Sure.

[Zen]

Luminous eyes grasp Cupid’s ties.
The Muses align spewing clues. It’s time.
Horrors push forward on the loose inside my brain.
Confusions supplied. That’s alright, it’ll fade.
It’s time, today is the day your life will change.
Her vibrant gaze carries the time away
Through hours spent in a mindless daze
Wondering what I would say,
But I’m shy, not brave so I’m sure I’m hopeless.
I was only lured by the moment. Plus she’s too pure I know it.
Not to mention my vision was too obscured to focus.
No. Don’t make excuses. Face the music.
If you wait, you’ll lose it.
You want this babe to slip away? You stupid?
Muster the courage. I can’t. Fuck I’m nervous.
Don’t be.
This is the cusp of a new lust to flourish. You deserve this.
Now, look at her across the room.
Eye contact and a smile, maybe she’s falling too.
Start to walk closer, but I get lost in her perfume
Til I get chills all over. Don’t worry it’s harmless dude.
And finally I reach her and stare in her eyes.
Aware of her surprise, I didn’t wait to choose
To make a move. I just asked her to the dance floor.
Her answer, “Sure.”

[Geno]

Pretty dope zen, I fucks with this hard.

[Just Write]

I liked this, back with proper feed later

[CopyPat]

cool shit man, original content. painted the picture pretty nicely, summed up the nervousness of it. it was good. i coulda been really dope though if u infused the content with some sick scheming or more complexity in the actual rhymes.. nah'mean?? haha

[Zen]

Appreciate the feed fellas. I will return the feed later.

And Pat I'm trying new styles since I think I've become typecast as that guy who rhymes crazy shit together lol.

[CopyPat]

hahaha word i hear that..believe me!! keep experimenting
im bout to drop some real life knowledge on ya'll. peep it. waaay better than that last shit

[e11even]

This was dope. I really liked this whole drop. You captured the essence of a prom and all the insecurities of a teenager here. I felt like I was reading about how i would feel in that place, even as an adult at one point lol. Great shit. I think this execution would come across great in the league btw. Keep it up.

[Inno]

this was different than anything ive read from you.

its not scattered..

its not jumbled...

its..

its fucking chalked full of that poetic vibe i dig so much..great word use man..i mean
great fucking word use through out this entire piece. and tbh honest as i finshed reading
this...its exactly like your style...yet it seemed controlled..man i would love to see you
develop this style a bit more..i think the abstract nature of this style allows you to be
that scattered brain idea man while still delivering that imagery and depth that is needed
to put together a well written story or theme...great stuff man really enjoyd this piece
in every aspect.

[Sho Money EMG]

Very poetic. Good presence, good message. Flow wasn't that solid but I can see this was more of a diff kind of drop where the flow wasn't as important. Def feelin it tho Zen, keep droppin man.

[Split]

Originally Posted by Zenland

Luminous eyes grasp Cupid’s ties.
The Muses align spewing clues. It’s time.
>>dense but cool. "spewing was weird word choice"
Horrors push forward on the loose inside my brain.
Confusions supplied. That’s alright, it’ll fade.
It’s time, today is the day your life will change.
>>'It's time' repetition was weak
Her vibrant gaze carries the time away
Through hours spent in a mindless daze
Wondering what I would say,
But I’m shy, not brave so I’m sure I’m hopeless.
I was only lured by the moment. Plus she’s too pure I know it.
Not to mention my vision was too obscured to focus.
No. Don’t make excuses. Face the music.
If you wait, you’ll lose it.
You want this babe to slip away? You stupid?
Muster the courage. I can’t. Fuck I’m nervous.
Don’t be.
This is the cusp of a new lust to flourish. You deserve this.
Now, look at her across the room.
Eye contact and a smile, maybe she’s falling too.
Start to walk closer, but I get lost in her perfume
>>strongest bar
Til I get chills all over. Don’t worry it’s harmless dude.
And finally I reach her and stare in her eyes.
Aware of her surprise, I didn’t wait to choose
To make a move. I just asked her to the dance floor.
Her answer, “Sure.”

lol, neat piece. two things I didnt like-
-how you broke up your sentences... you always broke it up right between your rhymes, it got pretty stale for me. def the weakest part mechanically, and it was especially noticeable because you rhymed like everything

- tendency to end cool rhymes with simple phrases. like, it's hard to mix up schemes because we all have some words that are easy for us to rhyme that we use more... so when you have unique rhymes and then end it with like "its time" or "____, dude" or "You stupid?" it comes across really, really rookieish



two things i liked:
- any cliches you had fit very well within your story/ didnt seem forced, very natural feel overall to your writing
- appealing tone. hard thing to capture. i wanted to finish/ relate to the character.



Decent piece... looking forward to seeing you back in the swing of things chief.

Also. go feed me and Dead Man's collab a couple pages back (:

[Just Write]

ok bud, it's later lol.. btw i want buddah back. fuck zenland, no not really but yea

Originally Posted by Zenland

Luminous eyes grasp Cupid’s ties.
The Muses align spewing clues. It’s time.
Horrors push forward on the loose inside my brain.
Confusions supplied. That’s alright, it’ll fade.

I reall liked this opening, especially the last line. dope

It’s time, today is the day your life will change.
Her vibrant gaze carries the time away

you ever seen bambi? you twitterpated mang!


Through hours spent in a mindless daze
Wondering what I would say,
But I’m shy, not brave so I’m sure I’m hopeless.
I was only lured by the moment. Plus she’s too pure I know it.
Not to mention my vision was too obscured to focus.
No. Don’t make excuses. Face the music.
If you wait, you’ll lose it.

"if you wait, you'll lose it" probably one of the realest things in ths piece. rest wasn'tbad either

You want this babe to slip away? You stupid?
Muster the courage. I can’t. Fuck I’m nervous.
Don’t be.
This is the cusp of a new lust to flourish. You deserve this.
Now, look at her across the room.
Eye contact and a smile, maybe she’s falling too.

another dope section

Start to walk closer, but I get lost in her perfume
Til I get chills all over. Don’t worry it’s harmless dude.
And finally I reach her and stare in her eyes.
Aware of her surprise, I didn’t wait to choose
To make a move. I just asked her to the dance floor.
Her answer, “Sure.”

lol, lame ending brah

this was a nice little piece buddah. thoroughly enjoyed it. your style is definitely unique and one of my favorites. i always try to read your shit. props.

now go feed my piece yo