WEEK THIRTEEN CONTENDERS: DOMINATE (8-2) vs EVICTION (8-3) EVICTION WINS 3-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK THIRTEEN

@Dominate @Eviction


Verse Due: FRIDAY JULY 15TH @ 11:59PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:







GOOD LUCK

[Dominate]

Fire topic ;)

[Eviction]

Alone with the pill box, still in shock, while waiting on her friend to call.
This pressure caused mental blocks, she whispers this twisted thought..
So help me god, if I don’t hear that tone by 10 o’clock, it’ll be a grim result.
My friend told me demons aren’t real, so I never tried to fend them off.
She was there to correct me when I’m wrong, now she’s being fed to the dogs.
I ignored the doctors, you got much life to live if you know yesterday’s gone.
Professionals are saying memory loss, there’s not much time left on the clock.
I had to let go ready or not, trying to wake her up to get this message across.
The cherry on top was the cemetery pond, like that cocaine pantyhose stain,
Some still remain on the dress, flakes of imperfection blocking narrow escape.
It gets harder to carry the weight, from the blade that enters varicose veins.
Even after death, there’s prosecution, she’s still restrained to every broke chain,
When they link back together, clang against the wood stove, then it’s up in smoke.
She had coke by the bucketload, sitting by the baking flower, or undisclosed.
The running joke was the shit she had to undergo, in hindsight, she must’ve known,
Once the undertone’s come to blow, she dies by the ash; the devil stays unopposed.
The unbeknown is undersold, and I know I’ll end up here if I stop coming home.
Her house was buried under powder, like the substance she had up her nose.
Why is life so cutthroat, it’s getting so bad your only option is to live or die.
You’re never judged by the way you clean your house, more so what you did inside.
What the jury seems to emphasize, is the dispassionate ways you improvised.
This is why, redemption is a pointless exercise, knowing that blood never lies..
She went from my best friend to a neighbor I barely recognise, so I cut off all supply,
I tried to sever ties with no reason to objectify, I no longer enable her if I step aside.
The last time I saw her she was in an awful state, after the meds she would often shake
With all the weight gain caused by the prednisone, I won’t be surprised if the coffin breaks.
Her execution was an august date, she was haunted by thoughts that would dominate.
She passed away 3 days before her birthday, we know how karma likes to operate,
Targeting the weak-minded, a primadonna puzzle that’s still in a thousand pieces.
Guess you can say I like to leave the crowd pleased, satisfying all the mouths to feed,
In their hour of need, boundaries created by the powers that be keeps it out of reach,
This, cowardly brown nosing mouthpiece, that thought they had to vouch for me,
Shit teaches you how to read true colors when their house finally burnt to the ground.
Because they only call you back when they’re in need, & wrapped in that surgical gown.
When my world fell apart, I had to turn it around, he took my home too & murdered my child,
I know the devil will always circle around in silence, they only heard when it’s loud.
Where are the churches you learned about? where’s the help when you need it the most.
They’re never around when you’re literally breathing in smoke, and seeing a ghost,
Freezing and pleading your soul, they only want to shove religion deep in your throat.
When you just lost your only home, and tonight you might have to sleep in the cold.
There’s a fine line between fear and greed a highlight so clear it bleeds, what’s steering me
In the wrong direction, they can hear you scream incoherently, disappear free, selfishly
Like their help has become your crutch, I even sent a letter that ended with sincerely, please.

I’ll remember this when your house burns, it’s not like before the fire anything stood out.
My misery created a good crowd, why do I see people cheering as I look down?
The house was completely engulfed, while neighbors were socializing like it was a cookout.
This is why I didn’t even try to escape, I finished a cigarette before the flames were put out.

