WEEK VII: Ender vs Razah[ENDER WINS]

[Inno]

Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59 EST

Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00 EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Ender vs @Razah

Goodluck!

[Ender]

Check.

[Razah]

cool.

[Razah]

Steam sale, gotta love it.
Dip deep in my pockets, I got a hundred
That's about, more games than I'll ever need
Goodbye sunlight, you're something I'll never see
But I'm okay with that
If it wasn't for these games, I'd be a maniac
But instead it helps my brain relax
& that's good, knowing my crazy ass
Would probably lose it & blow the world to pieces
I'd blow my brains out but that just makes me want to hurl &..
- Peep this; there's a new game, Cuphead - Fuck yes.
Download, Sorry- I'm sporadic at times
I wonder if shooting games damage my mind
They can't though, it's just a habit of mine
But UFC did make me want to shatter your spine
Dragonball Fighterz, don't get me started
Kicked off a Kame Hame Ha & I could've sworn you farted
Wait, there's a motherfucking lag- I did not spend
Three stacks for a graphics chip that's fast as shit
To deal with a broke ass game that isn't patched & fix
Got me mad & it's not because I'm passionate
I'm just bored as shit & now I have to fap my dick
Gotdamn if this isn't the worst of luck
My net is out, Fuck me mann, I might be cursed as fuck
But I remain calm, no reason to make a stink at it
Any other gamer, he might just lose it & wreak havoc
Hello sunshine, it's time to see a town that's so pretty
I turn around & see- Damn, I guess the internet is out in my city

[Inno]

@Ender

[Ender]

My apologies if I'm late.


Of Rats and Death: A Tale from Mind City

Chapter Two
I helped Holmes put his desk up the right way
And then sat back down, to check what he might say
“The alleyway in which your friend’s body was found
Is a place Patrick Bateman tends to hang around
He or his gang might have done it, or played no part
But he is certainly the most logical place to start”
Holmes had heart and was clearly braver than most
Since Bateman was crazy and would not favour my host
I followed Holmes as he marched right from the room
And soon we were out under the light of the moon
Off to commune with Bateman as was our hopeless plan
When suddenly we were accosted by a homeless man
It was strange, a challenge to even regard him there
He seemed insubstantial and I found it hard to care
The words he shared didn’t seem to stick in my mind
They kind of slipped in and out and left little behind
Said he was Robert Langdon, a bit simple I think
Then something about Illuminati, a symbol and link
He was unspeakably boring, no traits of his own
His type appears here sometimes; a temporary home
They never last long and I always try to find pity
For nothing characters that have to beg in Mind City
I threw him some change and walked away
I’d no time for people without real character today
I couldn’t delay my search or flake on Holmes
I had to take revenge on a killer and break his bones
I could hear moans coming from the street ahead
Surely someone was bleeding and soon to be dead
But those thoughts misled, I saw a more sordid sight
A different sort of plight for the victim caught tonight
Standing upright was Bateman, his jeans unzipped
He missed our arrival and remained tight-lipped
Thrusting his hips forward as he continued to fuck
And slap the ass of the girl who continued to buck
As she was struck she moaned with eyes closed
Lower half exposed, she wanted another I supposed
But soon he was done and he shoved her down
Roughly to the ground, tearing her gown
I let him know he was found by calling out
He swore at my shout, while she turned about
The girl saw me then scrambled to her feet
Ran past with speed, her face as red as a beet
Bateman called after, “Anastasia! Wait!”
But she was gone, and he looked at me with hate
“Alright mate, you obviously wish to die
I don’t care why, but you’ve found the right guy”
He pulled out a knife out of his great Armani coat
Gave a gloating smile, and came straight for my throat!





Topic: A little book on the human shadow

[2tripple0]

hmmm I thought this battle could have been better... although I liked the writing from both.. I think on the real though im going have to break down each verse for what it was then give you like an overall thought on what I thought of each one against each other... so anyways the first guy razah had a decent verse there was one line in there that I didn't like but his verse was written well and I thought he came across with a strong demeanor as if he knew what he was talking about the other dude ender kind of wrote a book style verse that was like in my opinion just kind of longrooted if you know what I mean the dude just sounded too much like a book and me personally im not really into books that much they always seem like too hard to get into... for me anyways... his writing was very good though and the story did kind of draw me in a bit but towards the end I was just completely not impressed with how he finished off his work... it was kind of like too played out like ive seen it a million times someone dying in the end by getting their throat slit... just thought there could have been a better way of looking at it... especially cause hes like chapter two and the guy dies... don't know man just sounds kind of like unrealistic.... anyways it was written very well though I don't want to take nothing away from you its just I cant get into that style its not my thing but if that's what you enjoy writing than do you man anyways overall lets see theres the straightforward guy sitting in front of a computer doing his shit online and going crazy cause his shit keeps breaking or the lights keep going out and shit like that verse this book that kind of ends in a dramatic fashion but on the real it just didn't connect the way I think you were trying to come off I mean I would have more enjoyed like a cliffhanger someone at the end being like theres more to the point or more to the story that you aint getting... anyways so yeah I think im going give my vote to razah even though I think the second dude was more interesting and better written... so yeah...

vote: razah

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Razah

Steam sale, gotta love it.
Dip deep in my pockets, I got a hundred
That's about, more games than I'll ever need
Goodbye sunlight, you're something I'll never see

I'm not a hardcore gamer, but there have been a handful of titles throught my lifetime that have cause me the same reaction. Thus saying, I completely understand where you're coming from and relate to what you wrote.. Nice.

