WEEK FIVE CONTENDERS: DOMINATE (4-0) vs EVICTION (3-0) TIE

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FIVE

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 26TH @ 11:59PM EST
@Dominate @Eviction

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are song titles by my favorite band, The Wonder Years.

Topic:
“THE DEVIL IN MY BLOODSTREAM”

GOOD LUCK

[Dominate]

Let’s do it.

[Eviction]

There are enough fake potted plants, that uninvited guests will blow a gasket.
I might as well have a rotting corpse in my living room and show the casket.
I’m used to these conditions, I’m just exposing what I know from practice.
This place should be condemned, I literally hoard rows of bones and ashes,
And known attachments to let go of instead of letting you hold the baggage.
This poltergeist is my vice, old habits you can’t stow away in the frozen attic.
faded memories bathed in vulture feces to remind us of the burdens we hold,
From jaded victories, when you’re yourself your true colors are certain to glow.
being erased like closed curtains, the candlewick dying down’ burning my soul.
crying sound hurting my goal, “imperfect” stapled on everything worthless I own.
The neighbors eavesdrop as I iron my shirt in the mold, no courtesy shown,
They’re speed walking back to their perfect life, I’m carving murder she wrote…
On termite-infested walls, my blood boiling with evil, while I hope for a win.
You can’t just go for a spin when the highwaymen know where you live.
Are they foe or a friend? Either way, they would rejoice if you drove off a cliff,
You know right where you end up, even if your vision is blocked by the solar eclipse.
They called me an addict, but how can that be true because I “know when to quit”.
We share genetics passed down from our father, but what is soaked in my skin?
Breathing in asbestos while I choke to death, Still I sit in this filth; no regret.
There’s easy access to the fire pit downstairs, the cleanliness can pose a threat.
I hope I don’t forget our movie nights, there are not many of those moments left,
Were two homeless souls can coalesce, the only option when there's no one else,
To fulfill this crow’s nest; a slow death after you have been told to hold your breath,
Take a gander at what's grotesque, the bloodstains that remain on the sofa bed…
The half-naked man is covered in vomit, laying in the spot where the devil spawns.
Old memories are dead and gone, here I am wasting away, decaying; left to rot.
What I get for staying in a place I had to settle on, I hated saying I’m better off,
A hostage in this terror plot, no shield I just created a resentful mental block,
Reality helped me connect the dots so I forced you to listen to this long epilogue.
Hoping I don’t get it wrong, I’m haunted by gasoline cans; the smell of ethanol,
Fills the halls, the previous owners used. This house was doused in the ’80s…
I used that as an excuse for why my spouse hated me, what I found in the navy,
Is bound to drive me crazy, I vaguely remember you doubting your safety,
Looking for every nook and cranny, like an escape route so you get out safely,
You’re going through a river of emotion, and feel like you’re drowning lately,
Thinking about the mom that used to live here, the flames surrounding the baby.
I’m going through my own shit, so how can I help you through your breakdown.
If life was rosy-pink, that mom would still be with her son at the playground,
We pass it every day on the way home from work, I watched you space out…
I wanted to put a bullet in my brain, those thoughts hovered like a raincloud,
Especially when that song came on the radio, the one from james brown,
“I got you” it reminds me of those faded memories, pictures I should takedown.
Pictures of an old family, before the mom and dad couldn’t take it and grew apart.
Before the gruesome thoughts, before the cartoons the son drew were charred..
What if this happens to us? I have to make sure I catch every shooting star,
Make a wish before the melody, and capture your eyes when the music starts,
Your favorite track by the wonder years, as you try to prove who you are.
The lyrics remind me… that we all have a final bow, that’s our coup de grace.

