.:: I'm not a person you fix ::.

Objective · 11-13-2013, 12:43 AM

The human thirst is a booty curse..
My clothes; the perfume is oozing hers yet I'm choosing worse;
In the code of life it's beauty first, so I run away with some open, cool, cutie nurse.
As the duty serves and the cootie burst - I'm where I started; a broken fool coerced.
It's some wizardry shit on the ex-spelled bigotry bit, life is a trip,
so I repelled a viciously hit but still fell for the overly amibitiously tip.
It's just what happens with chicks, should'a hammered some tricks,
but the trap isn't wits, it's me being a dick with the average shit.
I'm dreaming of handling kids, yet I'm too savage and damaged for this,
I think manners is piss, just look at Flanders; A bitch, all schizo n' shit,
I've been canned and manned down as all my dreams seems to have missed.
The concept that slits arteries and opens some wrists, taunting n kiss,
is the dope that holds you for this as if it's bonding, then responding with bliss.
I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is
the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss,
I'm not only hurt - turban-wearing murderers aint shit, I'm not a person you fix;
I'm the mixed version of Kurt Cobain with bits of Durden, bourbon and Kiss.

BWHAHA · 11-14-2013, 06:02 PM

overly ambitiously stuck out as a sore thumb. not in the bad sense, i mean, sometimes a hyperbolic fragment in adjectival word usage is commonplace for witty and satirical writers, but it seems like you were teeter tottering on the edge..or maybe misused it? I know what you meant, almost like a pause, to explain the magnitude of the ambitious intent. But was a bit odd, none the less, felt a good vibe from this. short simple stanzas filled with parallel linear structure. the subject was alright, the way you worded it was verse/essay which isn't my favorite. but it'll do in some instances. kewl.

Certain · 11-22-2013, 03:31 AM

You're a lot better than this when you write in your normal style, but I both understand the temptation to try something new and appreciate the desire to elevate. Your rhymes here were very forced, and the broken grammar in parts (using adverbial forms "viciously" and "amibitously" as adjectives stood out) really made that obvious. Plus, many of the rhymes were hard slants that didn't really work, at least not with an American accent. The parts where you weren't rhyming were substantially better than the parts where you were because of how much you were forcing those rhymes. A lot of this almost seemed like a bad parody of what some Open Mic writers seem like, particularly the last line with the Nirvana, Fight Club and whiskey references all in one. In the middle of a really good verse, that line might actually have worked. But it would have been cliche even then. Here it felt way out of place, particularly as a closer. Do yourself. This wasn't that.

Split · 11-22-2013, 09:46 AM

got you on feed tonight... liked it.

Objective · 11-22-2013, 04:39 PM

@BWHAHA & @Certain: Thanks a lot for the feed, much appreciated. Definitely get what you're saying! I might have to torture you guys with garbage like this every now and then as I want to add shit to my bag of tricks, when you guys tells me it's wack all I want to do is to write this kind of stuff even more and fix the things I did exceedingly bad. Thanks a lot for the thought out criticism.

Split Eight: Dope that you enjoyed the read! Hopefully these things will be even better in the future.

I'll check out some of your stuff in a few as well.

Lost in Thought · 11-24-2013, 03:02 PM

I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is
the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss

I loled... haha nice shit

sick multiples. good storyline. who hasnt had trouble with chicks? easy to relate to. without being the same over redundant love song type lyric

Vulgar · 12-07-2013, 12:37 PM

Hah, this was good to me. Flawed in some ways yet full of personal touch. It reminded me of something I'd be reading in 2005 on Rapflava back in the day.

I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is
the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss,
I'm not only hurt - turban-wearing murderers aint shit, I'm not a person you fix;
I'm the mixed version of Kurt Cobain with bits of Durden, bourbon and Kiss.
^'I'm not a person you fix' has an undeniable musical quality to it that I would probably say made the piece authentic.

