WEEK 4: Champ match: Clutbuck vs Adverse - CLUT WINS 5-3

Inno · 04-12-2020, 10:48 AM

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Clutbuck @Adverse

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 16, 2020 EST

GOODLUCK!

Clutbuck · 04-12-2020, 10:56 AM

“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars.” - Frank Sinatra

Could you swing on the moon? It’s theoretically possible
but if you pursued it you may be met with some obstacles:
Let’s ditch the logical things like $10 billion in start-up you’ve lost
on the premise you wanted to regardless of cost.
Before embarking upon a journey that’s out of this realm
you’ll argue with mom you’re a “Big Boy”, now that you’re twelve.
If somehow you still quell her concerns on safety for a second
you’re then faced with a deterrent in conservation of momentum.
In space you need propellant to, well, propel you through space
I’d recommend that you take LH² for its low molecular weight.
The energy saved in doing so here’s as crucial as any —
weight distribution needs plenty of thought to help move as intended.
The moon has a density of 3.34 g/cm3 so before beginning ascent
you may wish to preempt weighing less than you did when you left.
There’s this thing I expect you’ll have heard of called ‘gravitational pull’
so your rate of propulsion must be 9.81*m/s^² to obtain a result.
Let’s say for the fun of it you accomplish this step with ease
you’ve still to plot a trajectory before you conquer your destiny.
I’m not even mentioning your lack of a launching station
or how rockets excel to speeds of 4.9m/s, and you’ve no formal training.
But I’m happy ignoring danger, if it’s at your expense
so let’s pit you in orbit then since this mission’s a sure success -
The risks to exploring nebulae accelerate as you pass through
and this is before we get a swing set to stay on the damn moon!
See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses,
you’ll find it’s sucked your tool kit to beyond by the time you’ve put the screws in.
Ever tried constructing units in interplanetary spaces?
The microgravity you’re faced with means simple tasks can take you ages.
Plus carrying a play set all the way there would just waste fuel
that’s if radiation doesn’t kill you first. You’re not wearing a space suit.

Adverse · 04-12-2020, 12:41 PM

I am here and yes @Clutbuck i will post earlier than the due date

Adverse · 04-14-2020, 09:55 AM

Intergalactic itinerancy, trekking through asteroid fields
Wiping descending droplets of Jupiter from these spacecraft windshields
Pressing my cheek against the freezing glass just to get a little closer
Brushing my face against the bursting hues of the illustrious supernovas
Sometimes I shout the loudest i can, ask the stars if they hear me
The absolute silence of space teeters between peaceful and eerie
I've grown tired of the monotonous humming of this giant, flying fortress
Home to me and a few million others on a mission of infallible importance
Ask people who we are, "alien invaders!" is what they'll say
We come to prosperous places just to decimate leaving a wasteland plagued with craters in our wake
We hit the ground running, impatiently we prey
Attaching ourselves like leeches until there's nothing draining from the veins
Conniving kind of creatures, masters of infiltration and fronts
Friendly faces that'll be picking our teeth with the bones of your civilization in months
Gluttonous by nature, no one is spared in our way
Repainting lush forest greenery the browns and greys of barren decay
Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses
Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates
Rinse and repeat, it's been decades of singing this chorus
I hardly think about the desolation we were causing, there was no reason before this..

But tonight I stare into the heart of this vast black universe n
It feels like a caricature of my soul all the way down to the hints of bruised blue bleeding to the surface
As I drift to sleep, I find myself floating in a shining sea of darkness
Paralyzed as my memories play by as a fleeting stream of conscious
I see it all, the plants and beasts we've eaten, the scenery we've abolished
What we've done finally sinking in, like Eve eating fruit of the tree of knowledge
Finally allowed to bow my head to my reflection, but what i see it looks demonic!
I wake up screaming - then i pause - to see groups of people speeding towards the cockpit…
What could make a pack of ravenous savages break out into unfathomable panic?
I understand once I climb through the massive traffic and see it staring back through the glass - The galaxy's last inhabitable planet

"In pushing other species to extinction, humanity is busy sawing off the limb on which it is perched." - Paul Ehrlich

Universe · 04-14-2020, 11:33 AM

Champ match! For all the marbles... looking forward to this.