I still remember her singing that stupid song…

Originally Posted by the wonder years

Two blackbirds on a highway sign
Are laughing at me at four in the morning
They played the war drum out of time
So I'm not sure where I've been marching
I wanna be strong, but it's not easy anymore
I'm hoping I'm wrong

My biggest fear lives in here; I’ll always keep the door padlocked tight so no one enters.
What renders me a lonesome sinner, is the same thing that keeps this old blood thinner.
So much bitterness, close up that we broke up, she even brought the tow truck with her.
No love, twisted, a relationship so dark & evil that you can watch as the rosebud withers.
I always fall for the first she-devil that smiles at me, like it will help me grow up quicker,
When I literally just used “vulture feces” metaphorically to describe these cold cut dinners,

I guess I took it for granted.

[Dominate]

5 years ago…

He unloads a cooler from his new sedan’s roof racks
A giggling niece runs barefoot over freshly mown bluegrass
A few drinks. A few laughs. Cheers. He lifts a huge glass.
A long conspicuous gawk at the sister-in-law with the huge ass.
Too much, too fast; he downs another bourbon or three
Now he’s talking a little loudly, slightly slurring his speech
He’s ranting - a sermon to preach. His wife is embarrassed.
He’s growing argumentative, picking fights with her parents
She wants to go home. He says his stomach is sick
Then vomits his potato salad all over one of the kids


5 months ago…

His wife is on night shift.
He settles into an armchair with a peaty ten year old sidekick
He likes this; alone with his drink without her scorning
No lecture about she’s growing concerned and this is a warning
Two in the morning, the bottle’s empty. It’s OK, he’ll sip on some beers
He opens the fridge to find them and - SHIT! All six disappeared
That fucking bitch interfered! He turns the house upside down, panicked
Not a fucking drop in sight. He’s growing desperate now. Manic.
He grabs his keys and heads out. Finds a bar to ease this ripe concern
…Leaving his 10 month old son alone in the house until his wife returns

She tells him it’s over. He packs up his life reluctantly
He stays on a buddy’s couch a while. Vodka and sprite for company
… He doesn’t fight for custody


5 days ago…

The diagnosis was delivered after a bevy of scans
Cirrhosis of the liver. Irreparable. Very advanced.
The prognosis was the kicker. They gave him a couple of years
And less… much less, if he wouldn’t ease up on the beers
But his only means of coping is a bottle driven stupor
Every sober thought he has feels like an obstinate intruder
Two days and he’s back to drinking. He marks himself a loser
Scared and seeking solace in the arms of his abuser


Now…

The carpet is sticky.
A teal and mustard atrocity straight from the heart of the sixties.
He stumbles out of the men’s room, smelling of vomit and whiskey.
Dark ringed and misty, his eyes meet the barman’s. He orders a gin.
He’ll cut this one with tonic then go back to the hard stuff again.
A quarter to ten in the morning, no calling into work anymore.
Not today, or tomorrow, or however long eternity’s for.
The certainty’s more of a comfort now, knowing this all will pass.
He watches his hand as it reaches, trembling, towards his glass.
Expediting his exit from this existence he aimlessly nurtured
Passing what’s left of his life as a passive, sedated observer

[Candy]

eviction:
thats was soo personal i loved you delved right into the reader and didnt let go even whe your shaking your pen about.. its like as far as first 1/3 it was straight solid my style just perfect vocab - perfect structure, delivery all top notch.. the story had soo much emotion and just in general prolly one of the most personal and close to the now stories i have read ever.. dope

dom:

the story how it was told was cool, structured so that you just get a snippet of the down fall.. every stanza bar the last line was this falling person just hitting every bad luck on the way down and though graphic in detail and emotion ps story telling delivery it was still lacking in vocab hard punches like twisted double meaning words and shit like that for my style.. but your last line captured all that in its irony.. dope thanks..

vote = eviction

it was just like a mini book, so i loved its style gl guys

[brokenhal0]

