03-14-2013, 06:45 PM | #1 |
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Semi-Finals Magazine
Semi-Finals Magazine . . . . . . . 'Sup. This is Sn00p with the second-to-last edition of the Ultimate Writer I Magazine. To be honest, I'm not overly motivated to write this Mag. It's just that too many people fucked up this tourney by not caring. Some tutors didn't do anything in the first place and the rest (minus @namix; he is that dude) stopped caring after they saw a lot of their tutees didn't do much. But I will still do this Mag and you know why? Because we actually had some people do something and put in work. As mentioned before, namix was one of them. He's some- one I'd definitely want to tutor again in a later iteration of the Ultimate Writer. And then we had some people that actually showed up whenever they had to and improved. @Boredom, @Camp Bell, @Malachi and @Sharp Nine: This Mag is mostly for y'all. Well, enough of the complaining, let's look at last week: Reviews SiK vs. Malachi {Malachi wins by NS} Malachi won with a noshow verse, but it was pretty obvi- ous that his opponent was gonna noshow, seeing how he hadn't logged in in weeks. Anyways, Malachi advances. Genocide vs. Boredom {Boredom wins by NS} I really don't understand why so many people in namix' team ended up noshowing, seeing how he actually put in a lot of work and really tried to help them. Pretty disap- pointing. I don't know why, but Geno never dropped a verse and Boredom got to the Semi-Finals unharmed. @Camp Bell vs. @Flo Real {Camp Bell wins} Since both actually cared enough to show up, I will give both of you a detailed breakdown of your verses so maybe that's an extra tiny bit of knowledge you've gained from this tourney: Flo Real Im 3 steps up from you - unlike meth ill humour ya witta contribution your 3 steps down from me - in skill, wins and fucking stages in evolution ^This is a decent concept as it has some hyperbolic humor. Most voters though likewise. This was one of the more well-received lines of your verse. In general, bars like this can get better with a stronger connection. Here, there is not much that ties the 'steps' part to the 'evolution stages' part. If you can make this connection stronger, this bar will hit a whole lot harder. on the topic of 3's bitch look at yo loss count - you steppin upto flo?! niggas won 3 matches but never once where it wasnt titled - CB wins by no show ^Continuing with the theme of threes is decent, but doesn't really make your bar hit harder. Gimmicks like these aren't gonna win you battles, but if they come naturally, then by all means leave them in your verse. The concept here is very basic. You're basically saying "you won all your battles by noshow" with no extra wit added in. This is a prime example of conceptual expansion, a topic which namix has shared some very good thoughts on. So instead of trying to repeat what's been said, I'll just quote his posts below. Conceptual evolution is (as namix correctly noted) a topic that a lot of newer txtcees can improve in. That's why most of you should read what namix has to say below. Your teams full of feelings So team Orc dont have a chance to champ There's feeling sik, rayge, bordom an I have to face the one feelin camp ^This idea was good, but the execution is lacking technically. First of all, never just rhyme one syllable. Seriously, just don't do it. It's never a good look and it's really easy to avoid. If you're having troubles finding a rhyme, go to http://www.rhymezone.com or a similar site as a last resort. But you should be able to come up with at least two rhyming syllables on your own. Also, try and avoid using a word more than once in the same bar. In the setup, you could have said 'emotions' instead of 'feelings' without any problems. The punchline could've been cleared up, too. The voters thought similarly. Most felt that this bar had potential but wasn't executed well enough to hit. If you had followed the simple advice I gave above, and maybe cleaned the punch up, this would've been a quotable for sure. A cleaned up punchline would read something like this: team orc is ALL emotions. w/ that soft shit someone shoulda told 'em to stop cuz feeling sik, rayge & boredom is already gay, but feeling camp is waaay over the top You'll never have a big hit yo shit overplayed Yo concepts White noise Nike tick yo loss to win ratio it lacks the frequency for that fight voice ^I see where you're going with this, but this was just so cluttered. It just didn't hit because of that. Sometimes, you have to be simpler instead of more complex to hit. Like, statements don't hit. So you have to add the one layer of complexity to make it hit. But once you go beyond that, your wording has to be really clean so everyone understands where you are go- ing. If a bar needs explanation, it's usually too complex or not worded well enough. This is one of these cases. Either make it simpler or try and help the reader understand it. Especially punctuation can help a lot there. Tweetin bout how he'll make it big but yo shit could be free n still Wont sell I'll be a mod one day an tweeting this one time @banned camp I dropped this fucking bell ^It's the same with this. You should ask yourself: What is my concept? In this case, it's probably the banned camp/bandcamp wordplay. So if you know what your concept is, focus on that. And cut all the words that aren't necessary to get your concept across. This was a good idea that didn't hit because the wording was too cluttered and