faggot, fucking powderpuff
I thought you might have something to say bitch, you run ur mouth enough
Now you're wandering about like 'fuck', I've got that thunderous clout
You aren't about nothing, you're a punk with a pout
See I can be the poet, the dumb guy, and the funny dude
But you'll know it when I run by, you're scum, you're food
Now I'm the reincarnated beast that carves hatred
Into these streets that bleed from scars; faded
Over the years, and sometimes when I'm sober the tears
Take me over, as I look to the sky when I'm alone and it's clear
Wishing for peace upon a star, or just a little piece of all the wealth
Because I don't want to fight anybody any longer...least of all myself.

[Dove Dozer]

this was pretty sick. flowed like butter man, I really enjoyed reading this, you should do audio

[Witty]

ehh, I dunno if I like it anymore.

[PancakeBrah]

Nice to see you writing. This was good, although it left me with some questions.

"Even the deepest of minds can find relief in a rhyme
This didn't start with rap, we are a people - aligned
Thru history, experience, passion and grief have combined
To ease the gnashing of teeth, and cease the lashings that beat
From behind the walls of deceit, installing release with a line
I hear the words call in my sleep, but I'm blind
When I'm awake, standing tall on my feet - it's a sign"

I didn't quite like the first line, just because of the 'even'. I think it's safe to assume a 'deep' mind or someone who classify themselves as having a 'deep mind' would be more prone to find relief in writing, which 'even' throws off a bit. Would've worked better without the 'even'. Second line was a nice bit of wording. I am and always have been a fan of using punctuation to accent rhymes and pace a piece. Did that there. The rhyming of the third and fourth line were good, the content solid enough I suppose. Just starting off, haven't picked up steam yet. 'installing release' was awkward, the first instances of off wording. Nothing too bad. The rhyme you paired it with, though, was very fluid and helps forgive the wording. installing release with a line/call in my sleep but I'm blind is very smooth. I again liked the use of the dash. Adds a some momentum and clarifies your thought. Helps complete the rhyme, too, obviously. Solid opening.

"Consciousness is overrated, dreams are where hope is naked
We see them bare, trying to breathe this air could choke the sacred
I'm a leader - scared, but with a potent cadence
Glowing - fragrant, trying not to grow impatient
Tho I feel like I'm dying, I'm sighing - and I'm so complacent
Overblown and blatant ego decodes the latent soul that's vacant"

'We see them bare' is good wording. Bare is a good word. I enjoy using it. Sacred was maybe a bit forced of a word? Maybe, maybe not. Seems like you had a scheme going and needed a word. Could be wrong. Potent cadence was cool. How fragrant are you, Mr. Witty? Glowing - fragrant was a bit tricky to me. Not sure about it. I liked 'I'm so complacent'. Nothing stunning in the wording but it captured the tone of your piece and read well, you placed some weight on it and it came through honest which always makes a line work. I don't think you needed blatant, but I liked the last line overall.

"A little known aqquaintance from a different me that still exists
But is never seen, it's filled with mist, the lover who killed the kiss
It's smothered, I hid it away, so another instilled the bliss
My world is falling apart, and I'm calling it art
It isn't just writing, this is the pain forming a ball in my heart
Thoughts are swarming where the demons crawl, and it's dark
Sometimes I'm feeling tall, other times I'm weak and small
Smothered by a life that would make any other guy cease and fall"

I like how you used an internal to transition from the last scheme to this one. Smooth work. Instilled the bliss was a bit off. Quit installing and instilling your releases and blisses. Your circuits will overload. I thought the bolded line captured a through-vein of the open mic with succinct and effective wording. Enjoyed it. Not all dope, quotable lines have to be complex rocket ships. This is a good example of that. The line after the bold made it pretty clear that you're exercising some shit in this piece. Honest work. I'm never a fan of the 'demons' symbol for torment. I think you could have reworked the last line a bit.

"But I'm about to release the dog, I've just found the piece, the cog
To make this machine heave and cough, before it kicks into life
And recedes the smog, I'm leaping the tallest buildings in one bound
What's up now? Now that The King is back, your mouth is shut?
Wow...you spoke the loudest when my mind was full of clouds and stuff
But I get it, now that I'm out, it's tough...lil faggot, fucking powderpuff
I thought you might have something to say bitch, you run ur mouth enough
Now you're wandering about like 'fuck', I've got that thunderous clout
You aren't about nothing, you're a punk with a pout"

I'm not entirely sure, but this basically you talking shit to yourself, right? About toughening up? It could read as that or a random piece of braggadocio aimed at the audience. What with the theme of consciousness and ego vs. latent soul, though, I figure this is an internal conversation. Tell me if I'm wrong. Not only did this section have a severely different tone than the beginning, the rhyming also felt different. Did you write this in a different sitting than the first? Almost seems like it. The cog/machine heave and cough wording and imagery was cool. The last line was good as well. I think the transition to this portion was very abrupt, though, and you may have been better served gradually working into this. It went from plaintive reflection and kicking yourself while down to hyper-aggressive within a line.

"See I can be the poet, the dumb guy, and the funny dude
But you'll know it when I run by, you're scum, you're food
Now I'm the reincarnated beast that carves hatred
Into these streets that bleed from scars; faded
Over the years, and sometimes when I'm sober the tears
Take me over, as I look to the sky when I'm alone and it's clear
Wishing for peace upon a star, or just a little piece of all the wealth
Because I don't want to fight anybody any longer...least of all myself."