Clutbuck - Well this was unexpected lol. I didnt know what you were going to do with this topic but I couldnt have predicted this... and I actually dont mind it. It seems you took the topic literally and at face value (which is actually preferable to what you did last week) and I enjoyed reading all those facts about the moon's density and rocket propulsion etc... It was like a rocket scientist speaking to their child and forgetting to dumb things down lol. In fact, that's probably EXACTLY what this was haha...

I liked this section here near the end:

"See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses,
you’ll find it’s sucked your tool kit to beyond by the time you’ve put the screws in.
Ever tried constructing units in interplanetary spaces?
The microgravity you’re faced with means simple tasks can take you ages"

There were some negatives though technically... some awkward wording here and there (maybe it's just how I read it though). I still got your point but more editing would have cleaned this up nicely. Overall though, I enjoyed this, Lars. Good work.

Adverse - Another banger here from Mr. Adverse, but not without it's minor flaws. First off, the way you describe things is tantamount to watching a movie. It's so vivid... I can picture what you're getting across without any effort. This is the mark of a good writer. Some of these lines were just butter to read, my friend... so smooth.

My favorite section:

"Gluttonous by nature, no one is spared in our*way
Repainting lush forest greenery the browns and greys of barren decay
Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses
Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates
Rinse and repeat, it's been decades of singing this chorus*
I hardly think about the desolation we were causing, there was no reason before this.."

Like God damnit man! This was just a beautifully crafted few bars here that really drew me in. That said, as good as your lines were, I also felt some were ruined by an overly long flow at points. Like every line was solid, but some just felt a little bloated for my taste. Maybe a little too descriptive... whatever it was, the flow just seemed long-winded at times.

Oh and I really liked your ending with the crash landing... you made Eartth seem like an alien planet after spending some time with our alien friend, bravo. And cool quote too to finish things off. (Also you mentioned my name in your verse so you get bonus points lol jk)

Great battle guys. Worthy of a champ match for sure. I gotta go with what I predicted from the beginning though... And New...

Vote - Adverse

MMLP · 04-16-2020, 05:41 AM

Clut - negs out the way first, it felt too wordy at times, it must be deliberate becuz u want me to realise I'm wrong in a way or just u being stubbourn, it's like your challenging the reader to appreciate your techincal aspect, once its grasped, it flows alot better on second read tbf.

It felt real rushed tbh but it was executed fine technically) I suppose (story is dope, well get to that).

Space suit, waste fuel is forced af in my accent, sorry bro. But I can see it working with most

Fook me,

I don’t know how the fook u came up with this to that topic/ pic, I stared at it for ages and drew a blank. You went to town on this one and fully immersed yourself in what was on display. The breakdown of why it might be theoretically possible, (but highly improbable lmao) is where this really shines, from the perspective of a "so called" naive youngster. Its you on top form when storytelling, being the narrator etc, really draws u in, leaves u hanging on the next line.

I cant vouch for the technical scientific numbers you stated, knowing you, they will be true but I ain't gonna pretend I know innit, cba to look it up either. To those accuracies behind what it would take to achieve it, are handled well and you strike a good balance between the serious n comedic as ever. I think part of the reason I enjoyed it so much is that I would never have thought to approach it this way myself. Creative af
u better come out for a beer next time I ask mf, especially if adverse fucks this up n I'm forced to vote for ya. Good read, sick spin

Adverse - negs- this felt as rushed as barons tbh, the lines were long man, wasnt enough going on in them for me to stay super engaged u know (first section only) hard for a simpleton like me to get into, it may appear same line lengths as barons but theres much more going on to not appreciate them more.