not focused. "your existence is basic"- You do know startin beef with il-Nik is bad for your health? Doesnt respect his elders but then hes biting lines that older then himself ^The problem with this line is that not respecting your elders does not conflict with biting old lines. It's rather the opposite. So you should've said "but it's no wonder u don't respect ur elders, constantly stealing their lines" <-That's a rough flip, of course, but it makes more sense. You should always make sure that your lines are logical, because other- wise they do not hit. Apart from that, the concept is kinda basic. your flow is shit your punches are weak your concepts are simply played Ultimate writer? Bitch leave this shit to cats that actually have skill in this trade ^This is just lazy. Your concept is that he shouldn't join a tutor tourney because he needs improvement? I bet you yourself can see why this does not hit. You'd have to add a layer of complexity for this to be any good. Camp Bell you cant stomach puns as i savor this bountiful meal wrote this with the bubble guts, im not playing, shit about to get real ^I don't know. This has no real concept. Like, how does saying this hurt your opponent? <-That's a question you should always ask yourself. And if the answer is "I don't know", you should not use that concept. And I think that's the case here. your not getting out of this deal, admit it then forfeit i'm busting flo's, he was stumbling for gold BEFORE jennifer lawrence ^This is a solid concept. But why do you waste so much of your space? The whole setup doesn't connect with the punch at all, and the "i'm busting flo's" doesn't either. You only have that much space in a bar, use it to relate to the punchline. my whispering skills raw, it brings attention to war but when somebody says real talk, its usually dismissed and ignored ^I don't get why saying real talk should be ignored. One would think that real talk gets more attention than usual. But apart from that, this is good. The setup ties to the talk part (albeit with some weird word choices: "whispering skills"?). The punchline is focused on the concept. i'll stab this prick with a fork then your done bitch if wayne get tears to come, wat brings ya spirit up, suckin dick for trukfit? ^This was decent. But what has the the setup to do with your punchline? Again, use the space to have to help your punchline. The punchline itself was alright. You could've flipped the wordplay differently, but the way you did it was okay. your not geared enough to compose trouble dude no way this lame name wins, leaving the way he came in, flo with no W ^Again you're not using your setup. The "no way this lame name wins" is a setup. And thus, it should be put in the setup. The con- cept is solid, but the punchline could expanded a bit more. And that would fit without problems if you put the setup in the setup. your controlled and so gullible, its such a shame kid Orc's pick just gift bagged a corpse quick, you was playing wit a saint nik ^This wasn't directed at your opponent. The St. Nick concept could've been used better. Again, how does this hurt your oppo- nent? Always try and go at them directly. Go for their throat. Hurt them. And do that as directly as possible. This is one of the cases where you aren't direct enough. all i do is work on grave digs, this jerk is makeshift if real recognized real, your worthless is a personal statement, not a nameflip ^Sounding like a broken record a bit, but your main issue seems to be focus. What exactly is your concept here? Because I get where you're going with this generally, but I do not see how you attack your opponent with this. Try and work out your concept, flip it in a way that attacks your opponent directly and then use all the space you have in your words to bring that concept across. I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh here, but I wanted to make sure that it is really clear what my points are. So please take this as constructive criticism and not as me hating on you. In the end, Camp Bell won by KO. It was a lot closer than that shows, though. But Camp won deservedly. Flo just had more issues with his verse. I pointed out most above. If both of you try and keep in mind what you were told here and by your tutors, I can see you improve fast, though. Stay open-minded. @Sharp Nine vs. @Witty {Sharp Nine wins} This was actually a really good battle. I would've liked to see you go more lines, because you were able to stay consistent as hell going just 10 lines. That would've made the winner a bit clearer too, maybe. Sharp ended up winning the battle, but some voters gave it to Witty and rightfully so. I would probably have voted for Sharp too, but Witty had a solid verse as well. I don't think I need to give you a lot of advice anymore. You're at that stage where experience is your best tutor. So all I can say is keep at it. You can definitely make a splash soon. Battle of the Week Sharp Nine vs. Witty Sharp Nine chicks hate you, they go for this clever chap instead ya girl fell for my 'pronounced wit'... so she never did that in bed text is dying, but those drops say you never shoulda started My verses are State of the Art, yours in a worse state than the art is we're not fooled, ur gay posts in disc show you find fuckin guys plenty fun Might as well come outWit... cause you're not not doing that to anyone n you bump thrift shop? no way ur holdin tha win already got my grandpa's style, those verses look older than him guaranteed L, those shit jokes make us think this herb's retarded you ain't got Sharp, Wit. But we knew that waaaay before this tourney started vs. Witty I've already won, so when I buck - blast - see him run fast Sharp Nine? Guns are for shooting, not stabbing....dumbass He on split's dick, that's why split split, he friggin' hates him This fag saw the name split 8, and took it as a sexual invitation This wannabe Stan probably got a tattoo of Shady's name n shit So is SN, Em? Nah, he just enjoys being chained and whipped See bitch at this beef shit you're nothing..just a fan, a tourist I told this boy to nail a chick, and he came back as a man...icurist When it comes to battling, you suck...u shud never be in a bout again We all know 9 times out of 10, we'll see Nine down for a count of ten Sharp Nine gets the Verse of the Week too. |
