this one

[big baby]

hurts

I’m breathing fire
but I’m not a dragon
an average person. swallowed matches
ran across a sea of stars in moon boots. army canvass
the catalyst sparks. deactivate the manned fuselage
tight-lipped gargantuan who stares through the art,

for hours (or it seems)
want to be touched but wince when you do
slight grimace, sly indication, it’s a bit too obtuse
the allusion, that any minute now it might finish
what do you mean when you insinuate that nows not the time?
postponed rain checks. outside in rain boots thousand of times
acid wash downpour. denim daiquiri stain
reticle strain, bloodshot battlefield. blades
where does it start, devilish ear to ear grin
started the year with resolutions hand in heart
fear to be seen alone, energy i’ve barely consumed
jumpstart my heart battery; only bleed for you
tomfoolery. doomed to the usual norms
how do i map out directions when my satellite is depressed
crop circle on fire. what a fiery mess
tried to find myself but i was lost in what i left in you
that 1800 hotline already memorized my

number

will somebody listen
snowflake with their pillows drenched
day dream outrunning this avalanche
give everyone the attention i seek
when it’s returned to me, he barely speak
don’t want it. just want these hands to stop drowning me
every night before sleep, i tell them to leave
they peek over my canopy bed until three
in the morning

[ACTIVATE SELF]

A little underwhelming. But it also had it's moments. I'll be back to explain.

[big baby]

ah yes. in most instances i don't care to match up paired rhyming schemes. boring. i think the content itself is enough. sometimes rhyming just takes away from it. thanks, i'll rhyme next time.

[Geno]

Hmmm.
I enjoyed it either way

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Yeeeaaah, that definitely had nothing to with my opinion on this piece. But ..uh.. okay.

Keep doing you, bro.

[big baby]

ok

[ACTIVATE SELF]

I’m breathing fire
but I’m not a dragon
an average person. swallowed matches
ran across a sea of stars in moon boots. army canvass
the catalyst sparks. deactivate the manned fuselage
tight-lipped gargantuan who stares through the art,

Okay, so I understand that you are purposely trying to be dense, abstract, abstruse, esoteric, eccentric, creative, left open for interpretation, whatever you wanna call it, but let's be real. None of that made any sense. If we strip away the superficial veil of the airy language, what are you really saying? What is the tangible connection between being heart broken and feeling a fiery pain in your throat? Furthermore, what is the relevant connection between that feeling/emotion and walking on stars? Army canvas? Any of those things? Sure it sounds nice. I guess. But what does it all add up to? Like honestly … what?

Moreover, how exactly do you deactivate a fuselage? Wait, here's a better question. Why exactly would you ever deactivate a fuselage in the first place? Like what relevance, contextual, literal or metaphorical purpose does it serve in relation to anything that you're trying to convey. Also, "tight-lipped gargantuan" what? [Please insert noun]. Feel me?

for hours (or it seems)
want to be touched but wince when you do
slight grimace, sly indication, it’s a bit too obtuse
the allusion, that any minute now it might finish

Okaaaay, even though I like this part, and understand the implication is so that your lover is slightly annoyed, irritated, giving you the side eye, or maybe just views your attempts at affection as being bothersome; I still however, have no idea what you meant by "it might finish". What "might finish"? Her irritation with you? Are you having sex? It's not explained clearly enough to draw a logical conclusion. The wording is much too muddled and fragmented to do so.

what do you mean when you insinuate that nows not the time?
postponed rain checks. outside in rain boots thousand of times

That was nice. So in other words she's not satisfying your needs. Be they sexual or emotional. Nor is she making good on her promises to you. "Another time" becomes "another time" and even then, "another time" after that. Indefinitely. Like a cycle. Or so it seems. See, now that to me is good writing. It was metaphorical enough to mediate on. While still being clear enough in its diction to draw a logical and satisfying conclusion.

acid wash downpour. denim daiquiri stain

Okay, so acid wash downpour is a good follow up to the proceeding lines. I think the word "acid" is a cool way of saying her attitude towards you has become acidic, toxic, less than pleasant, if you will. And I like how you transitioned that from a metaphor about rain into a metaphor about fabric. In this instance the fabric is of the jean variety. However, what do you mean by "daiquiri stain"? To me that makes no sense. It just reads like you're trying way too hard to say something creative. Which isn't really all that hard to do when your metaphors and/or language don't have to add up, or makes sense, or even fit into place with one another. It's just pretentious and scattered imagery devoid of purpose and functionality. That solely serves to highlight the superficial glitz and glam of the wordplay.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe I am. I did consider this one possibility that might work within the context of your previous lines. Maybe due to the lack of sexual gratification inflicted by your lover (blue balls?) you pre-ejaculated in your paints. Thus causing .. what you referred to as a "diem daiquiri stain". Yeeeeaaah, but no. That doesn't really work well either.