Loses momentum in my humble opinion, and that's all it is

that being said the second part gave this piece the substance it needed, felt like u went too long creating a nice lustrous piece in poetry and imagery n all that, a lot of it didn't need to be there
Totally appreciated what and why u went with the 'twist'

I liked to be surprised, ahh the first part was ok but it lost me for a bit, too many lines dragged on a little, ultimately going off topic

I hate that u both posted early, and ultimately i feel its hurt u more. Neither was probs THAT champ match level, both great spins on the topic but piece didn't have me as engaged throughout as barons, that's what comes down to more than anything

Vote - Clut

Pharaohs Army · 04-16-2020, 08:29 PM

Clutbuck
So I'm impressed by the way this was executed. And I am a bit biased because I also like to take the literal route sometimes with a pic and get technical. (I can't do it like this, but, you knowwhatimean)
Flowed well and good technical aspects of the rhyming.
Read Clutbuck's first and knew it would take a great great verse to top it, just because I enjoyed the angle.
Couldn't help but read the votes before this and I agree that waste fuel/ space suit is a bit of a stretch. I'll ding you for it but not too heavily

Adverse
Also flowed well and good rhyming.
This sucks cuz against most other verses you'd probably win easily. I hate to say it but it truly comes down to "personal preference".
Really enjoyed the end of your first stanza, both technically and content-wise.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adverse

Conniving kind of creatures, masters of infiltration and fronts
Friendly faces that'll be picking our teeth with the bones of your civilization in months
Gluttonous by nature, no one is spared in our way
Repainting lush forest greenery the browns and greys of barren decay
Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses
Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates
Rinse and repeat, it's been decades of singing this chorus
I hardly think about the desolation we were causing, there was no reason before this..

dope

But not enough to take it here, sorry. Just liked Clut's better as a whole and the smartass angle.

V Clutbuck

Vulgar · 04-16-2020, 09:03 PM

Clutbuck, this was respectable and fun. Pretty slick construction of your bars in some places, I liked how the flow picked up in some spots. The concept was very parent-like and mature narrator, like a school principal who's a bit whimsical. You're confident in your abilities and attacked the photo in a direct way. A bit cynical at the end. Reminds me of being in the late 30s or early 40s age range - an attitude shift for the narrator in counseling this young sprout to scale the moonscapes?

Adverse, this was a unique take from the standpoint of a brutal and invasive alien race. You started off a little on the wordy side with the first two words of the verse but settled into more of a groove. Rhyming was nice. In terms of execution, it was definitely thick with description and a general level of good summarization. I felt like the story could've given a bit more during the mid-verse area. Can we see one of the intergalactic invasions - are they all one-sided or was there tough opposition? What makes the invaders so strong, is it technology or 'savagery'? The ending was a good twist, an opportunity for a good effect.

My vote goes to Clutbuck. Adverse's take was more ambitious, but Clutbuck's had a bit more of its bearings and didn't take itself seriously but had interesting moments.

Thanks for the reads gents.

Bodey · 04-18-2020, 08:10 PM

Clut- loved your approach on this. definitely kept me engaged. it reminded me of a father educating his son but also poking fun at it, sarcastic in areas which i enjoyed. if i were to look at this from a deeper angle, it's almost like he's saying chase your dreams but be prepared for setbacks and be prepared in general. maybe not, but that's my take on it. also, the narrator says he doesnt care for danger if it's at his son's expense. maybe i read into that incorrectly, but then i started to think does he want his son to leave or was that just another metaphor for encouraging him to take chances, and to learn how to fail. i like pieces like this bc they're thought provoking so thank you for that

Adverse- descriptive af as usual. the imagery here is impressive, that whole first paragraph was beautifully written. i was actually gonna quote that "gluttonous" bar but someone beat me to it. i do wish you'd elaborated a little more on the dynamics of the characters, you focused more on the imagery surrounding rather than the imagery within, if that makes sense.

this sucks bc this is yet another battle i dont want to vote on. solid verses from you both, and completely different styles and story. but Clut's verse kept me more in tune, and read a little easier for me to be honest. just found it more interesting from a narrator standpoint and technicality within the verse. am i allowed to call a draw though? someone already said it, that this comes down to personal preference. both verses were well written and portrayed the picture creatively. but again, i have to give it to Clut for having a more condensed story. enjoyed both, guys. thanks