Eviction : I like how you weave concepts from your emotions and use that which is against you and transmute it it adds a real personal feel and i think that what gave u the edge this week i would usually find these type of stories a bit drab (soft) but there was a passionate underlying rage a hint of pain a glimpse into your personality which shined threw and obviously is the artist best friend one of the more emotionally gritty verses this season..it makes me happy as a writer honestly


Dominate:I think this week the underlying irony and humor in your verses
might have got the best of you there's a certain battle mc aura that your pieces have a real veteran appeal and it just commands the readers respect while the story is worthy a short screenplay and
shows that your in a special league of writers i felt evictions piece matched it in more ways then one and that would be the personal character development its a subjective win and i could go tie ..


vote : Eviction

both mc's wrote some wizardry i still consider those W's against me Flukes btw guys but respect great battle

[NYCSPITZ]

Eviction you had some cool moments and bars but at times it seems like you’re not developing the story, like it’s observation after observation which can be a chore to read through. At the beginning I thought it was about a serial killer, turns out it’s some dude who’s missing his devilish wife, with a kind of weak tie in to vulture feces which I had completely forgotten about from the first stanza. I don’t know man, I liked your verse from the other week alot more. I think It’d be better if you went for more action than description.

Dom pretty cool verse. I thought it had a nice development, nice clean progression and cool flow. Alcoholic dude, wife leaves him, he dies. Like I said, thought it was pretty cool, would have liked to see a bit more on why he was an alcoholic maybe if you had more time, that might have been a nice extra layer, but I thought you did enough with flow, delivery and concept to take it here

V/ dominate

[Universe]

Eviction:

This is right on par with I expected from you, which is generally a good thing. Technically sound, cool flow and multi's that lead you down a path... I really think you follow your words to where they lead, without as much 'interruption' that I'm used seeing from a topical writer. This is both good and bad.

It's good because it's impressive to see. Your technique shines and you can drop some really dope rhyme schemes.

It's bad because the narrative takes a hit. You should always be in control, dropping breadcrumbs for the reader as to what's to come. You should know the ending before you start.

That said, you did better here. I kinda/sorta followed the story and it was kind of cool up until that weird af ending about vulture feces which, quite frankly, cheapened everything that came before it. Which is a shame because there was some real depth to be found here.

But overall, solid stuff dude. Enjoyed it.

Please try to vote more.


Dominate:

There was a simplicity here that I really enjoyed. This was by far your most direct approach to a topic and you brought all your usual abilities - Flow (probably the best in the league) wording (clear as day) and just the general skill to really connect with the reader. So I appreciate all that and think it takes immense talent to pull all that off.

BUT...

This was as surface as surface gets in terms of narrative. It just felt like I was reading an introduction to an epic piece... which then just ended. It told a basic story of a drunk and the stages the goes through; and although told expertly, it just seemed like so much more could've been done here.

I mean, I did enjoy the 5 years ago, 5 months ago... time build up toward the present, and the descriptions were really good. But I was left a little unsatisfied... It looked to be about 50 lines or so? You had another 50 you could've used (seeing how Contender matches can go up to 100 lines) and you could've used those to flesh this thing out... maybe even continue the journey into the future... 5 months from now ... 5 years from now ... And show us where he goes. Describe to us the effect alcohol has on the body and the toll it takes. Describe the breakdown and the inevitable death. I think doing all that would have made this verse complete... Instead of just "well he will be a passive, sedated observer his whole life and that's that."

That's not that. It never is. Give us an ending we can sink our teeth into...

So I mean, a great battle for sure. But I feel like this is the brokenhal0/Objective problem all over again. A piece packed with content against one that is lighter yet was pulled off more expertly.

I think NYCSPITZ pretty much nailed it. I'm just expanding a bit.

I liked Eviction's creativity better but he didn't pull it off the way he should have. And his ending was... different. But his technical ability was on display as always.

Dominate's piece, although lacking in content, really hit the mark in terms of connecting to the reader and flow/wording. It could've been so much more... But I can't penalize him too much for that.

