Split Melonsville

[Exis]

Ayo,

All these leaders be pawns
backed by pieces that fall
mostly down by the way side in a heap on this board
where coastin' south is that shame slide before your feats out the door
might leave you feelin' unsure
or with no fuckin' feelings at all
I'll have you shieldin' your form
from my rapid wieldin' of swords
let's give what's torn a good peelin' and try to reach where your raw
now there's some ish nonexistent
like me spittin' off kinda horribly more than often, consistent
in bull dust
and rust
is what's highlighted constantly when the reader leaves thoughts
as if I'm your nonsense you dipshit
the brothers keepin' it poor for those that's followin' this kid
I'm a Columbine misfit into sneakin' up halls
unleashin' on balls to have your collarbones shifted
just for bein' here fool
left with an oddly pose different to whom appear as the norm.

[dead man]

All these leaders be pawns
backed by pieces that fall
mostly down by the way side in a heap on this board

enjoyed the linkage between all three of these lines. chess is very often used and almost cliche'd simile in many modern literary works but i think you did it justice at the very least.

might leave you feelin' unsure
or with no fuckin' feelings at all

cool

have your collarbones shifted
just for bein' here fool
left with an oddly pose different to whom appear as the norm.

you get better the more often you write. you take long hiatuses and then reappear with decent work. but the longer you remain on site writing and posting it's like you being tp find your frequency again and drop more resonant shit.

it speaks to the naturality you may possess as a rhyme writer. that's all i can say.

hope you stick around man.


thanks



1

[Geno]

Phewwww

Yo, your becoming my favorite artist to read rite now very quickly
Something about your styles and the way you flow is just sick and it makes the progression of your pieces roll so smoothly! Lol, I loved this joint all the way through man

Nothing insanely crazy in there mechanically which was a nice feel for this imo. Loved that shame slide before your feets out the door line. Something about your wording there was so on point to me it was just an awesome line. Good shit man. Thanks for the feed in my pieces lately as well bro. Its appreciated

I realize I'm not as heavily favored around here personality wise, so the few responses I still receive from folks is highly respected. Keep doing you and rocking that steez you have, 1

[jdeek]

I'll have you shieldin' your form
from my rapid wieldin' of swords
let's give what's torn a good peelin' and try to reach where your raw


dude...i like that shit a lot...give what's torn a good peelin' and try to reach where your raw....sick yo.

you'll be a cat i open every one of your posts...your flow and fuck you attitude in your shit is what i look for. good stuff

[Just Write]

or with no fuckin' feelings at all
I'll have you shieldin' your form
from my rapid wieldin' of swords
let's give what's torn a good peelin' and try to reach where your raw
now there's some ish nonexistent
like me spittin' off kinda horribly more than often, consistent



Lol those last two lines though. That's me man, sometimes i just up random shit that i know i didnt try to do perfectly or take my time on hut you know if you dont try new things and put it out there then you can't get critique and advice. I think more of the vetran cats need to help people through feed by giving advice rather than just saying "yo this was ill" or yo this was garbage" i still to this day dont fully grasp what people mean by rhyme schemes and shit, i just am kimda learning by trial and error. Anyways im getting way off subject. This was dope man, lookin forward to reading more. Peace

[Fig]

All these leaders be pawns
backed by pieces that fall
mostly down by the way side in a heap on this board

Nice. dont think ive ever read anything from you before. This was clean though. You definitely have your mechanics down:

I'm a Columbine misfit into sneakin' up halls
unleashin' on balls to have your collarbones shifted

the lines before followed the same rhyme scheme as well, but it was executed best here. syllable count was perfect and basically made for a better flow.

stick around and keep writing. you have all the equipment. cant wait to read more

[Exis]

^^Thanks man...and to everyone else that left feed, 'tis appreciated.

[Scripter]

I think the beginning sounded alright but got a little choppy toward the end. Overall though it had a decent flow.