reticle strain, bloodshot battlefield. blades
where does it start, devilish ear to ear grin
started the year with resolutions hand in heart

This is cool. I guess you're saying that the turmoil from your relationship is so stressful that it causes a physical reaction (i.e. bloodshot eyes), which could be the result of sleepless nights . The "devilish grin" bit seemed out of place. Mainly, because there is not enough context to support it's inclusion. Surely you're not the one grinning. You seem more hurt than you do crazed or vindictive. Likewise, she seems to have more apathy towards you, than she does malice or sadistic intent. So, I'm not sure why she would be grinning as if she is intentionally trying to ruin you. But, maybe that's why you wrote, "where does it start". Which is actually what I was wondering as well. But, instead of "where" it started, I was wondering "when" it started. Lastly, "hand in heart" reads like more pretentious phrasing that really has no discernable meaning beyond the one you've cooked up in your own mind. Sure we can all sit here and posulate over it for hours, but the truth is there is not enough reasonable clarity provided for it to formulate into anything sensible. It just sounds like it's suppose to means something. But I'm not convinced that it actually does. Than again, it could be some well known figure of speech or turn of phrase that I am unfamiliar with or maybe just a reverse play on the saying "heart in hand" or "hand on heart"? Idk. I'm not even trying to be harsh. I legit just don't get it. Probably my fault and not yours.

fear to be seen alone, energy i’ve barely consumed
jumpstart my heart battery; only bleed for you
tomfoolery. doomed to the usual norms
how do i map out directions when my satellite is depressed

This is pretty dope. Especially if viewed in a vacuum. My only gripe is that you seem to write these tear soaked soliloquies so often they no longer seem sincere. I don't believe the emotion is real. The ex. The relationship. The breakup. It all seems contrived. Which is cool. I write fiction often. It's just when you read something like this .. it's like listening to Gangster Rap. You want to believe it's coming from a real place. In this instance, it just seems like you're trying much too hard to invoke an emotional response. Thus, the words lose a sense of authenticity. Plus, who is really this depressed (all the time)? At some point you gotta man the fuck up. I suppose writing is therapeutic, but if a woman constantly has you this deep in your feelings, for this long, and she didn't like die or something crucial, than you need to take some antidepressants and get a clinical evaluation. Because some of this stuff is nicely written, but gets boggled down by the overwhelming suicidal atmosphere thal it's shrouded in. At least in my opinion.

Crop circle on fire. what a fiery mess
tried to find myself but i was lost in what i left in you
that 1800 hotline already memorized my

number

will somebody listen
snowflake with their pillows drenched
day dream outrunning this avalanche
give everyone the attention i seek
when it’s returned to me, he barely speak
don’t want it. just want these hands to stop drowning me
every night before sleep, i tell them to leave
they peek over my canopy bed until three
in the morning

"give everyone the attention i seek"

^^^That was dope. Really dope. It was simpe, but it connected.

The lines that surrounded it were cool. But didn't really do anything for me. I just feel like you jumped around from metaphor to metaphor without ever developing a solid concept of unification. Thus, some relevance and impact was lost in the fumble. And perhaps you'll say that you were employing was some sort of high level academic or literary technique. And if you were, cool. Still though, the point is to communicate a message to your audience, right? And in a way I guess you did that. You're depressed … over a breakup. Which is a normal sentiment to express. However, there is nothing really profound or moving about it. I mean, it was written well, per usual. But also, and to the same degree, it kind of read like just more of the same from you. Not to mention, more than a few of the concepts were not up to par with your usual standard of writing. But, all gripes aside it was readable. And I enjoyed certain parts quite a bit. Keep doing you. Peace.

[big baby]

thx

[dead man]

what do you mean when you insinuate that nows not the time?
postponed rain checks. outside in rain boots thousand of times

i used to see this girl who i would stand with and talk for hours outside. rain or sun or snow or anything. we would seek refuge under balconies and smoke and speak. umbrellas at tables on patios that didn't belong to us. beaches. thousands of times. we've been here before.

now is never the time with you, is it. i am a chronic procrastinator as far as life's most important decisions are concerned and i've taken far too long to make the ones most worthwhile. it stings.

tried to find myself but i was lost in what i left in you

i tend to think i understand the things you say fully. it brings me back to you telling me when you read something and rediscover that thought inside yourself. it's fascinating to see it in writing when you barely are able to articulate the feeling inside your own head. the resonance is really everything.

last little segment was also very strong.

give everyone the attention i seek
when it’s returned to me, he barely speak


what are these hands? a lingering reach unwelcome. i am interested.

thank you