warning track

[Split]

lost my edge. spit sledge spot check. reverse finesse-synaesthetic onset.
merciless problem set. modern pen phonicitis.
within the words of my newest yet tardy assignments,
reverbed a grifter suicide.
See-

truth is not inside Aside- my iris of our viewer, my You alive.
the glue keeping the marching drum in tune with a round of fries.
diner basket fries.
carcinogized. a concluding act. gastric key of glucose-C,
against the waitress's grain, the recital for Capote's title Magnus Opi III.

It's the lucid ghost of Bukowski. beat devourer.
proudly died.
pounding dry- the fact you think that's sus is why Im consumed to annotate,
and he is fifteen Arabic numerals in yellowish fade(
cart blanche keratin, buried in
synthesase)

it got away. the tune escaped.
we buried it, married it.
carried it, like Tim O Briens award-winning fakenessy.
its our paper tiger-god, now.
bleeding in the sink. creased. safe and sound,
(those stories are poorly written)
That metaphysicist did it big in PTSDistic fistfuls. of course he did he's
sleazy/ resourcefully scripted, with his industry consistent forgery'd epistles.

you're more to me than the court dates.
corny theatrics.
forty-something, pity pageant,
grinning bastard courting asses
tits and city subway passes
you're forcefully absent. alive in your hearth
burning bark. Red-eye faucet, groggy water weight,
dihydrogen oxygen dearth: forgotten in Dasani crate...
American-made father figure, escaped abroad to get his mistress made.

stars, pride, stars, stripes. hashed together. harmonized. new trend.
you lens? lens harder. lens better. lens martyr in blue plastic protector,
the baseball cards we appraised when our pastime became our fetters.
when your frail hands can't sew
Barry can't Manilow
Ill look for your insanity stupor for the sake of old,
in bloopers on the humanities Antiques Roadshow

[Objective]

Interesting piece, took me a couple reads to kinda understand what you were saying. The title is Warning Track and how it correlates with the shit you're saying can probably be understood differently depending on the reader. You're talking about lack of sanity and growing old and heros changing towards the end and older works/prior poets earlier and started it all off where you see yourself as a writer. Are you talking about a theory you have that we're all slowly losing it overall because we're clinging to what used to be good rather than looking at what we have today and take it on ourselves try to surpass older works with lesser quality? I don't know, I might have lost the point completely as well, feel free to elaborate tho'.

Either way I enjoyed the lucid ghost line along with a couple others. Beside of that some of the points seemed kinda cryptic and scattered around rather than giving a straight forward clarification on the shit you were saying, which is cool cuz it makes me think about what you were saying but I ended up more puzzled rather than getting some of the lines. Might be because I'm stupid as fuck right now or just overall tired from the weekend, but whatevs, it is what it is.

When it comes down to it it's a pretty cool piece with lots to say in a verse that seemed to be experimental in terms of flow/set-ups etc. The flow had minor hiccups here and there but nothing noteworthy as far as I'm concerned. Keep it up.

[IamBenT]

really vivid and poetic, you are fusing and grafting images to each other, and playfully "breaking" language to fit the big picture, every thing is concrete but at times ethereal like you don't really want us to come all the way in, and really making us work to earn it, your allusions are pretty great and this is just a first feed, may go do some digging and come back. I liked the second to last stanza the most, the water metaphor was expertly constructed and shared there.

[YDK]

damn vocab was def above bar wit this. alot of references and wording choices that were very original and well thought out. some of it had me confused cuz i dont have time to look wat you were referencing but the surrounding lines and way you ended the drop made up for it and helped me understand the piece as a whole more than just singular lines. flow was crisp and kept it fresh with the switch ups through out it. good shit man

[Just Write]

my ninja, what the fuck was that? while i think its a beautiful collection of words intertwined superbly some of the shit you write just goes over the top of me so i had a hard time feeding it.

you're more to me than the court dates.corny theatrics.forty-something, pity pageant,grinning bastard courting assestits and city subway passesyou're forcefully absent. alive in your hearthburning bark. Red-eye faucet, groggy water weight,dihydrogen oxygen dearth: forgotten in Dasani crate...American-made father figure, escaped abroad to get his mistress made.

i enjoyed this portion and the latter of the piece. ill definitely keep reading your shit i just want to see a more concentrated piece that isnt so abstract.. stay up

[Orc]

wording was excellent, remind me of some shit a dude thrice used to write & he was dope as fuck. my only gripe is alot of ya end rhymes don't match up more than a syllable or two if u switched that up & kept the inners and schemes u use u'd be even better.

you're more to me than the court dates.

that was dope & especially followed by some poignancy.

the structure was nice too. poetic & how i myself usually write open mics. i hate reading blocks of text like how most topical writers set up their verse - it makes it boring and bland & removes growth possibility imo. but yea this was nice & a refreshing read

[Wise Wiggles]

I am pooping right now but I read the first shits and I liked it

[Mr. J]

This was quite a unique piece, I enjoy how you put this together
the wording alone and the way you were putting the rhymes together is sick
you have improved a lot since your first outing my friend...I enjoy this

It's the lucid ghost of Bukowski. beat devourer.
proudly died.
pounding dry- the fact you think that's sus is why Im consumed to annotate,
and he is fifteen Arabic numerals in yellowish fade(
cart blanche keratin, buried in
synthesase)

^^^^^^
something about that section made me really enjoy this though
either way, keep up the good work Split

[Zen]

Fuckin poetic shit right here lol. I can't say I understand all of what this is about since it is a kinda abstract piece, what I will say is that this is very beautifully written and allot of time has been put into this piece. Very nicely done really.

you're more to me than the court dates.
corny theatrics.
forty-something, pity pageant,
grinning bastard courting asses
tits and city subway passes
^^Others have cited this too but this is my favorite passage here. Nice.