Keep doing you

11-13-2013, 12:43 AM	#1
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	.:: I'm not a person you fix ::. The human thirst is a booty curse.. My clothes; the perfume is oozing hers yet I'm choosing worse; In the code of life it's beauty first, so I run away with some open, cool, cutie nurse. As the duty serves and the cootie burst - I'm where I started; a broken fool coerced. It's some wizardry shit on the ex-spelled bigotry bit, life is a trip, so I repelled a viciously hit but still fell for the overly amibitiously tip. It's just what happens with chicks, should'a hammered some tricks, but the trap isn't wits, it's me being a dick with the average shit. I'm dreaming of handling kids, yet I'm too savage and damaged for this, I think manners is piss, just look at Flanders; A bitch, all schizo n' shit, I've been canned and manned down as all my dreams seems to have missed. The concept that slits arteries and opens some wrists, taunting n kiss, is the dope that holds you for this as if it's bonding, then responding with bliss. I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss, I'm not only hurt - turban-wearing murderers aint shit, I'm not a person you fix; I'm the mixed version of Kurt Cobain with bits of Durden, bourbon and Kiss. __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 11-13-2013 at 12:46 AM.

11-22-2013, 03:31 AM	#3
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	You're a lot better than this when you write in your normal style, but I both understand the temptation to try something new and appreciate the desire to elevate. Your rhymes here were very forced, and the broken grammar in parts (using adverbial forms "viciously" and "amibitously" as adjectives stood out) really made that obvious. Plus, many of the rhymes were hard slants that didn't really work, at least not with an American accent. The parts where you weren't rhyming were substantially better than the parts where you were because of how much you were forcing those rhymes. A lot of this almost seemed like a bad parody of what some Open Mic writers seem like, particularly the last line with the Nirvana, Fight Club and whiskey references all in one. In the middle of a really good verse, that line might actually have worked. But it would have been cliche even then. Here it felt way out of place, particularly as a closer. Do yourself. This wasn't that. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

11-22-2013, 09:46 AM	#4
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899398	got you on feed tonight... liked it. __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

11-22-2013, 04:39 PM	#5
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	@BWHAHA & @Certain: Thanks a lot for the feed, much appreciated. Definitely get what you're saying! I might have to torture you guys with garbage like this every now and then as I want to add shit to my bag of tricks, when you guys tells me it's wack all I want to do is to write this kind of stuff even more and fix the things I did exceedingly bad. Thanks a lot for the thought out criticism. Split Eight: Dope that you enjoyed the read! Hopefully these things will be even better in the future. I'll check out some of your stuff in a few as well. __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

11-24-2013, 03:02 PM	#6
Lost in Thought Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 70 Battle Record: 0-4 Rep Power: 37	I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss I loled... haha nice shit sick multiples. good storyline. who hasnt had trouble with chicks? easy to relate to. without being the same over redundant love song type lyric __________________ Look up to the sky to try n find god in the clouds Hopin when he looks down I dont get lost in the crowd

11-14-2013, 06:02 PM	#2
BWHAHA Sophomore Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 176 Rep Power: 4754293	overly ambitiously stuck out as a sore thumb. not in the bad sense, i mean, sometimes a hyperbolic fragment in adjectival word usage is commonplace for witty and satirical writers, but it seems like you were teeter tottering on the edge..or maybe misused it? I know what you meant, almost like a pause, to explain the magnitude of the ambitious intent. But was a bit odd, none the less, felt a good vibe from this. short simple stanzas filled with parallel linear structure. the subject was alright, the way you worded it was verse/essay which isn't my favorite. but it'll do in some instances. kewl.

12-07-2013, 12:37 PM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Hah, this was good to me. Flawed in some ways yet full of personal touch. It reminded me of something I'd be reading in 2005 on Rapflava back in the day. I wake up in my boxers with jizz, it isn't a shocker, it is the lonely and jerked urban version of a personal diss, I'm not only hurt - turban-wearing murderers aint shit, I'm not a person you fix; I'm the mixed version of Kurt Cobain with bits of Durden, bourbon and Kiss. ^'I'm not a person you fix' has an undeniable musical quality to it that I would probably say made the piece authentic. Keep doing you