BULLFIGHTING CHILDHOOD STORY: LIPOGRAM E

zygote · 09-09-2013, 12:36 PM

My Dad said; “Anything living is worthy of aid.”
That was my mantra, words I would say to stay unafraid.
But I couldn’t say it out loud. My Dad was always away,
Sounds wouldn’t go out. A cold midnight into a warm Spring day,
Thrown into disarray. Child psychologists said; “Kiddo, why don’t you just talk?”
A prison of words, my mind was waiting to walk.
But it couldn’t. Who could do such a thing? Who could fathom it?
Man killing animals for sport, that was not a good pacifist.
For a young child it was an astonishing sight,
I thought, who’s to say what’s wrong or what’s right?
Morals or might? God or a plight?
I was losing a war without stopping to fight.
Watching a fight - a man killing a proud animal.
Was it right? No, it wasn’t. It was not rational.
I was hurt by it. A bull running back and forth within a cordon,
A matador attacking its lungs, stomach and all inward organs.
I thought back to Dads words, try to think about that,
A shrill from a crowd masks sounds of an act,
I couldn’t look away, stuck watching in horror,
Watching a kill, without stopping my mantra.
Still watching, but not saying a word, not making a sound,
Nothing in this bad world was worth anything now.

Certain · 09-10-2013, 02:09 AM

You chose the most common letter in the English language to exclude from your verse and still told a complete, viable story. That's pretty impressive.

Ignoring the constraint, I thought there was too much exposition and not enough imagery. The actual killing of the bull should have been described with more vivid and emotional context, rather than the removed description used. The diction was too simplistic. Obviously, the constraint led to that, but it's still worth noting.

Zen · 09-10-2013, 07:13 AM

Zy your one of my favorite writers on here but this one is a step down from what I expect from you. I have the same complaints as certain has. It's just too simple in my opinion. I'm not sure what the constrain was that certain was talkin bout but something definitely affected this piece. If anyone else had written this I'd probably say they did good but not from zygote lol. As for the story I thought it was pretty good but still I wanted more from it. This is my opinion but hopefully you'll get more feed from my up

The Warden · 09-10-2013, 09:16 AM

i thought the story was average....but then i realized theres no Es in here?!?!?! Lmfao.....neat.

09-09-2013, 12:36 PM	#1
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	BULLFIGHTING CHILDHOOD STORY: LIPOGRAM E My Dad said; “Anything living is worthy of aid.” That was my mantra, words I would say to stay unafraid. But I couldn’t say it out loud. My Dad was always away, Sounds wouldn’t go out. A cold midnight into a warm Spring day, Thrown into disarray. Child psychologists said; “Kiddo, why don’t you just talk?” A prison of words, my mind was waiting to walk. But it couldn’t. Who could do such a thing? Who could fathom it? Man killing animals for sport, that was not a good pacifist. For a young child it was an astonishing sight, I thought, who’s to say what’s wrong or what’s right? Morals or might? God or a plight? I was losing a war without stopping to fight. Watching a fight - a man killing a proud animal. Was it right? No, it wasn’t. It was not rational. I was hurt by it. A bull running back and forth within a cordon, A matador attacking its lungs, stomach and all inward organs. I thought back to Dads words, try to think about that, A shrill from a crowd masks sounds of an act, I couldn’t look away, stuck watching in horror, Watching a kill, without stopping my mantra. Still watching, but not saying a word, not making a sound, Nothing in this bad world was worth anything now.

09-10-2013, 02:09 AM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	You chose the most common letter in the English language to exclude from your verse and still told a complete, viable story. That's pretty impressive. Ignoring the constraint, I thought there was too much exposition and not enough imagery. The actual killing of the bull should have been described with more vivid and emotional context, rather than the removed description used. The diction was too simplistic. Obviously, the constraint led to that, but it's still worth noting. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

09-10-2013, 07:13 AM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Zy your one of my favorite writers on here but this one is a step down from what I expect from you. I have the same complaints as certain has. It's just too simple in my opinion. I'm not sure what the constrain was that certain was talkin bout but something definitely affected this piece. If anyone else had written this I'd probably say they did good but not from zygote lol. As for the story I thought it was pretty good but still I wanted more from it. This is my opinion but hopefully you'll get more feed from my up

09-10-2013, 09:16 AM	#4
The Warden Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 225 Rep Power: 0	i thought the story was average....but then i realized theres no Es in here?!?!?! Lmfao.....neat.