Keep droppin Split.

[grindin]

Originally Posted by Split

lost my edge. spit sledge spot check. reverse finesse-synaesthetic onset.
merciless problem set. modern pen phonicitis.
within the words of my newest yet tardy assignments,
reverbed a grifter suicide.
See-

truth is not inside Aside- my iris of our viewer, my You alive.
the glue keeping the marching drum in tune with a round of fries.
diner basket fries.
carcinogized. a concluding act. gastric key of glucose-C,
against the waitress's grain, the recital for Capote's title Magnus Opi III.

It's the lucid ghost of Bukowski. beat devourer.
proudly died.
pounding dry- the fact you think that's sus is why Im consumed to annotate,
and he is fifteen Arabic numerals in yellowish fade(
cart blanche keratin, buried in
synthesase)

it got away. the tune escaped.
we buried it, married it.
carried it, like Tim O Briens award-winning fakenessy.
its our paper tiger-god, now.
bleeding in the sink. creased. safe and sound,
(those stories are poorly written)
That metaphysicist did it big in PTSDistic fistfuls. of course he did he's
sleazy/ resourcefully scripted, with his industry consistent forgery'd epistles.

you're more to me than the court dates.
corny theatrics.
forty-something, pity pageant,
grinning bastard courting asses
tits and city subway passes
you're forcefully absent. alive in your hearth
burning bark. Red-eye faucet, groggy water weight,
dihydrogen oxygen dearth: forgotten in Dasani crate...
American-made father figure, escaped abroad to get his mistress made.

stars, pride, stars, stripes. hashed together. harmonized. new trend.
you lens? lens harder. lens better. lens martyr in blue plastic protector,
the baseball cards we appraised when our pastime became our fetters.
when your frail hands can't sew
Barry can't Manilow
Ill look for your insanity stupor for the sake of old,
in bloopers on the humanities Antiques Roadshow

god damn a lot of those words i dont understand lol but u did good id wanna hear audio from u

[zygote]

Very ambiguous, did not try to interpret it, just took it as a rhyming/vocabulary exercise. Some interesting collection of one-liners. Did not see any overarching theme or direction to them but that is OK because for how it stands it was an interesting collection of thoughts presented in a cryptic way.

[Fig]

As a whole piece, I couldnt even begin to understand this lmao. Even the individual lines that I did enjoy, I cant say the enjoyment comes from my understanding, I just enjoy some of the combinations of words you put out there.

stars, pride, stars, stripes. hashed together. harmonized. new trend.
you lens? lens harder. lens better. lens martyr in blue plastic protector,
the baseball cards we appraised when our pastime became our fetters.

This even made me laugh, although It probably shouldnt have lol. Its just that you lens/lens harder bit got to me for some reason. Anywho, yeah, idk what to think about this. Very cryptic and demanding piece, in the case of the reader anyways.

[KennyCerealBowl]

Wtf are u saying?

[Split]

thanks for the feed yo

Originally Posted by KennyCerealBowl

Wtf are u saying?

lol.

its a mirror edge. the connection between what is and how you see it, the different perspectives that surround you, but I wanted it to be more than that. like a working case of that. Because just describing what you see or just describing what it means is so thin, especially when you begin with one and construct the other around it

If you don't understand, might be partly because I wrote it too abstractly, it might be because you don't have adderall tier concentration, it might be because you've never actually compared methods of writing

but its also because what I am saying isn't important its what it loosely ties together to all mean, and that's why Bukowksi is a great writer

good luck with your rhyming goals of 2013

[KennyCerealBowl]

You already know 2013 my year

[Natural]

I'ma give my honest opinion. No hate intended.

I'm with the group of people who cannot understand it. I have bouts where i think i might then thats quickly erased by its unorthodox nature.

Some of the rhymes are on point and some are not(or at least from my perception).
Your either of high intelligence or want to give off that vibe.
Either we're stupid or your a genius. Because i consider myself pretty intelligent and cannot follow this.
It's everywhere. Like scattered thoughts.

I would like to see you do a piece oriented around a clear topic and perfect rhymes with slants here and there. Something that showcases flow and intellect without going over the readers head. Then i may be able to provide better feed.

As of now i can only say you very unorthodox.

Stay up
1

[Split]

thanks for feed man, I'll hit one of your drops soon

im not trying to make myself look smart and i dont consider myself particularly smart

im just trying to get away from this idea in writing that you gotta build something for it to be great writing. and that the microscope of rhymes can't have a cloudy lens

some of the best, most beautiful things in life are misunderstood or halfway there

so I guess you're not supposed to understand. But you can still take meaning from it


Idk maybe I'm fighting a lost cause lol im addicted to writing like this tho


Last time I bump sry

[Void]

dope

[BottomUp Raps]

This is brilliant, no matter how fast you read this to yourself, it always seems to flow. Its really poetic and compared to some of the stuff I've seen people posting, its amazing. Keep doing what you are doing bro.