WEEK FOUR: EVICTION (2-0) vs BROKENHAL0 (2-1) EVICTION WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FOUR

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 19TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
"Which would be worse, to live a monster or die as a good man?" Shutter Island, 2010


GOOD LUCK

[brokenhal0]

"Which would be worse, to live a monster or die as a good man?" Shutter Island, 2010




Underneath the escalator near the pretzel stand a frowning clown pops balloons
in polka dot overalls holding a bassoon ferns in june helium harry
hounds jump over the moon a woman get pick pocketed by goons
emanating fumes this man takes a shit and leaves the room
consumed by the scrutiny of a scrutinizer so the monster inside him
becomes a super fighter see you're the liar laying traps in the way facts
making man question himself so he can play it back in his head
till he hates the image and creates a divot in the destiny of dominance
any monster who seeks to eat the virtue I will curse you and you're incompetence
place you in the dirt so the seeds that spring forth evict the waste that will birth you
the monster who becomes the godly of the tongue that's what they fear that's what they love
envisages of a sun dried prune on top of the scrapheap use this excuse to cover wounds
waiting on his immigration papers a man gets shot while flipping burgers doing service
enraged murder maskless man demanding him to hand the cash over
dogwood and chestnut coffins submerged among flowering lily's
seances in Tangiers felt awfully chilly indebted to the dead and they never paid respect
a frustrated mother shakes her colicky baby and breaks it's neck monsters made in flesh
the actions produced where comical lessen evil's emboldened excuses for depravity
dominating deeds left unspoken , eviction notice the locks on your door wont open
caressing hands, became cracking knuckles , hugs and kisses turn to scraps and scuffles
mixing tears with puddles , the one Who walked all night flashing lights spare the troubles
In the wake of legion rising mystery's remained unaccounted while the leaders hiding
tornado's of rage surround the faceless screaming let me in your cellar doors
but the good man keeps it locked knowing if they enter all will die with fury
on the hilltop village the scent of charred flesh smell like burning enamel at the dentist
the bearded lady hangs in the closet from a telephone cord in a floral kimono
no next of kin blue in the face a turntable plays africa from toto a head in a bowling ball case
A World of Shapes in craving Lust & devouring heart ache a man without doubt and shame
the friend you always wanted was a monster in the mirror without a name
evicted your shadow for greater flame weaker will, found my rhyme book in a storm drain
in the seconds of desperation realizing I need to kill smiling in hell's abode
So spoke the hard cold causeway, in the spiders web of carrots
contriving man on milk crates , his temper reflects his marriage
constrictive ladybug beauty of Belinda,carving figures into bounded timber
like a druid in the alps trekking in the heart of winter
into the bosom of the night , Lilith's army tugs my jester
looking into the eyes of the innocent , while destroying foundation
a smile of fear , prior to hesitation in groans & tears
dragging myself across cobblestone stairs , to prove my dedication
But she stretched out her starry Night in Spaces against me I slept like the children
I haven't met a monster who had the patience , in the void of concrete
A long Serpent, in the Abyss of conscious bias , augmented reality
Dragons breathe tungsten fires , wings camouflaged in dandelion
Flying machines reveal misery uncertain, the arsonist who hides behind the curtain
When those who disregard all Moral Things, saw the Mighty-king
Among the cornucopia of plastic grapes , still retain his awful strength
They wondered; checking their wild flames , how to get away with death..

[Eviction]

good luck getting votes

"Which would be worse, to live a monster or die as a good man?" Shutter Island, 2010