Liked the first line. The ending four lines, especially the closing line, capped this piece off well. A good ending is always nice.

You had strong rhyming throughout and the flow didn't have any hiccups how I read it. You had a couple instances of wording I didn't like but that's just personal preference and I'm probably to picky on wording when feeding. I liked the content, the idea of the internal dialogue and discourse. Angry at yourself, self-motivating, and in the end apathetic. Enjoyed reading it.

[Wise Wiggles]

Just read this but gotta get back to work.
Will give my thoughts when I'm off in a cpl hrs.

[Witty]

Thanks bros.
@El Pancake you got mostly everything you said correct, I shall clear up aome things soon, but pretty much all you said was what I was going for...u understand the thoughts in mah noggin'.

Thank you again, I shall return feed.

[Primeval Martyr]

I think with 7k+ posts, you might be getting bored with hip-hop. I don't know if you've experimented with spoken word or poetry, but you certainly should.

The piece is amazing; explores in-depth concepts, uses a stunning vocabulary, a creative and tight flow, impressive rhymes and rhyme scheme, and none of it feels forced at all, it comes through very naturally. It has the well-polished feel of professional work. I think only occasionally did a line seem forced or amateurish; the opening two lines almost made me turn back, and "punk with a pout" made me roll my eyes a little, but all around very interesting read.

[Witty]

Thank you :)

Do I know who you are? @Primeval Martyr?

[Just Write]

Consciousness is overrated, dreams are where hope is naked
We see them bare, trying to breathe this air could choke the sacred
I'm a leader - scared, but with a potent cadence
Glowing - fragrant, trying not to grow impatient

This was a dope segment and I really enjoyed the switch ups. Inspires me to try something like this.


Thoughts are swarming where the demons crawl, and it's dark
Sometimes I'm feeling tall, other times I'm weak and small
Smothered by a life that would make any other guy cease and fall
But I'm about to release the dog, I've just found the piece, the cog
To make this machine heave and cough, before it kicks into life
And recedes the smog, I'm leaping the tallest buildings in one bound
What's up now? Now that The King is back, your mouth is shut?
Wow...you spoke the loudest when my mind was full of clouds and stuff
But I get it, now that I'm out, it's tough...lil faggot, fucking powderpuff
I thought you might have something to say bitch, you run ur mouth enough
Now you're wandering about like 'fuck', I've got that thunderous clout

I think this was my favorite section, it just rolled off the tongue and fucking powderpuff make me lol for real. This was a nice verse witty, seemed to be more of an exercise to shake off the rust, though judging from this piece there's not much rust. Props my dude, if me have a chance peep mine and vivids drop. Peace

[dull boy]

This had an uneven quality to it. Seemed sort of lazy, at times. Lots of good stuff, too. Any writing we do for ourselves or for fun or whatever is good. As a 'piece' this was good and eh.

This is shitty feedback. I could say more, but eh. Nothing personal and I would expect no more or less from anyone, I don't guess lol

[e11even]

Your rhyming was dope and those changes were pretty seemless and tight. I feel like content wise, it started a little scatterbrained but melded into something more solid on the way thruogh. It felt like a few lines in you realized what you wanted to say and said it more clearly. I also liked the second voice. The other personality kicked into gear and you revved a little. The changed came about like a Jeckle and Hyde kind of sequence. Definitely my cup of tea.Cool piece. I loved the introspective quality, and , even though you got serious in points, the overall body didn't feel especially serious and final. Nice work, Wit.

[big baby]

Spoke the loudest when my mind was full of clouds and stuff. Nice. Was uneven, but nice.

[Vulgar]

Slick write up. I liked it more on the second read - good personality showing through. The rhyming was a bit predictable since the patterns followed a traditional outline I'm used to seeing from you.

See I can be the poet, the dumb guy, and the funny dude
But you'll know it when I run by, you're scum, you're food
^Haha.

I read this verse to this beat: https://crypticone.bandcamp.com/trac...-the-crowsnest

Keep doing you

[Eŋg]

lol.

[dead man]

My world is falling apart, and I'm calling it art

crack.

i'd like to know bb and db's definition of "uneven"

[theMuzzl3]

this was dope

[CopyPat]

why do u write so uneven you fuckin uneven fucker. right more evenly next time, obv.


no this was good. i always like reading your pieces, it did seem a little scattered to me though. like at first it was reflective and sombre and then it was aggressive and battly? battly bro. don't be battly. this seemed wise ways inspired in a way. at least it reminded me of his style somewhat. which means i liked it.

uneven but good

[theMuzzl3]

damn Witty, you got some skills.

I wish you had not been replaced and killed me in that newbie tourney.

All though, reading through... you have some serious flaws in writing English... not that that matters on this forum, obviously.

[sral]

I can kind of agree with dull boy here, at times this felt really polished and the flow was butter-like, but in patches it did feel almost thrown together on a whim. I don't know if 'uneven' is the term I'd use, but I can certainly see what he meant by that. 'Scattered' a couple people also said, and again i don't feel like that nails it completely, but yeah, it's close to the money. First thing i've read from you in months/years.

Keep that pen moving!

[Witty]

Originally Posted by theMuzzl3

damn Witty, you got some skills.

I wish you had not been replaced and killed me in that newbie tourney.

All though, reading through... you have some serious flaws in writing English... not that that matters on this forum, obviously.

I have a better grasp of the English language than 99% of people, facts...thanks tho.

@Lars thanks I appreciate it, yeah this was kinda thrown together without much thought, a lot of my pieces have been like that for a while now...it's hard to care like I used to.