03-14-2013, 08:45 PM | #2 | |
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Conceptual Expansion I know I'd quote what namix said it about it here, but actually I'd just advise all of you to go through the threads namix has posted in his forum. That forum is open for anyone now and all the information in there is golden if you're trying to get better. Just go there and read through some shit; I guarantee you that you will learn something from that. Throwback Verse You might recognize this Verse as it is the Throw- back Verse from the Week 2 AOBL Mag, but since Conceptual Expansion seems to be such an impor- tant topic, I thought I'd highlight this verse again and take the time out to discuss what makes it so good. So get your pens and learn from the best! butler (vs. Kungfugrip) Quote:
He drops the n-bomb an 'rolls around wit a toolie' refuses to smile in pictures & swears he loud as FUCK @ the movies ^This is straight comedy. Notice how butler never said that Kung is a poser or something like that. He just gave examples of why he is one. And that way, everyone knew what he was talking about even without him saying it. Also, this has a clear concept (Kung poses as if he were hard but isn't), and every- thing in the whole bar is focused on getting that across. .im knockin u sky high. YA recent decline been in the fast lane legacy so short when i cremate u mid air it'll be the last to feel the ash rain ^Again he is clearly attacking his opponent. Not only with the explicit attacking ("cremate you mid air"), but also with saying his opponent fell off. As I told some people above in the break- downs, always make sure you have a hurting concept that's the basis of your bar. &thanks to the sand in his vagina, after I light fire to this fag fully he'll have time to reflect; off the newly formed glass in his pussy ^This is a good example of conceptual expansion. You have a simple concept ("sand in his vagina"), but butler takes it one step further. He doesn't just say "you have sand in your va- gina", he takes that as a given. And then his whole bar is about the consequences of what he took as given. And that is conceptual expansion at its finest. Lama told me u bite me. an right now im bettin u regret it since Wayne's Drought was in 06 but ur creativity's drought was in 03-present this wascally wabbit been hoppin my nuts. so i know wats good Im in Fatal Attraction. kung must'v escaped the stove on foot look. u need pic battles for material. the entire board knows this Ur a 1 trick pony. after the glue factory ur fan base'll be 3rd graders noses ^Again, conceptual expansion at its finest. butler doesn't use his space just to say "ur a 1 trick pony". He takes it as given again and then uses it as a starting point and expands from there, focusing on the consequences of what he put out as given in the 1st part of the punchline. this bird brain just been repeating MY LINES. its over say my shit again & I'll cop an eyepatch an prop ya feathery ass on my shoulder ^It's the same here. But this is even better: The concept is clearly that Kung is a parrot. But butler doesn't even use the word 'parrot' in his line. He just makes that a premise and then works from there. This is one of the best text lines I know. Executed wonderfully and hitting hard as fuck, because everyone gets he's talking about a parrot even without him explicitly saying it. Notice how "bird brain" and "feathery" help to create the image of the parrot implicitly. I was gonna only drop 16. but something told me to pull out more i KNO kung aint used to long drops; his career felloff from the ground floor, ^This is good because of the surprise value. If you have used your setup to tie in with the punch all the time, then a line such as this can be very effective, since the actual punch has almost nothing to do with the setup. And that surprise factor is what makes this hit. so me passin u basketballs, OTCs and prescriptions is probable im on a mission to feed U as many pills as is humanly possible, U sweet like peaches. Ya switch from biter to faggot was seemless I askd him 'watt the lick read?" he giggled and was like 'encyclopedia length penis' Ur a butler/frac fetus. Ya 10cent punches r lookin dead, damn try payin One in kung lines: he'll pullup his panties an shutoff the webcam son. I been murdering u since day one. this shit isn't fair LLLLLLLLLLLLLL <- the amount of L's u got from me is startin to look like 3dimensional squares ^This is also a very good line. What makes it so good is the fact that it's so obvious. Like when you look at it, you clearly see the little L's. And then you think "Why didn't I see that?" And the answer is: because butler is better