A real monster lurks in the shadows or gallows beyond the grave.
An exoskeleton of the modern-day, so you breathe in toxic waste.
A monster can come in many forms, the man or your chronic pain.
When there’s a lot on your plate, a good man would concentrate,
On the culture, mold it so it’s not as fake; look through his dossier.
It’s proof that everyone is a monster, or a good man to exonerate.
I tried to describe my Leviathan, but I’ll never be able to find the words.
This hostile environment has me on high alert, it caused quite the stir,
Fighting behemoths, dying of thirst, a win would only be a minor perk.
You’re a monster if you have to fuck over the good guy to line your purse,
It makes you question your time on earth if monster is the title you earn.
For every colossus, there’s a crooked politician that’ll strike a vital nerve.
We entered a grey zone, this subject is unhealthy like when you chain smoke.
You leave this world a good man, but what does it say on the gravestone?
It’s this evil you take home, if you let it get to you, you’re a scapegoat.
Paraphernalia sitting on the mantal to ward of these evil spirits; case closed?
Or did you just create a facade, so you can complain about your broken halo?
The monster is always on the payroll, the good man is just a grace note.
With no trace of hope, you play with the ouija board so you stay relevant.
These stories about monsters was your bread and butter, your element.
Why do you write about the devil with eloquence, the fixation is evident.
If you continue to stay on the topic of hell, you will become a resident,
The monsters get a statue, the only thing a good man leaves is his skeleton.
If you use the repellent, maybe you're the first good man elected president.
If you feed the monster after dark, you will see the phlegm he coughs up.
You imagine the worst, I see the beauty, to me a monster is a foxglove,
I threw the demon table scraps, that only gives it strength in the long run.
I’ll let it feast in the midnight hours, whatever it takes to gets the job done.
The good man is taking the back seat, the monster is always riding shotgun.
You don’t want to starve the beast, even if you’re on the menu at his potluck.
A monster is celebrated, a good man is spit on and respect is hard to earn.
It’s the man that jumps in front of your pontiac, after you make that sharp turn.
It’s the bartender pouring bourbon, he don’t know you’ll never learn…
His heavy hand emptying gasoline, he’s just not there when the carpet burns.
He’s not there when officers pull you over and smell whiskey as you start to slur.
He’s not there when you’re lost for words, or when you caught at your worse.
The monster is the drug dealer, he just won’t let you chop lines on his table.
You have to deal with this addiction alone, a good story is only a fable.
The monster is inebriated when you overdose and the diagnoses are fatal.
The monster with a broken halo, it’s true he used to have qualities of an angel,
Sometimes being the good guy is painful, especially if that’s your only label.
Betrayal made the good guy faithful, now the pros and cons are tangled.
If you desensitize and look past the evil, maybe his monster is cosplay.
Maybe he’ll help you through that long day, or guide you from the wrong way.
When “those bad thoughts” dominate, and fog in your brain hits like octane.
He’s here for a brief window, and won’t belittle you because of your lost faith.
You can blame your catatonic state if you regret when the monster gone astray.
A good man can look grotesque too, while the monster is wearing a dog chain.
I should just simp out for the theater popcorn, that’s where my heart's set.
I’m probably sharing my milk duds with the monster, is that far-fetched?
You look at me like you’re a target and you’re the one I’m going to harm next.
I called you a monster because you asked me, you wanted your palm read.
Slow dance with this derelict, the song ended with my intentions hard pressed.
This “good man” has felonies on his record, that’s longer than my armrest.
If I’m a monster that doesn’t mean I have to button up for your boat show.
Toughing up for the cold snow, a good man runs from the blown smoke.
This world is a fucking mess when I die I don’t want to leave it scattered.
I know I’m on the brink of demise, I have panic attacks and I’m breathing faster.
I don’t think about giving up, only the victims when I see them battered.
The bible? Really… What am I going to accomplish from reading chapters…
I can die a good man or a monster, in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

[NYCSPITZ]

brokenhalo: I thought you showed some flashes of cool imagery (plastic grapes, polka dots overalls holding a bassoon). Hoever you overdid it a few times with descriptors that didn’t really fit the manpoem (ex. You go from escalator pretzels and a helium baloon & a basson, cool enough, then you add…ferns in june? Why lol it doesn’t fit…you could’ve just described the clown then said “it’s helium harry” instead of adding the fern shit then it would’ve been a dope line). There were other weird word choices like divot in the destiny of dominance, a golf term just to create alliteration is meaningless. Then you have bad grammar choices that make sentences seem almost unintelligible, like placing adverbs incorrectly (the monster who becomes the godly of the tongue??) and shit like this. Despite this you string together some sentences that have a pretty cool flow like the chestnut coffins and seances in tangiers was alright. This lacks sharpness and structure in my opinion. Descriptor after descriptor gets boring after a while. As a former champion I think you can do a better job of mixing it up and adding more.