V/ Clut

dead man · 04-18-2020, 08:32 PM

clutbuck, extremely literal direction here. you've solidified yourself as a master of melding topic to rhyme, with a universally sound rhythm. you have one of the best senses of RHYTHM here as a participant, your cadence is probably the most consistent, and that makes it easy to follow along whatever story you're drawing for us. you take on a voice of authority and, not negativity, but realism. you're the bootstrap father or the neurotic friend on the spectrum obsessing over details and microtopics while everyone else dreams in big picture. i am a very big picture sort of thinker, so i cannot relate to this voice, but i am familiar with it. the specifics you detail to this kid almost as an instructional manual were an effective touch for the type of character you're embodying. maybe it's how you operate IRL. the writing was sound, for sure - some standouts:

The energy saved in doing so here’s as crucial as any —
weight distribution needs plenty of thought to help move as intended.
- perfect demonstration of your rhyme talents. you weave them into the verse seamlessly, not simply at the end of a stanza.

See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses
- draws us back into the world from the speech-tone, creates a nice distinction and an anchor for the rest of your context.

this was cool. not CONVENTIONALLY as creative as i might have hoped. at least not in the abstract. but it was nicely done.

ADVERSE had a different take, clearly. that of the space invader himself, that rested almost entirely on descriptive self reflections of the crew he's a part of. creating a collective ideology of this group, flying through blackness, pirating the galaxy. i like what vulgar said. this was ambitious in its scope and definitely more of an "abstraction" on the image than clutbuck hit us with. while his was grounded in fact and reason, yours flew off into the stratosphere, so to speak, giving us a big picture effect. your cadence is kind of... stretchy. it feels like you could stand to edit out a LOT of fat in your writing and try to use more distinctive word choices. it sort of interrupts the content you're providing and drags into these run-on sentences the tend to lose my interest at times. not lose it i guess, but strain it so i need to actively draw myself back into the work.

Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses
Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates
- this was sick. even something as succinct as this, however, could stand to be trimmed a bit. but it was your standout stanza, technically, for me.

the direction you took this worked well enough to ground the topic in a familiar place. it sort of felt like an apocalyptic space-age PSA. executed well in theory. the writing itself was not as easy to digest as your opponent. but i sort of enjoyed your direction more. so, like all things, this comes down to personal preference between stylistic execution and the power of your idea vs. Clut's.

i'm finding myself sort of at an impasse here. i suppose it depends on personality type. although yes, adverse's writing was conventionally less masterful than clutbuck's, who has long since dialed in his cadence - i just found adverse's take on the picture more engaging.

voting for adverse here.

Ender · 04-19-2020, 11:12 AM

Clutbuck
This was certainly a very literal take on the picture you were given as a topic! I was engaged with your piece throughout. I think this had more to do with your conversational style than the actual content. Having said that, the content was pretty good as well. It certainly kept me interested to read all of the problems being raised with potentially swinging on the moon. It amused me to think of a young boy saying he wanted to swing on the moon, and the father treating it like it was a serious proposition, and then shooting holes all through the idea! Some of the flow seemed a little off to me. Some of the lines didn't scan for me when I read them aloud, particularly the ones that included ratios, which take a lot longer to say than they do to write. And the piece just seemed to sort of stop, rather than have a clear ending. But those would be my only nitpicks in what was a fun read. Good work.

Adverse
This was an interesting piece to read. The entire topical read to me as an alien reflecting on the way his people had ravaged through the universe and left it destroyed behind, leaving only one planet left. Then they arrive at Earth, presumably ready to destroy it, despite our main character's growing reservations about that course of action. Your writing showcases solid technical writing skill. And the concept behind the verse was a decent starting point. I felt like it might have helped the verse a little to develop the main character a little more, so I could be more invested in his introspection. But I certainly understand the constraints of the line limit, so sacrifices need to be made somewhere! My own preferences would have been to have more action in the story, but that is just my own personal taste in topicals. In all, this was a well written piece. Nice job.