[Dominate]

Fiery red head. You know that you want it
I look cheap but like I could burn a hole in your pocket
Take me out, touch my box, I’ll do whatever you ask
Show me that rough side, that’s where the chemistry’s at
Run your fingers down my body, pinch me, steady your grasp
Strike me. Over and over, until you get a reaction. Fuck
I’m burning for you. Losing my head in a flash
Breathe me in as you hold me and take your pleasure at last

But then it’s over…

And I know, - that moment never could last
Turn everything I touch into dust and embers and ash
So. You wave me out. A cold show of dismissiveness
I’m curled up, fragile. You’re there smoking your cigarette
Nothing more to give you. Used. I’m powerless now
It’s only a matter of time before you throw me out of the house
The flame may be finished, but killing the phantom is hard
Close your eyes and I bet you still see me dance in the dark
And I know when you look back, you’ll have a new attitude
You’ll see what you had in me;
That I was a Match for you

[Rawn MD]

Honestly I wasn’t to impressed with either of these verses….

Eviction - Your story was pretty decent, however it didn’t seem natural really. The lines were more rhyme driven than content, and the story suffered from this. Like I felt it was verbose at times, and some lines were just there to rhyme, rather than convey a point. Also, I really didn’t see too many literary devices being used, which would have brought the story and content to another level in my opinion. The story was decent enough though that despite sometimes being to wordy, or in my opinion too long, it was still engaging, and held my attention.

Dominate - You kind of shot yourself in the foot imo. Had your verse had a little more effort you would have taken this, but it didn’t. Your flow was on point, and I did enjoy it, and felt maybe if you would have dropped some more wit, or displayed a little more skill as far as like metas, or alliteration, or something you could have taken this…. But I only really saw that in the end, which was kind of disappointing bc it shows you could have done that throughout the verse. Since that part was lacking I have to go story verse story, and your opponent just overpowered you there with lines, unfortunately. I kind of feel like you just keystyled this verse though, which left me wanting to see what would happen if you actually put more effort forth. You almost edged it though, you just didn’t give me enough style to overcome the barrage of lines and story Eviction brought.

Vote - Eviction

[Adverse]

Eviction - I think you broke your mold again like you unsuccessfully did against Frank a couple weeks ago , but I think you yielded better results here. I liked the third person narrative and talking as a friend to this woman who has her house (and life) burning down on top of her, although I found myself confused in the end as you switched between the 1st/3rd person I was trying to figure out if the other woman was going through problems too or if it was just the singular woman who the narrator called a friend and I was just lost. Though sometimes I think your multies are fantastic , I do feel like they trap you sometimes (much like Frank) sometimes you’ll get these perfectly strung together rhymes that move the story forward, and then sometimes it feels like you’re rhyming just to rhyme and it’s meaningless. Those were my biggest complaints. Overall the story was compelling enough and I enjoyed it. My favorite parts were

“ The cherry on top was the cemetery pond, like that cocaine pantyhose stain,
Some still remain on the dress, flakes of imperfection blocking narrow escape.
It gets harder to carry the weight, from the blade that enters varicose veins.
Even after death, there’s prosecution, she’s still restrained to every broke chain,”

The ending stanza was nice too.

Dom:
Feel like you drew a blank here man, sorry if that’s because of the topic I tried to make it compelling. I liked the direction you were going in but you lacked substance obviously only having 20 lines to Eviction’s 60. I did think you painted a good picture here and enjoyed especially the second half but ultimately it’s hard to beat a fully fleshed narrative with a half baked verse that had an alright idea behind it. Nonetheless I adored this line

“ The flame may be finished, but killing the phantom is hard
Close your eyes and I bet you still see me dance in the dark”

Wish I could have inspired you more this week fam! Hope you stay in you’re definitely an asset to this league.

V/ Eviction more fleshed out verse and better overall product

[brokenhal0]

Eviction - when you develop such a emotional connection with your readers
its kinda easy to ''feel''that you wasn't really trying hard with this verse
i still found it to be a enjoyable written but at times clunky
its dark emotional and personal one of your better styles going up against you I noticed you take a almost battle rapper approach in how you interweave your opponent into your story your good at it but this time somethings felt off


Dominate - You pretty much said alot with a little and I instantly LOL'd theres irony in writing and its all beautiful who knew ciggerates can have so much fun


this was almost a tie but evictions competitive and relentless spirit gave him just enough momentum to take it MVGT - EVICTION