But I'm okay with that
If it wasn't for these games, I'd be a maniac

Lol. Nicely worded.

But instead it helps my brain relax
& that's good, knowing my crazy ass
Would probably lose it & blow the world to pieces
I'd blow my brains out but that just makes me want to hurl &..
- Peep this; there's a new game, Cuphead - Fuck yes.
Download, Sorry- I'm sporadic at times
I wonder if shooting games damage my mind
They can't though, it's just a habit of mine
But UFC did make me want to shatter your spine
Dragonball Fighterz, don't get me started
Kicked off a Kame Hame Ha & I could've sworn you farted

The UFC line was tight. One thing I like about your writing is how natural it reads. It's very true to speech and conversational. Nothing reads forced or trite. Just smooth and straight to the point. Also, you're doing a solid job bringing we, the audience, into the story. Just reading it feels first person-esque (in context to video games).

Wait, there's a motherfucking lag- I did not spend
Three stacks for a graphics chip that's fast as shit
To deal with a broke ass game that isn't patched & fix
Got me mad & it's not because I'm passionate
I'm just bored as shit & now I have to fap my dick
Gotdamn if this isn't the worst of luck
My net is out, Fuck me mann, I might be cursed as fuck
But I remain calm, no reason to make a stink at it
Any other gamer, he might just lose it & wreak havoc
Hello sunshine, it's time to see a town that's so pretty
I turn around & see- Damn, I guess the internet is out in my city

Lol.

Okay, so this was a fun read. The flow was solid from start to end. The lyrics were humorous and the topic was perfectly executed in relation to the picture.

Ender

Of Rats and Death: A Tale from Mind City

The story continues.

Chapter Two
I helped Holmes put his desk up the right way
And then sat back down, to check what he might say
“The alleyway in which your friend’s body was found
Is a place Patrick Bateman tends to hang around
He or his gang might have done it, or played no part
But he is certainly the most logical place to start”
Holmes had heart and was clearly braver than most
Since Bateman was crazy and would not favour my host

So the writing is super clean. It's visual and the overall style is novel-esque. Plus, the story itself is already interesting. What's most cool about this verse is that the residual imagery from chapter 1 has carried over and I already know exactly what Mind City looks and feels like.

I followed Holmes as he marched right from the room
And soon we were out under the light of the moon
Off to commune with Bateman as was our hopeless plan
When suddenly we were accosted by a homeless man
It was strange, a challenge to even regard him there
He seemed insubstantial and I found it hard to care
The words he shared didn’t seem to stick in my mind
They kind of slipped in and out and left little behind

Excellent, bro. I legit feel like I'm reading an offical Sherlock Holmes book. The grit of 19th Century "London" is there. The language reads exactly as I imaged it would if I were to watch an on screen adaptation of the novels, and the imagery is so crytal clear and pretty that I sometimes forget that I'm even reading at all.

Said he was Robert Langdon, a bit simple I think
Then something about Illuminati, a symbol and link
He was unspeakably boring, no traits of his own

Dope.

His type appears here sometimes; a temporary home
They never last long and I always try to find pity
For nothing characters that have to beg in Mind City
I threw him some change and walked away
I’d no time for people without real character todayfat wife
I couldn’t delay my search or flake on Holmes
I had to take revenge on a killer and break his bones
I could hear moans coming from the street ahead
Surely someone was bleeding and soon to be dead
But those thoughts misled, I saw a more sordid sight
A different sort of plight for the victim caught tonight
Standing upright was Bateman, his jeans unzippedfat wife
He missed our arrival and remained tight-lippedfat wife
Thrusting his hips forward as he continued to fuck
And slap the ass of the girl who continued to buck
As she was struck she moaned with eyes closed
Lower half exposed, she wanted another I supposed
But soon he was done and he shoved her down
Roughly to the ground, tearing her gown
I let him know he was found by calling out
He swore at my shout, while she turned about
The girl saw me then scrambled to her feet
Ran past with speed, her face as red as a beet
Bateman called after, “Anastasia! Wait!”
But she was gone, and he looked at me with hatefat wife
“Alright mate, you obviously wish to die
I don’t care why, but you’ve found the right guy”
He pulled out a knife out of his great Armani coat
Gave a gloating smile, and came straight for my throat!

I'm out of adjactives.

I'll just keep it simple and to the point. I think what you wrote here was entertaining and extremely well polished. I can find nothing wrong with or in it. Another stand out performance.

Vote -- Ender

Reason: I feel both participants wrote verses that were true to their styles and well put together. Razah's verse was relatable and I thought he did well with the picture he chose as a topic. All in all, it was a really good showing by him. Unfortunately, for him however, Ender is on a tear. This verse, not unlike his previous effort, felt complete and it read all but flautless. Highly impressive.


Great battle. Peace.

[Inno]

Razah
this was aight, felt like it had a nicki swag to it in some places lmao. it held the topic together well, I hadn't even noticed the view through the window at first glance. except for one syllable in the way that I read it, the first four lines are the best.

Ender
cool that you're continuing sort of. I'm assuming you just went mad wild last week and had extra partially written so you finished it off this week. like before I haven't read the book so I have no idea if it ties into your topic.

Razah hits it topic better (as far as I know), but Ender has a better story to me.

mvgt Ender