An interesting match here. A lighter style against a weightier take on the material. In the end, the only way I can judge this is to go with the piece that kept me most engaged, and this time it was Clutbuck. His conversational style made his piece easy to read and engage with. Nice pieces by both though.

Vote - Clutbuck

Inno · 04-19-2020, 04:23 PM

ok so I clut I thought you came with the usual precision you are know for. you didn't disappoint with this verse. it was focused and to the point. I wouldn't say literal is the right word because your content is loosely based on the pick, its not literal at all. its the your writing was literal, a bit to literal tbh. at least for my taste this felt a little cold and lacking any real emotion. it felt robotic if that makes any sense.

ad I thought you shined here with your diction. the imagery your dropped was superb and melted well with the pic. I would say your depiction was better than cluts depiction. the big difference of course is that you chose to write a more heartfelt story line that would be easier to relate and thus connect to. as far as content I would you took a safe route but you pulled it off nicely.

in the end I got adverse here. I thought his verse was more enjoyable as a whole piece. both had there shinning moments but I got adverse in this one.

04-12-2020, 10:48 AM	#1
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	WEEK 4: Champ match: Clutbuck vs Adverse - CLUT WINS 5-3 GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Clutbuck @Adverse Max line: 30 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post Due date: April 16, 2020 EST GOODLUCK! Last edited by Inno; 04-19-2020 at 10:51 PM.

04-12-2020, 10:56 AM	#2
Clutbuck Battle Rap's Married Man Join Date: May 2015 Location: Crumpetville, England Posts: 389 Battle Record: 2-0 Champed - Gorilla Writing league Rep Power: 3513498	“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars.” - Frank Sinatra Could you swing on the moon? It’s theoretically possible but if you pursued it you may be met with some obstacles: Let’s ditch the logical things like $10 billion in start-up you’ve lost on the premise you wanted to regardless of cost. Before embarking upon a journey that’s out of this realm you’ll argue with mom you’re a “Big Boy”, now that you’re twelve. If somehow you still quell her concerns on safety for a second you’re then faced with a deterrent in conservation of momentum. In space you need propellant to, well, propel you through space I’d recommend that you take LH² for its low molecular weight. The energy saved in doing so here’s as crucial as any — weight distribution needs plenty of thought to help move as intended. The moon has a density of 3.34 g/cm3 so before beginning ascent you may wish to preempt weighing less than you did when you left. There’s this thing I expect you’ll have heard of called ‘gravitational pull’ so your rate of propulsion must be 9.81m/s^² to obtain a result. Let’s say for the fun of it you accomplish this step with ease you’ve still to plot a trajectory before you conquer your destiny. I’m not even mentioning your lack of a launching station or how rockets excel to speeds of 4.9m/s, and you’ve no formal training. But I’m happy ignoring danger, if it’s at your expense so let’s pit you in orbit then since this mission’s a sure success - The risks to exploring nebulae accelerate as you pass through and this is before we get a swing set to stay on the damn moon! See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses, you’ll find it’s sucked your tool kit to beyond by the time you’ve put the screws in. Ever tried constructing units in interplanetary spaces? The microgravity you’re faced with means simple tasks can take you ages. Plus carrying a play set all the way there would just waste fuel that’s if radiation doesn’t kill you first. You’re not wearing a space suit. Last edited by Clutbuck; 04-14-2020 at 08:29 AM.*

