WEEK FIVE: YDK 0-1 VS FRAZE 0-0 FRAZE WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX


Verse Due: SUNDAY DECEMBER 27TH, 11:59PM EST TIME


Line min: 10

Max: 50

@YDK @fraze


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[YDK]

Yurrr

[fraze]

Whats good.

[fraze]

Sorry man, I couldn't find time to write.

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by fraze

Sorry man, I couldn't find time to write.

Still got till tonight if you can key something

[fraze]

Awaiting inspiration. Passing seconds are uncountable.
On the road to inspiration, obstacles are insurmountable.
This sisyphean struggle, moving leaded weights with heavy strokes
The floor a sea of crumpled pages, left bereft of hope, the levy broke,

This dam is just the damnedest, may the damned adjust to damages,
Forgive my inconsideration, don’t know where my manners is,
Planned to shift parameters... but I’ll just get panned like cameras,
Couldn’t even stammer out a stanza like the amateurs,

Eye on the till, smile on my face, my sleeves concealing aces,
I know the deal, and that’s the reason that I feel impatience,
Filled with rage at these simple soliloquies and stilted phrases
Only wish my words had wings to fly free of their gilded cages

[YDK]

Im lightin the lighter thats lightin the fluid
I'm fightin with fire despite how i do it
I'll fight just to prove that I'm right when I move
Like righteousness go right to the truth.
I got sight in the booth when I'm writin to you
Never pissed off just hyping the mood.
You might wanna fight when I write what I do,
I been ready to die hope you're ready to shoot.
Yeah just take me out, I'm savin face by facin doubt
I've faced a mountain of adversity it hurts to see the clouds
The peak is just a goal but I get high to forget the lows
I'd be lyin if I denied I wanna die before I'm old.
I been goin through some shit that I've never fuckin told
So just know I got my reasons but even breathin takes a toll.
I'm just wasting time I find that smokin clears my mind,
I'll be jokin till I'm chokin while I'm focused on these lines.
I use this keyboard to escape there aint no meanin that you can find,
And if you ask if I'm alright I'll just reply that I'm fine.

I'm free

[Universe]

fraze:

First impression is you wrote "inspiration" twice in the first bar - never good. After that though it picked up; some wordplay sprinkled in there which I appreciate.. (not all the damn/dam ones though) This was short and to-the-point but nothing wrong with that. I felt this got stronger as it went along and ended well.

Loved this part:

"Eye on the till, smile on my face, my sleeves concealing aces,
I know the deal, and that’s the reason that I feel impatience,"

- Very cool imagery and totally true. A finished product or an exciting idea really does inspire impatience that one has to fight against.

I would've loved to see you go longer as you are a talented writer (I saw that in the NBL) and I'm glad you joined up here. Nice debut overall, man. Just write more next time.


YDK:

This was a solid verse throughout. It felt like you kind of just sat down and wrote something on the spot, the talent is evident but it didn't seem to offer much introspection about the topic you were given. Last week you did better in this regard but didn't drop enough lines. This week you short changed yourself again (as did you opponent) and I would've liked to have seen more. If you dropped 50 here you probably would've won. But I guess I can say the same for fraze...

Yeah, overall this is too Open Mic'ish for me... there isnt enough substance here. You're good at what you do, but this is a clear case of "hard work beats talent when talent refuses to work hard". I get the time constraints placed on us by the holidays but I feel you are doing yourself an injustice by just not GOING IN... You're talented enough to drop something really thought provoking... Just have to show us what you're REALLY capable of...

In the end, I got fraze taking this quick battle with his wordplay and creativity. His piece just spoke to me more and made me re-read a few of his lines. And that was enough.

Vote - fraze

[Adverse]

You know for a pair of short verses there was a lot to be said between the two of you

Fraze - believe this is the first time I read a topical of yours and I’m thoroughly impressed. Your writing was layered and had a lot of weight to it, I was thrown off too by the double use of inspiration (if you ever find yourself in the situation of repeating yourself try and find a synonym) other than that I enjoyed the rest of the piece your multi syllable rhyming matches up well and makes for a smooth read all the way through . Very good imagery and descriptive words. Enjoyable piece even if it was rushed

YDK - know you’re a talented writer man and though this did feel a little rushed I’m glad you got a verse in this week. There were some cool bits of imagery here but I felt that the narrative lacked a little bit because of the lackadaisical approach to it, just didn’t feel like you were following a storyline just venting which is cool but we need something a little more substance heavy and topic related, I did like the correlation with being free in the last bit though
Overall Fraze had the stronger verse this week, short but sweet and he got it done

V/FRAZE

[Master Rock]

Fraze from beginning to end you put me there (in the seat where us writers reside). And honestly,

"The floor a sea of crumpled pages, left bereft of hope, the levy broke,

This dam is just the damnedest, may the damned adjust to damages,
Forgive my inconsideration, don’t know where my manners is,"

^^My goodness, this was so slick!

Also, throughout you kept the pace with the wordplay and slapbacks all while sticking to the point. I honestly have nothing negative to say about this verse..just sick!

YDK, this seemed like an introspection. I got a sense that you are being literal throughout and I was thrown off by the death wish spin (got me hoping everything's ok but as time went on you explain the deteriorating nature of your youth). Beyond that statement and the other related details to that, what really stood out to me was,

"I've faced a mountain of adversity it hurts to see the clouds
The peak is just a goal but I get high to forget the lows"

This was truly a beautifully painted picture of thought (madd ill)^^.

After your spheel you brought the topic to conclusion defining your reasoning for the process and also answering the question that the reader may ask and that is: are you alright?

"I'll just reply that I'm fine.

I'm free"

Lovely ending^^.

But when it is all said and done, I am giving it to Fraze based on the formulation and the tenacity to clasp the topic and swallow it whole.

[Pharaohs Army]

fraze
Pretty good verse. I like the multis and it was short and sweet. Got your point across. Nothing spectacular but it's good.
It helped that your closing stanza was the strongest.

YDK
Rhyme about yourself and your life. Good multis, strong rhyming. I like this part
Yeah just take me out, I'm savin face by facin doubt
I've faced a mountain of adversity it hurts to see the clouds
Very thought out and personal.
Couple marijuana references which is cool because I like to smoke as well.
Good verse; just don't think it's enough

I just think 1 verse resonated with me more than the other and that was V Fraze in a close one.

[Adverse]

FRAZE WINS 4-0