at thinking outside of the box. Coming up with things that seem simple, but aren't easy to come up with is exactly what people mean when they say "thing outside the box." an u creepin ya idols out too. playd dressup &got ya keyin on this resin jr. tried the road to success but kept leavin his fuckn blinker on i don't know what level u think ur on. but the vet consensus is to dog collar ya skull &let ur mind wander outside the electric fences for swaggerjackin relentless. an beggin 4 rematches wen u shulda ducked don't believe the haters Kung. w/e makes u such a faggot is workin good as fuck ^This is just a backhanded compliment. And those lines can be very effective too. Notice how he setup the punch with "don't believe the haters Kung" <-that implies he is going to say something good. And then he in fact uses the word good (which is the case with a compliment, usually), but in a way that hurts the opponent. so keep braggin about beating white-frac. but next time b4 u log on exhaust all other options. wrap ur lips around em'. &turn the car on>> Previews @Malachi vs. @Boredom Boredom hasn't improved too much in this tournament, but that's not saying too much because he was already one of the better people before it all started. Malachi has gotten a whole lot better in this. But will it be enough to overcome Boredom? Definitely, if Bore underestimates him here. But if both come with their absolute best, then I think I got Bore here. It'll be a close one, though, and I can definitely see Malachi pulling off an upset. But on paper, Boredom looks stronger. That's why I have to predict him to win. @Camp Bell vs. @Sharp Nine Camp Bell has a lot of good lines, but also some very bad ones. He's pretty hit or miss. If he can learn to weed out the worse ones, he could be quite the consistent battler, though. Sharp Nine is the surprise of this tournament, to be honest. He has improved very quickly and is a force to be reckoned with now, even outside of this tournament. That's why it is hard to predict against him here. If Camp tries real hard and keeps his focus, I can see making this close, but in the end, I think that Sharp Nine is gonna win. Outro Yep, this is just a short Mag. I have the Line4Line Cypher and the Back2Basics Tourney to write for as well, so I don't have too much time. But if you read through all this and then also take a look at namix' forum like I advised you to, you actually have a lot of reading to do that you are gonna learn a lot from. So stay open-minded and accept the constructive criticism you get. And keep do- ing this. Keep battling and keep reading. That's how you get better. Pz. |
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03-14-2013, 09:19 PM | #3 |
HE / HIM / FRAC
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Holy shit @ the amount of work you and @namix put into this, seriously. props guys, appreciate it
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03-14-2013, 09:50 PM | #4 |
The Throne, The Crown
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The breakdowns were freaking ridiculous. Nice work Snoopster.
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03-14-2013, 10:13 PM | #5 |
Senior Member
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Awesome!
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03-15-2013, 04:44 AM | #7 |
Upset Champion
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Ite so the break down in this mag was the tops, massive props to namix I know he did slot with his group, Snoop for just going to town on that breakdown.
But @snoop what's with those mentions at the start - me and witty didn't no show, posted on time, voted etc plus I wouldnt be surprised if our tutor was the least arsed, if he ever did comment or post the most I got was 'this is a no' an that was battles ago.. I don't think hes been in there since first round... No one but me even responded to witty for his sharp battle.* |
03-15-2013, 06:01 AM | #8 |
been that, done there.
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thanks ya'll - glad some of you are checking out the forum and getting something out of it.
good looks sn00p - I'd do it again down the road for sure. |
03-15-2013, 09:27 AM | #9 | |
General German
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Quote:
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03-15-2013, 09:30 AM | #10 |
Upset Champion
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Don't let it happen again....;) lol
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03-15-2013, 02:25 PM | #11 |
Lime Life
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Good work chaps, good work indeed.
Thanks for the kind words and whatnot...and props.
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03-17-2013, 03:58 AM | #12 |
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Wow @Snoop and namix and everyother person putting in work for this shit, thats AWESOMENESS!!! its wack i couldnt partake in this tournament due to some errors/bugs or whatever on the mobile site cos its really a great competition, just read some battles and past mags and honestly u guys are doing great, alotta elevation from everyone expecially sharp and that sharpvswitty match was real nice, good shit from both and everyone in general. Once again props to yall mods for taking ya time out to break stuffs down and explain the text battle rap thing from a better perspective to help us elevate, keep up da good works
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