04-14-2020, 11:33 AM	#5
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	Champ match! For all the marbles... looking forward to this. Clutbuck - Well this was unexpected lol. I didnt know what you were going to do with this topic but I couldnt have predicted this... and I actually dont mind it. It seems you took the topic literally and at face value (which is actually preferable to what you did last week) and I enjoyed reading all those facts about the moon's density and rocket propulsion etc... It was like a rocket scientist speaking to their child and forgetting to dumb things down lol. In fact, that's probably EXACTLY what this was haha... I liked this section here near the end: "See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses, you’ll find it’s sucked your tool kit to beyond by the time you’ve put the screws in. Ever tried constructing units in interplanetary spaces? The microgravity you’re faced with means simple tasks can take you ages" There were some negatives though technically... some awkward wording here and there (maybe it's just how I read it though). I still got your point but more editing would have cleaned this up nicely. Overall though, I enjoyed this, Lars. Good work. Adverse - Another banger here from Mr. Adverse, but not without it's minor flaws. First off, the way you describe things is tantamount to watching a movie. It's so vivid... I can picture what you're getting across without any effort. This is the mark of a good writer. Some of these lines were just butter to read, my friend... so smooth. My favorite section: "Gluttonous by nature, no one is spared in ourway Repainting lush forest greenery the browns and greys of barren decay Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates Rinse and repeat, it's been decades of singing this chorus I hardly think about the desolation we were causing, there was no reason before this.." Like God damnit man! This was just a beautifully crafted few bars here that really drew me in. That said, as good as your lines were, I also felt some were ruined by an overly long flow at points. Like every line was solid, but some just felt a little bloated for my taste. Maybe a little too descriptive... whatever it was, the flow just seemed long-winded at times. Oh and I really liked your ending with the crash landing... you made Eartth seem like an alien planet after spending some time with our alien friend, bravo. And cool quote too to finish things off. (Also you mentioned my name in your verse so you get bonus points lol jk) Great battle guys. Worthy of a champ match for sure. I gotta go with what I predicted from the beginning though... And New... Vote - Adverse __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

04-16-2020, 05:41 AM	#6
MMLP Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 600 Battle Record: 15-16 Champed - Write Week 9 Rep Power: 9768087	Clut - negs out the way first, it felt too wordy at times, it must be deliberate becuz u want me to realise I'm wrong in a way or just u being stubbourn, it's like your challenging the reader to appreciate your techincal aspect, once its grasped, it flows alot better on second read tbf. It felt real rushed tbh but it was executed fine technically) I suppose (story is dope, well get to that). Space suit, waste fuel is forced af in my accent, sorry bro. But I can see it working with most Fook me, I don’t know how the fook u came up with this to that topic/ pic, I stared at it for ages and drew a blank. You went to town on this one and fully immersed yourself in what was on display. The breakdown of why it might be theoretically possible, (but highly improbable lmao) is where this really shines, from the perspective of a "so called" naive youngster. Its you on top form when storytelling, being the narrator etc, really draws u in, leaves u hanging on the next line. I cant vouch for the technical scientific numbers you stated, knowing you, they will be true but I ain't gonna pretend I know innit, cba to look it up either. To those accuracies behind what it would take to achieve it, are handled well and you strike a good balance between the serious n comedic as ever. I think part of the reason I enjoyed it so much is that I would never have thought to approach it this way myself. Creative af u better come out for a beer next time I ask mf, especially if adverse fucks this up n I'm forced to vote for ya. Good read, sick spin Adverse - negs- this felt as rushed as barons tbh, the lines were long man, wasnt enough going on in them for me to stay super engaged u know (first section only) hard for a simpleton like me to get into, it may appear same line lengths as barons but theres much more going on to not appreciate them more. Loses momentum in my humble opinion, and that's all it is that being said the second part gave this piece the substance it needed, felt like u went too long creating a nice lustrous piece in poetry and imagery n all that, a lot of it didn't need to be there Totally appreciated what and why u went with the 'twist' I liked to be surprised, ahh the first part was ok but it lost me for a bit, too many lines dragged on a little, ultimately going off topic I hate that u both posted early, and ultimately i feel its hurt u more. Neither was probs THAT champ match level, both great spins on the topic but piece didn't have me as engaged throughout as barons, that's what comes down to more than anything Vote - Clut Last edited by MMLP; 04-16-2020 at 05:58 AM.