Eviction: Thought this was pretty dope tbh. Flow stands out as your main strength. First few bars could be a bit sharper but they intrigued me and had a sense of direction. The bartender and drunk driver section was pretty dope, and I liked the ending. I think you can do a btter job of switching shit up though, because there was a lot of “A monster is XYZ” followed by “A good man is XYZ”. Gets repetitive. Still liked the flow and the style though, I think you won this handily.

V/ Eviction

[Universe]

First of all, amazing quote from a great movie. (Fun fact: That line was added by the screenwriter and was not in the book) Should be interesting to see where this goes...

brokenhal0:

Another taking a shit reference rears its ugly head early... I'm starting to think you're constipated and are trying to manifest a bowel movement at this point. Hope it works out for you...

This is pretty much what I expected - Bunch of random stuff that sometimes hits but mostly doesn't. But man, your imagery is some of the most creative around and your imagination, while veering wildly off course, can really be something to behold... Problem is it's just so damn random. It can be masterful or just downright laughable... The juxtaposition of this happening line to line is just too jarring to make a cohesive piece in my opinion.

Here's some of my favorite sections though:

"a frustrated mother shakes her colicky baby and breaks it's neck monsters made in flesh
the actions produced where comical lessen evil's emboldened excuses for depravity
dominating deeds left unspoken , eviction notice the locks on your door wont open
caressing hands, became cracking knuckles , hugs and kisses turn to scraps and scuffles"

- Cool section but uneven.

"tornado's of rage surround the faceless screaming let me in your cellar doors
but the good man keeps it locked knowing if they enter all will die with fury
on the hilltop village the scent of charred flesh smell like burning enamel at the dentist"

- Ditto. Love the last line though.

"the friend you always wanted was a monster in the mirror without a name"

- best line of the piece.

Overall, decent job. Just any semblance of a story here didn't exist.

Eviction:

Great flow and multi's as always. Word choices are good. You're very technically sound and seem to be getting better... really cool to see.

You brought a brokenhalo reference into your verse though... I know he did the same but c'mon... it's starts to get old if you just casually mention it. (See Dominate's piece vs. hal0 for how to properly execute it)

Yeah... You didn't need to match your opponent's line limit and shouldn't have. You pretty much recycled your thoughts the rest of the way and nothing new was added. Although your technical proficiency never wavered, your ending section never quite reached the heights of your beginning, when it was fresh.

But I mean, just solid all around man. The problem is, and has always been, your storytelling ability... It's kind of... not there. You are a very good writer, but when up against the top guys, unless you have a story and couple it with your technical ability, you're always going to come up short and be relegated to the mid-card. I hope I'm wrong, because you have all the skill... But as of now I see you as a gatekeeper and not much more. Think MMLP. Nothing wrong with that.

This topic was unbelievable but I felt overall it was squandered with you two. Not because these weren't good verses, because mostly they were, but because any real story was lacking and I cant help but think of the 'what ifs' if say, someone like Dominate or Adverse got a hold of this topic...

But to me, the winner is clear. Eviction is just on a different level technically than hal0 and it gets him the W.

Vote: Eviction

[Master Rock]

I am a Brokenhalo fan, but this week my guy got caught somewhere else. It was a trudge to go through his verse an overabundance of detail scattered leaving me questioning the vast majority of the lines and the flow didn't stream as fluid as usual. Eviction on the other hand brought the A-game. The first four opening lines where enough to kill the first half of halo's verse. Skillfully done. Even though Halo took at jab at Eviction, he didn't feel a thing. Eviction this verse was killer, I don't think anyone could of touched him this week.

[Candy]

brokenhal0:

i love the ending.. the death encounter was like they were never going to cross then at the end they pop up .. and lilly being the main character was developed i fell in love with her.. the poetic creativity is all up my alley.. the vocab was dope.. thanks flow and structure cool very loose which by normal standards was cool to me but in general is held as a negative..

Eviction:
i love the character was drinkable.. i loved it like a little pallet of crayon oils sprayed in such a soft story.. much like halos it was loose but yours was more in a general sense strong.. so you had the elements of the people looking from outside eyes which gets an instant point.. structure was dope.. flow dope.. all in all it was pretty damn good..

vote = eviction

better told molded story.. good luck guys