Vote: Dominate

Really close battle. Eviction would've taken this easily had he focused his narrative more. Dominate would've ran away with it had he packed in more content. Both writers needed what the other had lol. Entertaining shit all around guys.

[Adonis]

Eviction - your name fit the concept lol. I enjoyed this verse a lot, it paced well and simply kept forming layer and layer. The potter plants/ uninvited guests opener I loved through and through. I also am not sure I read many of your verses this season, but I thought you did very well in terms of flow. Individual line concept was something you clearly play with, sou respect that part. But, sometimes hard to follow, or not follow but decipher really. Which isn't a bad thing because it leaves it open for interpretation amongst all voters. Good read my man, I will def add you to the list of people I look forward to reading in the future.

Dom- damn, so this hard for me this week, a friend of mine, only 33-34 died two days ago from cirosis of liver. You actually explained her well in family gatherings or weddings then nightly and daily life as well. I will add, my one hiccup is you said 2 am he drove to a bar, every state I've been in thus far here in good ol USA they close at 2 am. But I'm sure somewhere they do not. I also really liked the leaps in time, it kept the story moving, you gave us little snippets of life in a day, then would jump because nothing had changed. Thoroughly enjoyed my man, even if it was a bad reminder for me, I still loved the actual writing

V / Dom

As I stated just two days ago I lost a friend to cirosis,a young girl that wanted to live here life and die doing what she loved. So eviction was never really gonna win this one for me, doms was just too close to home, was kind of an ode to her life really. Ggs both of you, this was my favorite battle thus far quite frankly my two favorite verses this week

[Frank]

My other vote got deleted when they closed the battle

At a bar now


Dominate

Fancy Barmanship. Went down smooth without too much burn. Did have some bite to it, not much burn, though. Ton of foam. Lots of head. Easy drinkability. Couldve been harder proof. Dlight buzz. Very precise pour over skills, can tell your a good drunk. Was like drinking white claw out of jameson bottle.

Eviction

Spinning flow, no frills, I felt a lot of the turmoil and actually gotb a decent hangover reading this. There was real emotion bottled up here. The ending was on some A A shit, added an drunken assshole factor

V/t eviction

[Objective]

Eviction: Attention grabbing start, brings you into the story for sure. Emotion-filled throughout with darkness that resides inside the main character of your story and the love and resentment for his partner. Thought it was well described but the wording and execution of this stood out to me:

I have to make sure I catch every shooting star,
Make a wish before the melody, and capture your eyes when the music starts,
^That was beautiful

I guess I took it for granted.
^Great closure.

Dope stuff

Dominate: Dope first stanza, however... Vomiting all over the kids was a bit over the top, in front of the kids would have been enough but I see what you're getting at. Alcoholism is filthy.

Damn, 5 months ago? So, she stays with him, now I don't particularly like either of your characters, lol. Good thing she finally left him in the end tho.

5 days ago and his choices catch up to him, this took a dark turn.

He marks himself a loser
Scared and seeking solace in the arms of his abuser
^Dope description of alcohol abusing him and having him in its grasp. Good stuff

A quarter to ten in the morning, no calling into work anymore.
Not today, or tomorrow, or however long eternity’s for.
^This too was dope to me

Closure was good as well. This is the tale of an alcoholic as his life comes falling down around him while he can't let go of the bottle for reasons unknown other than being addicted to the substance. Would have liked to know the reasons for his alcoholism and what drove him there but I guess the consequences of his drug of choice don't care about the reasons. Dark story that's well described with decent metaphors and a timeline.

Vote: Eviction. His story had a little bit more depth to it overall, I also particularly liked how he added the song as well and didn't take his own spin on the quote given. Dominate had a decent story as well but it was a bit more straight forward and lacked emotion, and a reason for me to care about the characters. His strong point was the timeline and descriptions here and there that was well crafted, Eviction takes it on overall execution for me.