04-18-2020, 08:32 PM	#10
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,465 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606676	clutbuck, extremely literal direction here. you've solidified yourself as a master of melding topic to rhyme, with a universally sound rhythm. you have one of the best senses of RHYTHM here as a participant, your cadence is probably the most consistent, and that makes it easy to follow along whatever story you're drawing for us. you take on a voice of authority and, not negativity, but realism. you're the bootstrap father or the neurotic friend on the spectrum obsessing over details and microtopics while everyone else dreams in big picture. i am a very big picture sort of thinker, so i cannot relate to this voice, but i am familiar with it. the specifics you detail to this kid almost as an instructional manual were an effective touch for the type of character you're embodying. maybe it's how you operate IRL. the writing was sound, for sure - some standouts: The energy saved in doing so here’s as crucial as any — weight distribution needs plenty of thought to help move as intended. - perfect demonstration of your rhyme talents. you weave them into the verse seamlessly, not simply at the end of a stanza. See space is a vacuum, but not the kind your mother uses - draws us back into the world from the speech-tone, creates a nice distinction and an anchor for the rest of your context. this was cool. not CONVENTIONALLY as creative as i might have hoped. at least not in the abstract. but it was nicely done. ADVERSE had a different take, clearly. that of the space invader himself, that rested almost entirely on descriptive self reflections of the crew he's a part of. creating a collective ideology of this group, flying through blackness, pirating the galaxy. i like what vulgar said. this was ambitious in its scope and definitely more of an "abstraction" on the image than clutbuck hit us with. while his was grounded in fact and reason, yours flew off into the stratosphere, so to speak, giving us a big picture effect. your cadence is kind of... stretchy. it feels like you could stand to edit out a LOT of fat in your writing and try to use more distinctive word choices. it sort of interrupts the content you're providing and drags into these run-on sentences the tend to lose my interest at times. not lose it i guess, but strain it so i need to actively draw myself back into the work. Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates - this was sick. even something as succinct as this, however, could stand to be trimmed a bit. but it was your standout stanza, technically, for me. the direction you took this worked well enough to ground the topic in a familiar place. it sort of felt like an apocalyptic space-age PSA. executed well in theory. the writing itself was not as easy to digest as your opponent. but i sort of enjoyed your direction more. so, like all things, this comes down to personal preference between stylistic execution and the power of your idea vs. Clut's. i'm finding myself sort of at an impasse here. i suppose it depends on personality type. although yes, adverse's writing was conventionally less masterful than clutbuck's, who has long since dialed in his cadence - i just found adverse's take on the picture more engaging. voting for adverse here. __________________ Zack Wicks for president Last edited by dead man; 04-18-2020 at 10:06 PM.

04-12-2020, 12:41 PM	#3
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	I am here and yes @Clutbuck i will post earlier than the due date

04-14-2020, 09:55 AM	#4
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Intergalactic itinerancy, trekking through asteroid fields Wiping descending droplets of Jupiter from these spacecraft windshields Pressing my cheek against the freezing glass just to get a little closer Brushing my face against the bursting hues of the illustrious supernovas Sometimes I shout the loudest i can, ask the stars if they hear me The absolute silence of space teeters between peaceful and eerie I've grown tired of the monotonous humming of this giant, flying fortress Home to me and a few million others on a mission of infallible importance Ask people who we are, "alien invaders!" is what they'll say We come to prosperous places just to decimate leaving a wasteland plagued with craters in our wake We hit the ground running, impatiently we prey Attaching ourselves like leeches until there's nothing draining from the veins Conniving kind of creatures, masters of infiltration and fronts Friendly faces that'll be picking our teeth with the bones of your civilization in months Gluttonous by nature, no one is spared in our way Repainting lush forest greenery the browns and greys of barren decay Carnivorous scavengers, surgically picking every piece from the corpses Leave into orbit, find our next home, ping in the coordinates Rinse and repeat, it's been decades of singing this chorus I hardly think about the desolation we were causing, there was no reason before this.. But tonight I stare into the heart of this vast black universe n It feels like a caricature of my soul all the way down to the hints of bruised blue bleeding to the surface As I drift to sleep, I find myself floating in a shining sea of darkness Paralyzed as my memories play by as a fleeting stream of conscious I see it all, the plants and beasts we've eaten, the scenery we've abolished What we've done finally sinking in, like Eve eating fruit of the tree of knowledge Finally allowed to bow my head to my reflection, but what i see it looks demonic! I wake up screaming - then i pause - to see groups of people speeding towards the cockpit… What could make a pack of ravenous savages break out into unfathomable panic? I understand once I climb through the massive traffic and see it staring back through the glass - The galaxy's last inhabitable planet *"In pushing other species to extinction, humanity is busy sawing off the limb on which it is perched." - Paul Ehrlich*

04-16-2020, 09:03 PM	#8
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	Clutbuck, this was respectable and fun. Pretty slick construction of your bars in some places, I liked how the flow picked up in some spots. The concept was very parent-like and mature narrator, like a school principal who's a bit whimsical. You're confident in your abilities and attacked the photo in a direct way. A bit cynical at the end. Reminds me of being in the late 30s or early 40s age range - an attitude shift for the narrator in counseling this young sprout to scale the moonscapes? Adverse, this was a unique take from the standpoint of a brutal and invasive alien race. You started off a little on the wordy side with the first two words of the verse but settled into more of a groove. Rhyming was nice. In terms of execution, it was definitely thick with description and a general level of good summarization. I felt like the story could've given a bit more during the mid-verse area. Can we see one of the intergalactic invasions - are they all one-sided or was there tough opposition? What makes the invaders so strong, is it technology or 'savagery'? The ending was a good twist, an opportunity for a good effect. My vote goes to Clutbuck. Adverse's take was more ambitious, but Clutbuck's had a bit more of its bearings and didn't take itself seriously but had interesting moments. Thanks for the reads gents.

04-19-2020, 11:12 AM	#11
Ender Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2017 Posts: 118 Battle Record: 5-12 Rep Power: 247408	Clutbuck This was certainly a very literal take on the picture you were given as a topic! I was engaged with your piece throughout. I think this had more to do with your conversational style than the actual content. Having said that, the content was pretty good as well. It certainly kept me interested to read all of the problems being raised with potentially swinging on the moon. It amused me to think of a young boy saying he wanted to swing on the moon, and the father treating it like it was a serious proposition, and then shooting holes all through the idea! Some of the flow seemed a little off to me. Some of the lines didn't scan for me when I read them aloud, particularly the ones that included ratios, which take a lot longer to say than they do to write. And the piece just seemed to sort of stop, rather than have a clear ending. But those would be my only nitpicks in what was a fun read. Good work. Adverse This was an interesting piece to read. The entire topical read to me as an alien reflecting on the way his people had ravaged through the universe and left it destroyed behind, leaving only one planet left. Then they arrive at Earth, presumably ready to destroy it, despite our main character's growing reservations about that course of action. Your writing showcases solid technical writing skill. And the concept behind the verse was a decent starting point. I felt like it might have helped the verse a little to develop the main character a little more, so I could be more invested in his introspection. But I certainly understand the constraints of the line limit, so sacrifices need to be made somewhere! My own preferences would have been to have more action in the story, but that is just my own personal taste in topicals. In all, this was a well written piece. Nice job. An interesting match here. A lighter style against a weightier take on the material. In the end, the only way I can judge this is to go with the piece that kept me most engaged, and this time it was Clutbuck. His conversational style made his piece easy to read and engage with. Nice pieces by both though. Vote - Clutbuck

04-19-2020, 04:23 PM	#12
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	ok so I clut I thought you came with the usual precision you are know for. you didn't disappoint with this verse. it was focused and to the point. I wouldn't say literal is the right word because your content is loosely based on the pick, its not literal at all. its the your writing was literal, a bit to literal tbh. at least for my taste this felt a little cold and lacking any real emotion. it felt robotic if that makes any sense. ad I thought you shined here with your diction. the imagery your dropped was superb and melted well with the pic. I would say your depiction was better than cluts depiction. the big difference of course is that you chose to write a more heartfelt story line that would be easier to relate and thus connect to. as far as content I would you took a safe route but you pulled it off nicely. in the end I got adverse here. I thought his verse was more enjoyable as a whole piece. both had there shinning moments but I got adverse in this one.